Tell me a joke.....

[rocketnorton]

A father told his 3 children when he sent them to college:

"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die.”

And so it happened, one became a doctor, one a lawyer, and one a financial planner, each very financially successful. When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

First, it was the doctor who put 10 newly printed, crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.

Then, came the financial planner, who also placed $1,000 in cash there.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. She dipped into her purse, took out her checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, placed it into her father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

She is now running for President of the United States.

qtla

 

[Wood Doctor]

A couple of overseas puns:

(1) England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

(2) Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

(3) I was using one of the local bar's urinals and a guy walks up next to me at the other one and says, "I'm Irish, so I can tell that European."

 

[Motorhead]

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. If I do 200 mph,will you take off your clothes? he asked. Yes! Said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200,she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road,the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear,but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. Go and get some help! He cried. But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone! Take my shoe,he said,and cover yourself. Holding the shoe over her pubes,the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs,she pleaded to the service station proprietor, Please help me! My boyfriends stuck! The proprietor looked at the shoe and said,There's nothing I can do.......he's in too far.

 

[angelo c]

 

[Dub11]

Dont know if you all heard this one or not but Danica Patrick threw out the opening pitch at the cubs first playoff game. Hit the wall and totalled three car ls in the parking lot.

 

[ajschainsaws]

 

[ajschainsaws]

 

[Greenthorn]

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Mackay, Idaho. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After several minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

 

[ajschainsaws]

 

[backhoelover]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jackasses, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."

and we have a winner

 

[Greenthorn]

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.
No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost
all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now, there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not
succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" they all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!

 

[paragonbuilder]

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.
No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost
all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now, there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not
succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" they all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!

Oh man! I can't stop laughing!! You can't make this stuff up.
Your wife couldn't have at least got you a towel?

 

[ajschainsaws]

 

[ajschainsaws]

 

[Greenthorn]

While I was watching the Cubs and Indians last night, my wife and I got into
a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation, I told her that I never wanted to
exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machines and taking fluids
from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV, threw my laptop out the window and tossed out all off my beer and whiskey.

Sometimes, it's tough being married to a smartass!

 

[Stihlsmoking]

I needed a day off from work so I called in and said I had anal glaucoma. About an hour later the boss called asking what was wrong if I was ok ? I said yeah I just couldn't see my ass coming in today!!!

 

[Greenthorn]

Gamblers Revenge

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He
lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the
second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport
he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino
where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the
cabby.

He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his
credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no
avail. The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out
of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and
was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain
his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to
get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at
the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him
a ride, when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment
about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a
plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a
ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how
much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and
asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend
at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the
airport?"
The cabby replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off
they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

 

[Greenthorn]

A reporter goes into the mountains to find an old mountain man and do a story about life in the mountains. After finding one and talking at length he asked him what was one of the best times of his life? Well, the old fella says. Once my neighbor Clyde who lives a few ridges over wife Annie got lost. Him me 3 other fellers got our hunting dogs together. Took a gallon of shine and tracked her till we found her. Then we all sat on downed trees drank that shine. Then we bent Annie over a stump and screwed the hell outta her. Damn that was a good time. I cant print that. Tell me about another good time you had. Said the reporter. So the old man says. Well, once old man Jake's who lives in possum holler 17 year daughter Sally went and got lost. Me him 3 other fellers got up our hunting dogs a gallon of shine and went tracking till we found her. Then we sat around on stumps drank our shine and then screwed the hell outta Sally. Damn that was a good time. Reporter said look like I told you I cant print a story like that. Lets try this tell me about the saddest time of your life. Old guy looks at him. His face even has a sad look on it when he begins Well once I got lost in these mountains.

 

[Motorhead]

A man is working in a d#ldo store,when a brunette walks in. She asks him how much for the black d#ldo? He replies 50$ for the black one, 50$ for the white one. She leaves without purchasing anything. A redhead walks in and asks him how much for the white d#ldo? He replies 50$ for the white one,50$ For the black one, she doesn't buy anything. A blonde enters the store and asks how much for a d#ldo? He answers 50$ for a black one,50$ for a white one. She asks how much for the plaid one on the shelf behind him? He says oh that's a very special one, that's 250$. She buys it. At closing, the manager walks in and asks the man how much he sold. The man said no d#ldos but I sold your thermos for 250$

 

[Ryan Browne]

A man is working in a d#ldo store,when a brunette walks in. She asks him how much for the black d#ldo? He replies 50$ for the black one, 50$ for the white one. She leaves without purchasing anything. A redhead walks in and asks him how much for the white d#ldo? He replies 50$ for the white one,50$ For the black one, she doesn't buy anything. A blonde enters the store and asks how much for a d#ldo? He answers 50$ for a black one,50$ for a white one. She asks how much for the plaid one on the shelf behind him? He says oh that's a very special one, that's 250$. She buys it. At closing, the manager walks in and asks the man how much he sold. The man said no d#ldos but I sold your thermos for 250$

What's a d#ildo farmer's worst nightmare?















Squatters.