Tell me a joke.....

[Locust Cutter]

At least they circle there mistakes.

Sent from my SM-J320W8 using Tapatalk

Well, the first step of solving any problem is clearly identifying it, so...

Our love is solid as a rock.
We built our love today like Henry Ford built cars,
Not one that falls apart after once around the block,
Our love is solid as a rock.

The late George Jones? I don't see Chevy or Dodge mentioned anywhere.

And, God Love Him, how many marriages did he have in His lifetime? The Man's music, Like Johnny's and Ray's was phenomenal because it was truth that he lived...

 

[Motorhead]

The president got off the helicopter in front of the White House with a baby hog under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said, Nice pigs sir. The President replied, These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback hogs. I got one for Hillary and I got one for Chelsea
The marine snapped to attention,saluted, and replied, Nice trade,sir.

 

[Greenthorn]

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd
toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle
of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer
her, a peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig the peanut
out, but only succeeded in pushing it deeper into his ear. He called
his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying to remove the peanut,

they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were
ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After

being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get
the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down. The young
man then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow
hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out, and everyone was
pleased. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter
took him into the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father, exclaiming, "That
was wonderful! Isn't he intelligent? What do you think he'll be when
he grows older?!"*

The father replies, "From the smell of his fingers, our
son-in-law!"

 

[Motorhead]

A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him. As their wedding day approached she became very nervous about her impending deflowering. Putting her anxiety aside,she decided that she would just marry her man and let him do whatever it was that he wanted to do
The honeymoon went well and was great fun,but as soon as she got home,she went to her doctor to question him on some new things she'd seen
What can I help you with? He asked
She said, well first,what is that thing between my husbands legs called?
Ma'am, that's called a penis
I see,she said. Now what is that big thing on the end of the penis called?
The old doctor smiled and said, Why that there is called the head of the penis.
I do declare! exclaimed the young woman. One last question doctor, what are those two big round things about 12 to 14 inches behind the head of the penis?
He paused and said, I'm not sure about your husband, ma'am, but on me, they're called the cheeks of my ass!

 

[ajschainsaws]

Paddy and Murphy where asked to measure how high the flagpole was
Paddy says to Murphy how the hell are we going to get up there and measure that, Murphy says easy leave it too me so Murphy unscrews the bolts at the bottom and lowers the flagpole flat on the ground
Paddy replies too Murphy you thick idiot I wanted too measure the height not the length

 

[ajschainsaws]

Boy comes home from school and says to his father dad I've got a part in the school play , well done says father
what is the play about and what role have you got son
Well dad the play is about a man and women who've been married 25yrs
And I play the husband father replies unlucky son hopefully next year you'll get a speaking role

 

[Motorhead]

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, I'd like some polish sausage.
The clerk looks at him and says , are you polish? The guy, clearly offended says,
Well,yes I am. But let me ask you something, If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hotdog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh?Would ya?
The clerk says, well no
With deep self righteous indignation,the guy says, Well alright then,why did you ask me if I'm polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?
The clerk replies, Because this is Home Depot.

 

[Jwalker1911]

 

[Motorhead]

My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters
Winter was fast approaching and the years first snow came early and I was concerned about the houses lack of insulation
If they could live here all those years,so can we!my husband confidently declared
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero,and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost
My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm.After a brief conversation,he hung up.
For the past thirty years,he muttered,they've gone to Florida for the winter.

 

[Wood Doctor]

Can any one say the difference between complete and finished? No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between ‘Complete’ and ‘Finished.’ They are synonyms.

However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clever winner. His final challenge was this.
Some say there is no difference between ‘Complete’ and ‘Finished.’ Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.

His response was: "When you marry the right woman, you are Complete. If you marry the wrong woman, you are Finished. And, when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are Completely Finished."

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.

