Tell me a joke.....

[angelo c]

Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to Michigan, the
other to Florida. They agree to meet every ten years in North Port
and play golf.

At age 30, they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the
tight shorts, and the legs …”
“OK.”

Ten years later at age 40 they play.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and
everybody has a little bet on the games.”
“OK.”

Ten years later at age 50 they play
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking.”
”OK.”

At age 60 they play
“Where you wanna go?
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Wings are half price.”
“OK”

At age 70 they play
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door.”
“OK.”

At age 80 they play
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“We’ve never been there before.”

 

[TimRD]

Had to break this one up into two posts since I could only post 5 files at a time...

This came out about the time of the Patriot Act

 

[TimRD]

 

[hseII]

View attachment 34257 View attachment 34258 View attachment 34259

It don't work.

 

[TimRD]

It don't work.

It's all there now I think.

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

 

[huskihl]

Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed
Little Bo Peep was giving him head
As he came, she started to weep
She could tell by the taste he'd been shagging her sheep

 

[Motorhead]

A man his wife and a good looking stranger are stranded on a desert island. The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good looking stranger. The three start to build a watch tower. The stranger offers to take the first watch. While the husband and wife gather driftwood on the sand, the stranger yells, hey! No sex on the beach! Get back to work! The husband yells back, we're not having sex! Later the stranger yells out to them again. Again the husband yells back and corrects him. This happens several times during the strangers shift. Finally, the husband takes his shift in the watch tower. His wife and the stranger make passionate love on the beach. The husband on watch exclaims, wow, it really does look like f##king from up here.

 

[Wood Doctor]

Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to Michigan, the
other to Florida. They agree to meet every ten years in North Port
and play golf.

At age 30, they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the
tight shorts, and the legs …”
“OK.”

Ten years later at age 40 they play.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and
everybody has a little bet on the games.”
“OK.”

Ten years later at age 50 they play
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking.”
”OK.”

At age 60 they play
“Where you wanna go?
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Wings are half price.”
“OK”

At age 70 they play
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door.”
“OK.”

At age 80 they play
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“We’ve never been there before.”

I was standing at my favorite bar one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, “You’re kind’a cute. You gotta phone number?”

I said, “Yeah, you gotta pen?”

She said, “Yeah, I got a pen.”

I said, “You better get back in it before the farmer misses you.”
Cost me a black eye…but, when you’re over seventy, who cares?

 

[angelo c]

WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE...

The Italian – throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.

The German – carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.

The Frenchman – takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.

The Chinese – eats the fly and throws away the coffee.

The Russian – Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.

The Israeli – sells the coffee to the Frenchman, sells the fly to the Chinese, sells the cup to the Italian, drinks a cup of tea, and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.

The Palestinian – blames the Israeli for the fly falling into his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, the German and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give his cup of coffee to the Palestinian so there will be peace.

 

[Motorhead]

Sprayed febreeze in my bathroom, now it smells like *s-wordris.

 

[angelo c]

DOGS vs WIVES

Sixteen Logical Reasons Why some Men have Dogs And not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more
excited your dog is to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them
by another dog's name..

3. Dogs like it if you leave lots
of things on the floor.

4. Dogs' parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog, they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're pissed.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em.

11. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray.

13. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching your balls. Instead, they sit ponderingwhy you don't lick 'em.

14. Dogs will let you put a studded collar on, without calling you a pervert.

15. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.
And last, but not least:

16. If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff.

To verify these statements:Lock your wife and your dog in your car for an hour.
Then open the door and see which one is happy to see you!

 

[Motorhead]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, you know , I don't know what else to do. When ever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife still wakes up, and yells at me for staying out so late. His buddy looks at him and says, Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, You as horny as I am?....... and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!

 

[Motorhead]

Four men are out golfing one day. The first man steps up to tee and states boastfully, My son is so rich that he bought his lover a house. The second man steps up to tee and says, Well, My son is so rich that he bought his lover a new car. The third man steps up and says. My son is so wealthy that he bought his lover a vacation home in Miami. Finally, the fourth man goes to tee and he says, Well my son isn't rich and self made like yours and he's gay, and from what I hear,despite my objections, he has 3 separate lovers and from them he just got a new house, a new car, and a summer home in Miami.

 

[Wood Doctor]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette and with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit irritated, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,

“Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!”

 

[Greenthorn]

Mr. Smith is walking back thru his back yard and looks over the fence to see little Sally digging a hole.
"Hey, Sally,", He asks, "Whatcha doin' diggin' that hole?"
"I'm buryin' my fish", Sally responds.
"Isn't that a big hole for a fish?" Mr. Smith replies.
"Not when it's inside your f@#%ing cat!", Sally retorts!

 

[jake wells]

Mary Mary quite contrary shave that pussy it's so damn hairy.......

 

[Greenthorn]

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
"Well, sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, Father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree", says the Priest. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything, Father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts,and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any
harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes, Sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh Father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."

"Is that true, Father?"
"Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh Father that's wonderful!"
"Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here."

 

[angelo c]

A father told his 3 children when he sent them to college:

"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die.”

And so it happened, one became a doctor, one a lawyer, and one a financial planner, each very financially successful. When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

First, it was the doctor who put 10 newly printed, crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.

Then, came the financial planner, who also placed $1,000 in cash there.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. She dipped into her purse, took out her checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, placed it into her father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

She is now running for President of the United States.

 

[Greenthorn]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jackasses, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."

 

[Greenthorn]

A woman and her boyfriend are out for New Years having
a few drinks.While they're sitting there having a good
time together she starts talking about this really
great new drink.The more she talks about it the more
excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her
boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink
for him.The bartender brings the drink and puts the
following on the bar -- a salt shaker, a shot of
Baileys and a shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the
woman explains.
"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next
you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your
mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her,
goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty
but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich,
cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK. Finally
he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... in one
second the sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the
Baileys curdles... at three seconds the salty curdled
bitter taste hits.This triggers his gag reflex but
being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his
girlfriend,he swallows the now nasty drink. When he
finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend.

She smiles widely at him and says, "So, how did you
like it?











It's called 'Blow Job's Revenge.'