Tell me a joke.....

[Motorhead]

Yea, They f##k up the crops.

 

[Wood Doctor]

A guy walking along the beach finds a bottle and picks it up. A genie pops out and says, “Thanks for letting me out. For your kindness I will grant you one wish.”

The guys says, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can’t because I’m afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick. My wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii.”

The genie says, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Think of the huge pilings we’d need to hold up that highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it’s such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. No, that’s just too much to ask. Impossible.”

The guy says, “Well, there is one thing I’ve always wanted to know. I’d like to be able to understand women…what makes them laugh and cry…you know, what makes them tick.”

The genie thinks a second, then asks, “You want two lanes or four?”

 

[Greenthorn]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in
the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them,
and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a
beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot
tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The
birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can
you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a
birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small
tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor
a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of
ash I have ever put my pecker in."

 

[Greenthorn]

Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and
says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
Sam asks "How will I recognize him?"

That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he's
looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse's
eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this
point, but he picks him up again and shows him the
horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him
under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he
can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him
on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should wephwase that;
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit."

 

[Greenthorn]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied,
"Jack Daniels and women with big tits."

 

[Motorhead]

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?.........................................she gagged

 

[angelo c]

A man calls 999 and says: "I think my wife is dead."
The operator says: "How do you know?"
He says: "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

 

[ajschainsaws]

 

[merc_man]

Seen this on a fishing forum..

 

[angelo c]

News Update from Canada:



The flood of Trump-fearing American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week. The Republican presidential campaign and win is prompting an exodus among left-leaning Americans who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, pay taxes, and live according to the Constitution. Canadian border residents say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, global-warming activists, and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night.



"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota . "He was cold, exhausted and hungry, and begged me for a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”


In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just stuck their fingers in their ears and kept coming.



Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals just south of the border, pack them into electric cars, and drive them across the border, where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies. "A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Alberta border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier water, or any gemelli with shrimp and arugula. All they had was a nice little Napa Valley cabernet and some kale chips. When liberals are caught,they're sent back across the border, often wailing that they fear persecution from Trump high-hairers.



Rumors are circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, study the Constitution, and find jobs that actually contribute to the economy.


In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.



Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, are buying up all the Barbara Streisand CD's, and are overloading the internet while downloading jazzercise apps to their cell phones. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. “After all, how many art-history majors or sociologists does one country need?”
--
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?

 

[TJ the Chainsaw Mechanic]

^^^On the floor laughing^^^^

 

[Motorhead]

A man walks into a brothel. He walks up to the proprietor and says. What can I get for 10$ ? The proprietor says. Go up the stairs,first room on the right. The man walks into the room and sits on the bed, he notices a small door et the bottom of one of the walls. The door opens up,and a chicken comes walking out. The man has his way with the chicken. The man comes back the next day and says to the proprietor. I didn't really like that,and I'd like a refund. The proprietor says, Oh good sir, Trust me. Go up stairs, but this time go into the first room on the left, and you won't want your ten dollars back. So the man goes into the room, and this room is much larger than the other, with theater type seating, and a big curtain on one side. A few people are scattered throughout the seats,and the man sits down. The curtain opens up, and it's actually a large flat screen tv and what appears to be live camera feed of an orgy. The man leans over to a guy sitting next to him and says. Man, this is something huh? The other guy says, You should have been here yesterday Some guy was f##king a chicken.

 

[Philbert]

A Union steward goes to Las Vegas for a convention and decides to check out the brothels.

Knocks at the first door and asks the Madam if it is a Union brothel, "No sir it is not", she says. "The girl gets $20 and the House keeps $80." He declines, and walks up the road.

Same question at the second brothel. "No sir it is not", she says. "The girl gets $40 and the House keeps $60." He declines, and continues to walk up the road.

Third brothel; "Yes sir, our workers are all Union members", the Madam says. "The girl gets $80 and the House keeps $20." He smiles and points to a young worker stating, "I'd like a date with Tiffany over there". The madam smiles and says, "I'm sure that you would, but Ethel, over here, has seniority."

Philbert

 

[Motorhead]

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about nurse Jenny. She's incredibly dumb. She does every thing absolutely backwards ,said one doctor. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours, He nearly died on us! The second doctor said, That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She gave him 24 enemas in an hour! The guy nearly exploded! Suddenly, they hear this blood curdling scream from down the hall. Oh my god! Said the first doctor, I just realized I told nurse Jenny to prick Mr Smiths boil!

 

[Jwalker1911]

What is the difference between a circus and a hoe house? A circus has a cunning array of stunts..

 

[Motorhead]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks. In the sweetest little lisp, Excuthe me, mithter,do you keep widdle wabbits? As the shopkeepers heart melts,he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level,and asks, Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy back wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?
She in turn blushes, rocks on her heels,puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.

 

[Motorhead]

How do you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?".....................by the taste.

 

[Motorhead]

How does a woman scare a gynecologist?......................by becoming a ventriloquist.

 

[Motorhead]

An 80 year old couple were seen shagging furiously up against a fence for 40 minutes they shagged like crazy, Arms and legs going everywhere until they fell to the ground.
Christ she said, You didn't f #ck me like that 50 years ago! To which the old man replied........50 years ago that fence wasn't f#cking electric!

 

[Motorhead]

A man walks into a doctors office and says, Doctor you must help me. I have aids. The doctor replies are you gay? The man truthfully answers, yes,
The doctor says, I think I can help. Go to the grocery store, buy a box of laxatives and a quart of prune juice. Take all the laxatives and drink all the prune juice.
Take a nap for a couple hours. When you wake up your problem will be solved. The man answered, Will that cure my aids? No, But you will find out what your a## hole is for.