Tell me a joke.....

[quietfly]

Happy Monday!!!

 

[angelo c]

THE CREMATED HUSBAND.

MARTHA RECENTLY LOST HER HUSBAND. SHE HAD HIM CREMATED AND BROUGHT HIS ASHES HOME. PICKING UP THE URN THAT HE WAS IN, SHE POURED HIM OUT ON THE PATIO TABLE.

THEN, WHILE TRACING HER FINGERS IN THE ASHES, SHE STARTED TALKING TO HIM....

"YOU KNOW THAT DISHWASHER YOU PROMISED ME, BUT NEVER BOUGHT ME? I BOUGHT IT WITH THE INSURANCE MONEY!"

SHE PAUSED FOR A MINUTE, TRACING HER FINGERS IN THE ASHES, THEN SAID,

"REMEMBER THAT CAR YOU PROMISED ME BUT NEVER BOUGHT ME? WELL, I ALSO BOUGHT IT WITH THE INSURANCE MONEY!"

AGAIN SHE PAUSED FOR A FEW MINUTES AND, WHILE TRACING HER FINGERS IN THE ASHES, SHE SAID, "REMEMBER THAT DIAMOND RING YOU PROMISED ME BUT NEVER BOUGHT ME? I BOUGHT THAT, TOO, WITH THE INSURANCE MONEY!"

FINALLY, STILL TRACING HER FINGERS IN THE ASHES, SHE SAID, "REMEMBER THAT BLOW JOB I PROMISED YOU? HERE IT COMES.........!"

 

[Wood Doctor]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'"

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Very simple. Not every golfer pays.”

 

[Windthrown]

The old man was sleeping quietly in his bed. He was awakened by a lovely smell he had not experienced in some time. As he sat up he remembered that he was on his death bed with heart failure. But no matter, the smell was too inviting. So he climbed out of bed and got his robe and slippers on, and he slowly made his way down the hall to the stairs. The smell was stronger now and getting better with every step. He slowly made his way down the stairs, one at a time. He was compelled to move toward the source, which apparently was the kitchen. He shuffled into the kitchen and there on the table was a pile of chocolate chip cookies, freshly baked. Ah, the source of the aroma had been found! So he shuffled over to the table and reached out slowly with a shaky hand and... WHAP WHAP WHAP! He retreated rapidly as his wife stood there holding her stinging spatula saying, "Don't eat those, they're for the funeral!"

 

[super3]

A teacher was reading the story of The Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read "And so the pig went up to a man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said: Pardon me sir, may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said ..."I think the man would have said- I'll be a son of a #####!! a talking pig!"

The teacher had to leave the room...

 

[stihl livin]

What do you call 365 used rubbers?
















A good year

 

[quietfly]

Saw a CL add for a vintage Stihl.

can't figure out for the life of me what size piston it is.....

 

[Philbert]

Saw a CL add for a vintage Stihl.

Left hand clutch is unusual . . . .

Philbert

 

[S Sidwell]

Does it say what piston stroke it has?

Steve

 

[S Sidwell]

Looks almost like a Power Stroke engine, i could be wrong.

Steve

 

[Philbert]

A young man name Dan bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Dan's house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Dan replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

Dan said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”

The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”

Dan said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”

Dan, “Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”

A month Later, the farmer met up with Dan and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”

Dan said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.”

The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”

Dan said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.”

 

[Motorhead]

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster, one that would service all of his many hens
When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the hornets rooster you will ever see!
So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. Henry he said, I'm counting on you to do your stuff. And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house
Henry was fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henryhad finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there, he went into the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same
The farmer, watching all of this in disbelief, cried out, stop Henry, you'll kill yourself. But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up on the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry
The farmer walked up to Henry saying, oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy.
Shhhhhh, Henry whispered, The buzzard is getting closer.

 

[Wood Doctor]

This young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day.

The young man walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said. "I have some suggestions that ares sure to help."

"Tell me, tell me," said the young man.

"First, tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Definitely," said the old man. The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"Wow!" that really helped. "Do you have any more suggestions?"

"Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"It sure will," said the old man.

The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cuff link off the piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?"

"One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."

The young fellow didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun.

"Add that grease to the whole gun, handle and everything" said the old man.

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"No," said the old man, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano, he's going to outdraw you, shove that gun up your butt, and it won't hurt nearly as much."

 

[Wood Doctor]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

 

[Motorhead]

Carrots may be good for your eyes but booze will double your vision

 

[TJ the Chainsaw Mechanic]

Carrots may be good for your eyes but booze will double your vision

LITERALLY

 

[danimal]

LITERALLY

So. Thats why i C everything twice as good...

 

[Motorhead]

LITERALLY

That's an alternative fact

 

[Philbert]

A grizzly bear walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "We can't serve a beer to a bear."
The bear says, "You had better serve me a beer, or, or . . . (he looks around) . . or I will eat that woman at the end of the bar!"
The bartender says, "I told you. No beer for bears."
The grizzly goes down to the end of the bar and eats the woman. He returns and asks, "Now do I get that beer?"
The bartender says, "I can't serve anyone on drugs."
The bear asks, "Drugs? What drugs?"
The bartender replies, "Hey, I saw that bar b*tch you ate!"

 

[Wood Doctor]

A man went to New York on a business trip. When the trip was over, he took a cab to get to the airport. The cab driver decided to have a little fun at the man’s expense, so he asked, “My mother had three kids, one was my brother, one was my sister, who was the third?”

The passenger had no idea. The driver replied, “The third one was ME!”

The man went home to his wife and said to her, “Hey honey, here’s a riddle for you. My mother had three kids, one was my brother, one was my sister, who was the third one?”

His wife was stumped and said, “I don’t know, who?”

The man responded, “Believe it or not, some cab driver in New York.