Tell me a joke.....

[angelo c]

 

[angelo c]

I finally quit drinking for good.......Now I drink for evil.

Quitting is good...for any reason.....

 

[fossil]

Exquisite British Humour

The train was quite crowded and, a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed,
middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular. 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.' She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong *b-word out of the window'.

 

[cantgitright]

Motorhead
that little johnny is quite the trouble maker?

 

[Brewz]

Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?

It was dead!

 

[Brewz]

How did the Kangaroo die?

Got hit on the head by a dead Koala!

 

[TJ the Chainsaw Mechanic]

An elderly couple was attending church services.About halfway through she leans over to her husband.I just let a silent fart.What should I do?He replies,Put a new battery in your hearing aid.

HAHAHAHAAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[merc_man]

Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?

It was dead!

Did you shoot it[emoji15]

 

[P.M.P.]

 

[cantgitright]

that looks like me, but the description is completely backwards!

 

[P.M.P.]

 

[cantgitright]

not me neither!

 

[P.M.P.]

not me neither!

Is it suppose to be

 

[cantgitright]

ahh sorry didn't notice yer lack of eye balls there Mr. Pig...anywho incase no one told you I am the cat in the hat! ...........a very likeable cat, if I do say so myself!

 

[P.M.P.]

 

[jakethesnake]

So lil johnny was riding his go cart down the street . As he rides he comes across his preacher . Preacher has a new mountain bike The two start talking when the preacher offers to trade even up for the cart. Johnny immediately says deal! So they trade johnny heads out on the bike preacher on the cart . Couple days later the two cross paths again preacher tells johnny the cart won't start..
Johnny says yeah.. I forgot you have to cuss it..
Preacher Johnny I don't cuss
J. Well you have to or it won't go
P. johnny it's been so long since I used those kind of words I've forgotten how.
J. Keep pullin on her , they'll come to you

 

[ft. churchill]

What is the highest rank in the Greek navy? Rear admiral.

 

[angelo c]

The Way Women Think...

Husband's Text Message to wife:


Darling , I got hit by a car outside the office.

Paula brought me to the Hospital.

Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.

Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects.

Wound required 19 stitches.

I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg.

Amputation of the right foot is a possibility.

Love you...



Wife's Response:

Who the F*** is Paula?

 

[P.M.P.]

A traffic cop on patrol one night, watching a 35mph zone on the edge of town, suddenly saw a car come blazing by his hideout. Quickly grabbing at his radar gun, he clocked the fast moving vehicle at 87mph! The officer took off after the speeder and soon had the car pulled over on the side of the road. Expecting trouble with such a reckless diver, the patrolman approached cautiously. To his surprise the driver of the offending vehicle as a little old lady, barely tall enough to see over the steering wheel.
"Ma'am," the officer began, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was just getting her up around 90, I believe, officer, " the old lady answered calmly, peering up at him through her bifocals. "Why, what seems to be the problem?"
Shocked, the officer returned her comment, "What seems to be the problem? Why, this is a 35mph zone! That's the problem, didn't you see the sign?"
"Oh sure," the old lady returned, "That's why I'm driving so fast. I'm just trying to follow it's instruction. "
Dumbfounded, the officer was momentarily speechless. "Just what sign are you talking about ma'am?" He asked, when he finally recovered.
Smiling up at the officer, the old lady placed a gentle hand on his wrist and said, "Why, the one that said "Speed Zone Ahead", of course!"

 

[angelo c]