Tell me a joke.....

[stihl sawing]

View attachment 17392

Yer gonna need more firepower.

 

[cantgitright]

Yer gonna need more firepower.

 

[stihl sawing]

View attachment 17393

I win

 

[Wood Doctor]

Jeopardy celebrated the day also, showing scores upside down, playing weird music. Even the contestants were freaked out. I decided it was best not to run any of my chainsaws today.

The weatherman said it could reach 35 F tomorrow morning and next week we might see the same. Hey, wasn't the first day of spring nearly two weeks ago? The joke's on us.

 

[KenJax Tree]

THE BALLAD OF JOHN AND LORENA BOBBIT
(sing to the theme of the Beverly Hillbillies)

Come and listen to my story of a man named John,
A poor ex-Marine with a little fraction gone.
It seems one night after gettin with his wife,
She lopped off his schlong with the swipe of a knife.

"Penis, that is,"
"Clean cut, missed his nuts"

Well the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side,
And Lorena's in the car takin' "willie" for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple headed friend,
And tossed him out the window as she rounded the next bend.

"Curve that is"
"Pricker shrubs, Wheel hubs"

She went to the cops an confessed to the attack,
And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there,"
To John Waynes' "Henry" that was waving in the air.

"Found it that is"
"By a fence, evidence"

Now "Peter" and John coundn't stay apart too long,
So a Dick Doc said, "Hey, I can fix your severed dong!"
A needle and some thread is all you"re gonna need,
And the whole world waited 'till they heard that Johnny peed.

"Whizzed that is,"
"Even seam, straight stream"

Well, he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,
With a little cockeyed lawyer since his assets came up short.
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape.

"Video that is"
"Unexposed, CASE CLOSED"

 

[Philbert]

Guy comes home late from work and finds a note from his wife taped to the refrigerator:

"It's not working! I took the kids and went to my Mother's house."

Guy opens up the fridge: light goes on . . . Reaches in for a beer: it's cold . . .

Thinks, "I never understand what she's thinking, it seems to be working fine to me . . . . "

Philbert

 

[Wolverine]

 

[Stihlsmoking]

Maybe it's the alcohol ? I found that funny ?
Lonely nights. Lol

 

[angelo c]

My Mommy, The Dancer.
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children in her class what their mothers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up -- teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, So when the teacher gently prodded him about his mother, He replied, "Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a club and takes off all her clothes in front of men, and they put money in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this bold statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to quietly ask him, "Is that really true about your mother, dear?"
Nope," the boy said, "She works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that In front of the other kids."

 

[Crzybowhntr]

Two dudes are hanging out on a Friday night. A male dog is nearby, and starts to lick his balls and penis. This goes on for 5 minutes, while the dudes are bored watching. One guy says " Man, I wish I could do that!!! ".

The other guy hesitated, then says " You better pet him first!!!

I just laughed out loud on the plane like an idiot when I read this!!

 

[cantgitright]

this is the best joke there is....

Mastermind....

 

[olympyk_999]

this is the best joke there is....

Mastermind....

 

[TJ the Chainsaw Mechanic]

 

[Wood Doctor]

Years ago when I was in college they used to tell stories about a blind prostitute operating rather close to campus. She was an expert at her profession, was making a ton of dough, and all of her Johns claimed that you really had to hand it to her.

 

[TJ the Chainsaw Mechanic]

Mastermind:

 

[wildroamer]

Speaking of Lorena Bobbitt (good one btw!) most don't know that when she flung it out the window it slammed right into the windshield of a car full of nuns travelling behind her.
The nun driving stomped on the brakes and yelled, "My Lord! Did you see the size of the dick on that bug?!?!"

 

[angelo c]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maine State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers."

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkins exclaimed.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkins. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Maine lobsters that you have ever seen and 60 good-sized rockfish clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the '60s and we feel you are entitled to share in the catch."

Stunned, Wilkins demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

 

[angelo c]

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

Instructor: " Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.

And you gentlemen! Remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

“I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag?”

 

[angelo c]

Good News From the White House Concerning Pensions, Healthcare and Benefits:


> نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خير
ما نقش سايهدگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت
نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايهدگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ررفت ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ماسايه
ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيرهماپيدا
نيست نقش

If I hear Anything Else, I'll Let You Know.

 

[fossil]

Nothing like a Ford Truck

.
New Truck built by a company we didn't bail out...
I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck. Go figure-- it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.
I returned it to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work. The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Nelson", the technician said to the radio.

The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant " Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven", I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles", I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him.

I yelled, "*a-hole!"
Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, the Prime Minister of Canada."

Damn I love this truck...