Tell me a joke.....

[Motorhead]

What's more amazing than a talking dog?.................A spelling Bee.

 

[Motorhead]

How does a Baker fix the sink? ..............With a Croissant wrench.

 

[Motorhead]

What did the skeleton say when it went into the bar.....................Give me a beer and a mop.

 

[Philbert]

A termite walks into a bar. "Excuse me!", he calls out, "is the bar tender around here?"

Philbert

 

[Philbert]

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra . . .

Philbert

 

[Yukon Stihl]

Three moles walking along a shelf in a cheese factory
1st mole "i smell cheese"
2nd mole "i smell cheese too"
3rd mole " i smell molasses"

 

[Motorhead]

A redneck takes his pregnant wife to the hospital to have a baby,After several hours in the delivery room the nurse says congratulations you have quintuplets. The Redneck replies that sounds about right,I've got a pecker the size of a chimbly.To that the nurse replies,Well you might wanna get it cleaned because their all black.

 

[jakethesnake]

Love it

 

[Philbert]

These are real things that I personally heard on, or read in, my local news in recent days:

'Two people found dead - we will have a live report at 6'.

'The warehouse fire was thought to be caused by something flammable that caught fire . . . '

(wildfire report) 'Smokey Mountains not out of the woods!'

"'LIVE NOW' Debbie Reynolds is dead"

" . . . student charged with battery" (I guess that his USB connection was down?)

Philbert

 

[old guy]

When you see a V of geese flying one side of the V is alwaks longer, do you know why?














There's more geese on one side.

 

[Motorhead]

Baby tomatoe falling behind mama tomatoe said ketchup.

 

[Motorhead]

I had a really good boomerang joke..............It'll come back to me.

 

[Motorhead]

What did the DJ say to the vegetable farmer? Lettuce Turnup the Beet.

 

[Motorhead]

Every Sunday,a little old lady placed $1000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest,overcome with curiosity,approached her.
Sister,I couldn't help but notice that you put $1000 a week in the collection plate,he stated
Why yes,she replied,every week my son sends me money,and what I don't need I give to the church.
That's wonderful,how much does he send you? Oh $2000 a week.
Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living? He's a veterinarian,she answered.
That's a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?
Well,he has a cathouse in Las Vegas and another in Reno.

 

[RonL]

Ancient kingdom a prisoner is condemned to death. King has the prisoner brought to the arena. King says: " If you perform three tasks I'll let you live". Prisoner is going to die anyways and agrees. " Inside the first door is a keg of wine. You must drink the entire keg. Inside the second door is a lion that is enraged because it has an infected tooth. You must remove the tooth. If you perform these two tasks, inside the third door is a nymphomaniac. You must satisfy her".
Prisoner goes in first door. Comes staggering out a while later, having drank the keg of wine. Prisoner goes in second door. It is awful. Lion roaring, prisoner screaming, crashing sounds. Then silence. Prisoner staggers out a bloody mess. Then calls out: " Where's that girl with the rotten tooth".

 

[RonL]

I've been going to bars for forty-five years. I've never seen a priest and a rabbi walk in. WTF!

 

[Philbert]

I've been going to bars for forty-five years. I've never seen a priest and a rabbi walk in. WTF!

They were waiting for the minister (not funny with just 2).

Philbert

 

[Wolverine]

 

[Jwalker1911]

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work – not aware that her 9-year-old son is hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

“Dark in here,” the boy whispers.
“Yes, it is,” the man replies awkwardly.
“I have a baseball. Want to buy it?”
“No, thanks.”
“My dad’s outside.”
“Okay, how much?”
“$250.”

A few weeks later, the same thing happens, and the boy and the mom’s lover find themselves in the closet together.

“Dark in here.”
“Yes, it is.”
“I have a baseball glove. Want to buy it?”
“No, thanks.”
“I’ll tell.”
“How much?”
“$750.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”

“I can’t,” the boy replies. “I sold them.”

“How much did you sell them for?” the dad asks.

“$1,000,” the boy proudly announces.

“That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that,” the father says, shocked. “That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

At church that Sunday, the father alerts the priest, makes his child sit in the confession booth, and closes the door.

“Dark in here,” the boy says.

The priest replies, “Don’t start that *s-word again.”

 

[jakethesnake]

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work – not aware that her 9-year-old son is hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

“Dark in here,” the boy whispers.
“Yes, it is,” the man replies awkwardly.
“I have a baseball. Want to buy it?”
“No, thanks.”
“My dad’s outside.”
“Okay, how much?”
“$250.”

A few weeks later, the same thing happens, and the boy and the mom’s lover find themselves in the closet together.

“Dark in here.”
“Yes, it is.”
“I have a baseball glove. Want to buy it?”
“No, thanks.”
“I’ll tell.”
“How much?”
“$750.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”

“I can’t,” the boy replies. “I sold them.”

“How much did you sell them for?” the dad asks.

“$1,000,” the boy proudly announces.

“That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that,” the father says, shocked. “That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

At church that Sunday, the father alerts the priest, makes his child sit in the confession booth, and closes the door.

“Dark in here,” the boy says.

The priest replies, “Don’t start that *s-word again.”

That's great