Tell me a joke.....

[ft. churchill]

Q. What bird is the symbol of strength and honor?
A. An eagle.

Q. What bird represents wisdom and knowledge?
A. The owl.

Q. And what bird portends a baby being born and its delivery to the home?
A. The stork.

Q. Now what bird is the symbol of birth control?
A. The swallow.

 

[maulhead]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked,'Harry, what exactly is your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms.Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal.The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.

Principal:'What is 3 x 3?' Harry:'9..'Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?' Harry:'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'Ya’ know I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal,'Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions..'The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks,'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?' Harry, after a moment:'Legs..'

Ms. Brooks:'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied:'Pockets..’ to the Principal’s great relief…..

Ms. Brooks:'What does a dog do that a man steps into?' Harry:'Pants.'By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open..

Ms.. Brooks:'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied,'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks:'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?' Harry:'Shake hands.'

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question……

Ms. Brooks:'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?' Harry:'Firetruck.'The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher,

"Put the little bastard in 5th-Grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself..."

 

[USMC615]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked,'Harry, what exactly is your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms.Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal.The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.

Principal:'What is 3 x 3?' Harry:'9..'Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?' Harry:'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'Ya’ know I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal,'Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions..'The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks,'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?' Harry, after a moment:'Legs..'

Ms. Brooks:'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied:'Pockets..’ to the Principal’s great relief…..

Ms. Brooks:'What does a dog do that a man steps into?' Harry:'Pants.'By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open..

Ms.. Brooks:'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied,'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks:'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?' Harry:'Shake hands.'

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question……

Ms. Brooks:'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?' Harry:'Firetruck.'The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher,

"Put the little bastard in 5th-Grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself..."

Excellent...never read that one before!!

 

[Ryan Browne]

I just read that president-elect, Donald Trump plans to ban pre shredded cheese from grocery store shelves.

He's going to make America grate again.

 

[paragonbuilder]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked,'Harry, what exactly is your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms.Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal.The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.

Principal:'What is 3 x 3?' Harry:'9..'Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?' Harry:'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'Ya’ know I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal,'Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions..'The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks,'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?' Harry, after a moment:'Legs..'

Ms. Brooks:'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied:'Pockets..’ to the Principal’s great relief…..

Ms. Brooks:'What does a dog do that a man steps into?' Harry:'Pants.'By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open..

Ms.. Brooks:'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied,'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks:'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?' Harry:'Shake hands.'

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question……

Ms. Brooks:'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?' Harry:'Firetruck.'The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher,

"Put the little bastard in 5th-Grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself..."

Awesome!

 

[Wood Doctor]

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual lap dance, big boy?”

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real *b-word tonight, Dave.”

 

[Motorhead]

What did the pony say when he had a sore throat?



I'm just a little horse

 

[Wood Doctor]

I was talking to a waitress this morning. She works two restaurants each day. So, I asked Jane, "How is it possible to do all this work in one day?"

Jane said, "Well, a girl has to put food on the table these days somehow."

 

[Steve]

Two guys walk into a bar. First guys says "I'll have an H2O". Second guys says "I'll have an H2O too. Second guy dies.

 

[Motorhead]

I'm gonna have to look that one up

 

[Steve]

I'm gonna have to look that one up

H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide

 

[Motorhead]

Got it

 

[Motorhead]

Excuse me waiter,this coffee tastes like mud,Yes sir it's fresh ground.

 

[Motorhead]

Why can't you trust atoms? ................Because they make up everything.

 

[Motorhead]

What does a house wear?"....................A dress!

 

[Motorhead]

Why did the bubblegum cross the road?"...........................because it was stuck to the chickens foot.

 

[jakethesnake]

What does a house wear?"....................A dress!

Address lol I'm so thick....

 

[Philbert]

Two antennas got married.

The ceremony was just fair, but the reception was great!


Philbert

 

[Motorhead]

What do you call a camel with no hump....................................Hump free

 

[TJ the Chainsaw Mechanic]

I thought a no humper would be humpless?