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Tell me a joke.....

quietfly

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This one is really embarrassing but it gets a few good chuckles at the bar.
So my wife and i have been trying to conceive for the past few years, and as part of the process i have to go for regular sperm counts.
Our Dr, a older modest man, usually just hands me the paper bag with the jar in it, and well i know what to do.
Unfortunately this last visit he actually checked the bag before we left, so he pulled me aside and stopped me just as we were walking out the door. He was confused as the jar in the bag was empty. Embarrassed i turned to him and said. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the receptionist and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked the receptionist?" Red-faced I replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
 

Mastermind

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Here is one of my Favorites:

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.”


REPPED
 

SteveSS

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I was on my way to work one morning and the radio show host asked to hear the funniest children jokes. A young boy called in with his mother and asked "Why do girls wear make-up and perfume?"


"Because they're ugly, and they stink!"


I can't recall a time I laughed so hard at a joke on the radio. Priceless.
 

rpowell

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Back fresh out of college, I was working 2nd shift in a hospital blood bank. There was this cute blonde nurse from the oncology unit that would come to the blood bank almost every night to pick up some bags of blood. We got to talking and flirting with each other, and one night she asked me if I would like to come over to her house and have dinner with her. I said great, I get off at 11:30 and she gave me directions to her house. I make it there, and she has a nice meal cooked. After dinner, she asked me if I would clear the dishes off the table while she went and used the bathroom. I said sure. Well, I'm cleaning the dishes up, und she comes back in wearing some sexy looking lace number. she slides around to the table, and says......here's desert. We start going after it right there on the table. In the midst of all of this I hear something at the front door. She says.....*s-word that is my husband.....try the back door. I should have ran, but you don't get an offer like that every day.
 

quietfly

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every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

after a week of this, she cant stand it anymore. she takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

the human resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks "whats sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

the woman replies, "its Keith, the dwarf".
 

quietfly

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Got in a fight today while on the way to work.
I was at a stop sign and was suddenly rear-ended by the car behind me.
I get out of the car to look at the damage, and the other guy is fuming.
He looks at me and says, "You know, I'm not HAPPY"
I couldn't help myself, i chuckled and said "well then which of the seven are you"
It was then that the Midget Punched me.....
 

cantgitright

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Well, it's April 1. so here goes:

The local newspaper decided to print the entire sports section with all the headlines upside down. Word has it that everyone who bought the paper and saw the section flipped.
and the worst joke (so far) award goes to....:facepalm:
 
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