 

[ajschainsaws]

3 men where captured by female savages and they where told there manhood would be taken off in a manner appropriate to there profession
1st man was a lumberjack so it would be chopped off
2nd man was a butcher so it would be sliced off
3rd man started laughing the females asked what was so funny he replied I work for Hoover

 

[danimal]

True story....
Bout 30 yrs ago my wife and myself stopped at a local watering hole to grab a burger and beer after a movie on a Saturday nite.
Waitress comes to our booth to take our order. Lo and behold it's none other than Roxie!
Now Roxie is bout 7-8 yrs younger than me, knew her dad since she was born....However, this early 20's young woman has grown-up and become a GODDESS.
As hot as any centerfold in playboy.
Foxy Roxie is what she is called by all the guys back then.
We are chatting away,joking and what not. She leans over,takes a sniff and asks " oh my, what have you got on?"
My heart skipped a beat at that, and I don't know why, specially with my wife sitting next to me I blurted out
( I got a hard on, but I didn't know you could smell it).
She smiled and giggled,,, and my wife punches me in my right ear so hard that I ended up on the floor.
I have problems with that ear to this day, damn that gal is strong..

 

[ajschainsaws]

Teacher in the 11 and under class asked the pupils what sounds they heard on the farm trip yesterday , one little girl says moooo , another little girl says baaaah
Another little girl says quack quack
and a cheeky little boy at the front says get off that f---Ing tractor

 

[angelo c]

The Power of Money and BS

SO I TOLD MY SON, "YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE.".......HE SAID, "NO."


I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES DAUGHTER.".......HE SAID, "OK"


I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON,"..... BILL GATES SAID, "NO WAY"


I TOLD BILL, "MY SON IS THE C.E.O. OF WORLD BANK."......BILL GATES SAID, "OK"


I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE C.E.O.......HE SAID, "LIKE HELL I WILL"


I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES SON-IN-LAW".......HE SAID, "IN THAT CASE, OK"


AND THAT MY FRIENDS.....IS EXACTLY HOW OUR POLITICAL SYSTEMS WORKS!

 

[WKEND LUMBERJAK]

The Power of Money and BS

SO I TOLD MY SON, "YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE.".......HE SAID, "NO."


I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES DAUGHTER.".......HE SAID, "OK"


I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON,"..... BILL GATES SAID, "NO WAY"


I TOLD BILL, "MY SON IS THE C.E.O. OF WORLD BANK."......BILL GATES SAID, "OK"


I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE C.E.O.......HE SAID, "LIKE HELL I WILL"


I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES SON-IN-LAW".......HE SAID, "IN THAT CASE, OK"


AND THAT MY FRIENDS.....IS EXACTLY HOW OUR POLITICAL SYSTEMS WORKS!

Yep it is a joke. Very sad.

 

[Motorhead]

Old people at weddings always poke me and say your next, So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

 

[WKEND LUMBERJAK]

Old people at weddings always poke me and say your next, So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Just not right.

 

[quietfly]

I’m at the grocery store buying a bag of dog food. While on the line the guy behind me asks me if I have a dog. Really? Why else would I be buying dog food??? So anyway I decided to mess with the guy. I told him

“NO, actually I don’t have a dog, I’m just starting a dogfood diet again. I know I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital last time. Thing is it worked so well I lost 50 lb’s before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of every hole I have and IV’s in both arms and legs. “

The guy was dumbfounded so I decided to keep going.

“essentially it’s the perfect diet. All you do is load up your pockets and when you get hungry you just have a few nuggets”

Seeing he had completely bit on the story I continued.

“the food is made to be both filling and nutritionally complete so you won’t suffer any of the common side effects that happen from other diets. In fact it worked so well that I can’t help but try it again.”

By this time everyone in the line, including the cashier was completely caught up in the story. Horrified the poor guy who started it all turned to me and asked if I wound up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me? I looked him in the eye and said.

“No , I stepped off a curve to sniff a poodles ass, and a car hit me”

The cashier was laughing so hard I thought she would have a heart attack.

 

[Wolverine]

Hardy har har! I lol'd!!

 

[Wolverine]

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