Tell me a joke.....

[Wood Doctor]

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
“Two dogs, please,” says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their ‘dogs.’

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”

 

[Wolverine]

 

[Wood Doctor]

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says, “Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”

With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife’s bottom. Then he exclaims, “Yes, I was right, your butt is 2″ wider than the barbecue!”

The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”

 

[Greenthorn]

Doctor Albert had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head: "Al, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go..."





















But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: "Al, You're a Veterinarian"

 

[Philbert]

Not a joke. Really in a Jonsered manual I have.

Philbert

 

[merc_man]

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says, “Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”

With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife’s bottom. Then he exclaims, “Yes, I was right, your butt is 2″ wider than the barbecue!”

The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”

Already on here.

 

[Greenthorn]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?


Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.


Older Woman: Oh, I see.


Officer: Can I see your license please?


Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.


Officer: Don't have one?


Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.


Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.


Older Woman: I can't do that.


Officer: Why not?


Older Woman: I stole this car.


Officer: Stole it?


Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.


Officer: You what?


Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see


The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.


Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.


Older woman: Is there a problem sir?


Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.


Older Woman: Murdered the owner?


Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.


The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.


Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?


Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.


Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.


The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.


The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.


Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.


Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

 

[Wolverine]

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.
Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '
An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '
When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'
'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,
'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'
'It's The Box Office.'

 

[Wood Doctor]

Already on here.

Yeah, but the punctuation was so bad that it was a joke. So, I cleaned it up. Mom was an English teacher and I was a journalist long before I ever ran into a chain saw. After that, I never recovered.

 

[Wood Doctor]

Not a joke. Really in a Jonsered manual I have.
View attachment 30625
Philbert

This one reminds me of what happened last week while I was helping a tree felling crew cut down a locust tree. They had tied a rope 20' up and had three or four guys pulling on it to help steer the fall. I looked at the tree height and the rope length and yelled at the sawyer, Sebastian, to hold on a minute. Using an old boy scout trick, I walked out from the base of the tree about 60' at a right angle to the rope and then sighted the tree height with my forearm. I pivoted it down toward the crew and said, "Looks like the tree top will hit the first guy holding the rope but the rest of you are OK."

The foreman scoffed at me and said, "No entire way! Go ahead, Sebastian, let her rip."

Sebastian thought for a moment and then moved his wedge position up three feet from the ground before he dropped it. The tree fell and the first guy on the rope barely got out of the way of the top branch. Had Sebastian not raised the hinge higher, and had the crew not moved back as the tree dropped, it could have been ugly.

The foreman then said, "See, I told you so."

Perhaps not a joke, but now and then we need a break in the action. I learned a lot from Robert Baden-Powell.

 

[angelo c]

How to tell him gently...

With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband, "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?"

No, said her husband.”

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage, created by a soft, silky, push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill. He took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked, "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?"

"No, I haven't," he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, unzipped her skirt, letting It drop to the floor and seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill. He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 50,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way!" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:


"Go look in the garage..."

 

[Wood Doctor]

Confucius Say:
It's OK to let a fool kiss you, but don't let a kiss fool you.

Confucius Say:
A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.

Confucius Say:
It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.

Confucius Say:
Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy.

Confucius Say:
A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

Confucius Say:
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest.

Confucius Say:
It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want.

Confucius Say:
A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don't get it.

 

[Wood Doctor]

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but a## holes.

Kind of like this?

Except the birds on the bottom taking it all in ain't smiling.

 

[Wolverine]

 

[Wolverine]

Shoot, I have a ton political stuff I could plaster all over.... but I come here for the lack there of... We don't all feel the same way so lets just refrain!

 

[Mastermind]

Dear Sirs.

Please refrain from posting political stuff on OPE.

Please.

I'm not gonna delete anyone's post........but let's keep that sort of stuff out of here if that's ok with y'all.

Thank you kindly.

 

[Wolverine]

 

[Wolverine]

 

[Wolverine]

Shoot, I could put more jokes on here but they just get copied and reposted,poor typing skills?

I like quick and easy

 

[TJ the Chainsaw Mechanic]

For the soul?