Tell me a joke.....

[olympyk_999]

Knock knock

 

[Andydodgegeek]

 

[Marshy]

Knock knock, whose here? Snelling.

 

[wildroamer]

The teacher tells the class, “There are 3 birds in a tree. A hunter shoots one of the birds off a branch. How many are left?”

Little Johnny raises his hand and answers, “Zero!”

The teacher says, “Johnny, that’s incorrect. Can you tell me why you said zero?”

Johnny says, “Well ma'am, if the hunter shot a bird out of the tree it would scare the rest of them away too.”

“Well,” says the teacher. “That answer is wrong, Johnny, the correct answer is 2, but I like the way you think.”

Johnny stews in his seat for awhile. Finally he raises his hand and says, “Ok, teacher, answer me this. Three ladies are sittin’ on a bench eatin’ icecream cones. The first one is bitin’ it. The second one is lickin’ it. And the thirdun’ is suckin’ it. Which one is married?”

The teacher thinks a moment and says, “Oh, I don’t know Johnny. I’ll say it’s the one sucking.”

Johnny says, “Nope, it’s the one with the weddin’ ring, but I like the way you think!”

 

[P.M.P.]

 

[wildroamer]

That's farking High-larious! I can just hear him, as the anchorman character, saying that!

 

[Jughead]

 

[KenJax Tree]

Little boy is sitting on the porch with his grandpa, grandpa opens up a beer and the boys asked "grandpa can i have a sip of beer?" Grandpa says "can your d**k touch your a*****e" little boy say "nope"...."ok then you can't sip my beer."

Little while later they're sittin' on the swing and grandpa lights up a cigar and the boys asked "grandpa can i have a puff of your cigar?" Grandpa says "can your d**k touch your a*****e" little boy say "nope"...."ok then you can't have a puff of my cigar."

A little while later the boy is sitting on the porch step and Grandma bring out a plate of freshly baked cookies. Grandpa come out and says "whoo weeee...them look delicious, can i have one?" Little boy says "can your d***k touch your a*****e?" Grandpa says "yup sure can" little says "good GFY Grandma made these for me."

 

[wildroamer]

Little boy catches his great-great-grandfather playing with himself behind the barn.
"Whatcha doin', Gramps, jackin' off?!?!"
"Naw," replies the old coot. "Just jackin'."

 

[Greenthorn]

Cold morning funny....



There were these three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were
at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and
how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo
was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest
igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and
poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and
fell onto the floor.
"Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was
colder still.
So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!"
and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a
big lump and fell to the floor.
"Wow, that's colder than mine! "said the first Eskimo. But the third
Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third
Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw
back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice
there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When
it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".
He won.

 

[wildroamer]

That's a keeper!

Reminds me of the Alaskan mechanic who is watching this snowmobile approaching his shop from a mile or so away. The thing is trailing a thick plume of black smoke, and when the feller finally makes it to his shop, the mechanic walks up to him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
The guy wipes his mouth and says, "Naw, it's just mayonnaise. I just ate lunch."

 

[Greenthorn]

I was walking along the street the other day when I slipped in dog *s-word. A minute later, some guy did exactly the same thing. I said to him, "I just did that." So, he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.

 

[concretegrazer]

Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. She says, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter."

A little girl raises her hand and says, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," the little girl began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

That must've been scary," says the teacher.

"It sure was," says the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'"

"And before he could say '****!' the rottweiler ate him!"

 

[Motorhead]

Why do men snore when they sleep on their back? Because their balls flop into their butt hole and cause a vapor lock.

 

[wildroamer]

@concretegrazer

F-ing high-LAR-ious! Officially added to my in-person joke repertoire. Just need to perfect my "Fffff, Fffff, Fffff!"

 

[Greenthorn]

Q: Is Google a male or a female?
A: Obviously a female, because it won't let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas!

 

[burkesw]

Why did the Hipster burn his mouth with coffee?


Because he drank it before it was cool....

 

[Greenthorn]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal' s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'

 

[Frank bierce]

There is one certain food that, when a woman eats it, it reduces her sexual drive by 90%..






Yep.....wedding cake

 

[wildroamer]

The Pope is on a long transcontinental flight with one of his Cardinals. After a few hours working on a crossword puzzle, the Pope proudly shows off his finished work to the Cardinal.

"What do you think of that?! It's the first time I completed every word on one of these, and I'm only a little unsure of one! 4 across, a four letter word for "Familiar woman" that ends in U-N-T."

The Cardinal thinks for just a moment and says, "Aunt?"

The Pope looks at him sternly and asks, "You got an eraser?"