Tell me a joke.....

[TJ the Chainsaw Mechanic]

I can see you but you can't see me. hehe Deceiving though.

 

[Philbert]

At night those one-way mirrors become transparent.

Just saying.

Philbert

 

[Yukon Stihl]

I'd hit it

 

[Stihlsmoking]

Would you?

My luck it would be powered mirrors and get shut off ?

 

[Wolverine]

Exactly why I wouldn't

 

[jakethesnake]

Hell I'd still use it

 

[Wood Doctor]

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
----------------
Don't groan too loud. Thanks.

 

[TimRD]

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?

...

The pick pocket snatches watches.

 

[Greenthorn]

A guy goes into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Dang man, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast too if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "only 50 cents."

 

[Philbert]

What's the main difference between a Hoover vacuum cleaner and a Harley Davidson motorcycle ?




(The position of the dirt bag).

Philbert

 

[Motorhead]

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School......God blesses you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the aged. All my family has passed away. It's nice to know that someone really thinks of me. God blesses you for your kindness to an old,forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine,and I said f##k you.

 

[Wood Doctor]

Yet another groaner from the doctor:

Word has it that most audiologists occasionally take a vacation in their houseboats. Whenever they do, they usually launch their craft on lake Erie.

 

[TimRD]

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef.

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

 

[Wood Doctor]

What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

Good grief. That's even worse than my groaner. Gasp!

Being from the beef state, the only thing I have to say is that seven days without beef makes one weak.

 

[TimRD]

I just hope nobody's knees hurt from slapping them too hard.

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

 

[Motorhead]

An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, That's no problem. How many do you want? The man answered, Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces. The doctor said, That won't do you any good. The elderly gentleman said, That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes.

 

[angelo c]

Arkansas Dog:

A young Arkie goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend - he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole’ Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole’ Blue in that program?"

"Just send him over here with $10,000" the young Arkie says, "and I'll get him in the course."

So, his Father sends the dog the $10,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his Father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his Father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $5,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad. She very quickly came up with a plan for him.

So she has him shoot the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited. "Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole’ Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".

"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so - is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The Father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Daddy!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school in Fayetteville, he became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States, and you already know what a liar his girlfriend turned out to be!

 

[Wolverine]

Not a joke but entertaining non the less.

 

[Motorhead]

What is a Yankee ?

 

[Motorhead]

It's kinda like a quickie only you do it yourself.