Tell me a joke.....

[angelo c]

Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and some hot sex.

He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'

 

[TJ the Chainsaw Mechanic]

When NASA started sending astronauts into space, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion developing a Pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, and on almost any
surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.
> The Russians used a pencil.

 

[jakethesnake]

Fd up thing is I think that's actually a true story

 

[concretegrazer]

Thankfully it's not. Unless you really want it to be. Then pretend that you didn't read this....

 

[Philbert]

Fd up thing is I think that's actually a true story

Thankfully it's not. Unless you really want it to be. Then pretend that you didn't read this....

As with most things on the Internet, it is 'partially true' (like being 'a little bit pregnant . . . . ')

http://www.spacepen.com/about-us.aspx

Philbert

 

[concretegrazer]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and then rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles.'

 

[maulhead]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”

“The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”

After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career”

 

[quietfly]

Good News From the White House Concerning Pensions, Healthcare and Benefits:


> نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خير
ما نقش سايهدگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت
نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايهدگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ررفت ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ماسايه
ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيرهماپيدا
نيست نقش

If I hear Anything Else, I'll Let You Know.

So my Persian is a bit rusty, but whats this about eye shadow?

 

[quietfly]

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years.
One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.
His wife asks,

"What's wrong, Bill?"

"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill -- I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, um, she got fired, too."

 

[angelo c]

So my Persian is a bit rusty, but whats this about eye shadow?

It's very clear, you need to apply the shadow before you put on the hijab

 

[huskihl]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”

“The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”

After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career”

Hahaha

 

[maulhead]

A wife was looking in the mirror and contemplating on getting breast implants.

She asks her husband, "Honey, my breasts are so small. What would you say if I wanted to get breast implants?"

Her husband chuckles and replies, "You should try rubbing toilet paper in-between your breasts and see if that helps."

After a few weeks of doing this, distraught, the wife said to her husband, "Dear, I've been doing this for weeks and it doesn't seem to have done ANYTHING!"

Husband replies, "Well, it was worth a shot, it's done wonders for your ass since I've met you!"

 

[Wolverine]

 

[huskihl]

 

[jakethesnake]

That's special

 

[quietfly]

This ones visual.....

 

[Brian Simonseth]

Male Logic!

She was outside pulling weeds on a hot summer day when her husband

walked up and asked her what they were having for dinner.

Irritated by the thought of him sitting in the air conditioned house while

she labored away on the weeds, she snapped, "I can't believe you're

asking me about supper right now! Pretend I'm out of town, go inside
and make dinner yourself!"

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, potatoes,
garlic bread, and a tall beer.

His wife walked in just about the time he was finishing up and asked,
"Where's my dinner?"



"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

 

[TJ the Chainsaw Mechanic]

 

[angelo c]

For those that care to dream...

 

[angelo c]

Have You Seen The New Stamp?



The Postal
Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it.
The Postal Service noticed that the stamp
was not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged the President, who demanded a
full investigation.
After a month of testing and $1.73 million
in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the
following findings:
1.The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the glue.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side.