Tell me a joke.....

[P.M.P.]

An Irishman walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, you don't have to order three at a time, I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I will bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia, and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we are drinking together." The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.
Then one week, he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then orerderd two more. The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is and I'd like to say I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine. I just quit drinking."

 

[jakethesnake]

Best answer worthy

 

[KenJax Tree]

A Koala bear decided to visit a prostitute. They got a hotel room and got undressed. The Koala bear went down on the prostitute for about 30 minutes and then got up and got up and headed towards the door. The prostitute said, "Hey, what about my money!" The koala bear was confused and said. "what money?" "I'm a prostitute" she said. The koala bear said, "So, what's that have to do with anything?" "Look up prostitute in the dictionary." She said. "It says 'has sex for money'". "Oh yeah?" said the Koala Bear. "I'm a koala bear. Look THAT up in the dictionary. It says 'eats bushes and leaves.

 

[quietfly]

After a 2 hour high speed chase a state trooper finally gets his target to pull over. Furious beyond belief, and barely able to talk the trooper approaches the man in the car with care.
"Sir" says the trooper while trying to maintain a semblance of professionalism, "what in gods green earth were you trying to do, do you know how incredibly stupid, and dangerous high speed chases are? What were you thinking?"
The man in the car looks up at the troop with a look of relief in his eyes. "You see officer, 3 years ago my wife ran off with a state trooper, I thought you were trying to give her back"

 

[Wood Doctor]

A new store that sells new husbands has opened in Toronto , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value and prices of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, however you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These Men Have Jobs...
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Like Children...
"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Good Jobs, Love Children, and are Extremely Good Looking...
"Wow!" she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Very Good Jobs, Love Children, are Extremely Good Looking and Help With Most Housework...
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Exceptional Jobs that pay them very well, they Love Children, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with all the Housework, Have a Strong Romantic Streak, and they are 100% Faithful.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 18,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Please Exit to the
right to make room for more unreasonable shoppers. Good luck and good bye!

PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. Similar instructions are posted at the entrance of this store as well.

The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have their own money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth, and sixth floors have never had a visitor.

 

[huskihl]

A farmer goes out and buys a new rooster,As soon as he brings him home,the young rooster rushes and screws all150 of the farmers hens.The farmer is impressed.At lunchtime,the young rooster again screws all 150 hens.The farmer is not impressed anymore,he is worried.Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow.Later the farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag,his eyes closed,dead and vultures circling overhead.The farmer runs,looks down at the young roosters limp body and says...You deserve it,you horny bastard!And the young rooster opens one eye,points up at at the vultures with his wing,and says.Shhhh,they are about to land.

Lol

 

[Deets066]

Lol

I did too

 

[paragonbuilder]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls.I told my husband that I would be home by midnight.I promise.Well the hours passed and the margaritas went down way to easy.Around 3 am,a bit blitzed,I headed for home.Just as I got in the door,the cuckoo clock in the hall started Up and cuckooed 3 times.Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up,I cuckooed another 9 times.I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution,(even when totally smashed),In order to escape a possible conflict with him .The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in,and I told him midnight.He didn't seem disturbed at all.(whew got away with that one)Then he said,We need a new cuckoo clock.When I asked him why,he said,Well,last night our clock cuckooed 3 times,then said,Oh crap,cuckooed 4 more times,cleared its throat,cuckooed another 3 times,giggled,cuckooed twice more,and then tripped over the cat and farted.

ROFLMAO


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Philbert]

Bob finally decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke.

"Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop.
You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage motorcycle."

Bob got a horrified look on his face. She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, "Whoa! For a minute there you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"EX WIFE!?!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

Bob replied: "I wasn't!"

Philbert

 

[rocketnorton]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.

...
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

 

[Philbert]

Philbert

 

[Wood Doctor]

View attachment 24387
Philbert

This reminds me of a riddle a pretty co-ed told me when I was in college:

Q: Why is it that Smokey the Bear and Mrs. Bear have no cubs?

A: Because every time she goes into heat, he hits her over the head with a shovel and throws dirt in her face.

 

[merc_man]

Whers your joke today motorhead? I look forward to readng them lol.

 

[rocketnorton]

diff between *b-word & slut?
slut'll do anyone
*b-word'll do anyone but you

 

[rocketnorton]

hmmm...
b - not ok
slut - ok

 

[Philbert]

Philbert

 

[jake wells]

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.

Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad. Okay then...good night'' said Little Johnny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of *s-word!''

 

[KenJax Tree]

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens...

He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*!!

Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

 

[nixon]

Two local sheriffs are out on patrol one evening . One,a seasoned vet ,one a rooky on his first outing .
As they are cruising a country lane ,the are passed by a 3 legged chicken doing about 50 ,or better . The vet hits the lights to give chase the rook reaches for the radio . The vet tells the rooky to hold of on the call because he doesn't want to put that on the air . They chase the chicken for 5+ miles barely keeping it in sight . After a bit it comes to a farm and jumps over the gate. The sheriffs go into the farm ,and to their amazement ,there are hundreds of 3 legged chickens . Shortly a man ,his wife and a kid appear . The vet asks them what gives with the mutant chickens . The farmer tells him the he,his wife and their son love chicken legs ,so they bred them . The vet asks the farmer how they taste . The farmer answered "Don't know ,never caught one yet ".

 

[Marshy]

One day 3 people were stuck on an island with cannibals. the cannibals said, "if you do what we say, we wont kill you". so the 3 people followed the orders the cannibals.

So the cannibals said, "go into the forest and pick 10 fruits of the first fruit you see".

So the first person came back out of the forest with 10 apples. the cannibals said, "put the apples up your ass without making a facial expression". The person then made a facial expression after the second apple, so the cannibals killed him.

The second person came back out of the forest with 10 cherries. the cannibals said, "put the cherries up your ass without making a facial expression". The person then started laughing on the tenth cherry, so they killed him.

In heaven, the person with apples asked the person with cherries "why did you start laughing?". The person replied, "i saw the third person come out with pineapples."