Tell me a joke.....

[Motorhead]

Comes out looking the same as it did when it went in.

 

[TJ the Chainsaw Mechanic]

Now we got issues.

 

[redoakneck]

Comes out looking the same as it did when it went in.

Might as well eat crayons, more colorful

 

[redoakneck]

Pics?[/QUOTE


Give me a day or so, made that wonderful discovery when the Golden retriever ate a 168 pack of the kids crayons. Made scooping the yard much easier!!!

 

[Motorhead]

A postal carrier is working on a new beat. He comes to a garden gate marked Beware Of Parrot! He looks down the garden and, sure enough, there's a parrot sitting on its perch. He has a little chuckle to himself at the sign and the parrot on its perch. The mailman opens the gate and walks into the garden. He gets as far as the parrots perch, when suddenly. It calls out,Rex, Attack!

 

[Wolverine]

 

[fossil]

 

[Wolverine]

Good one

 

[P.M.P.]

 

[P.M.P.]

 

[P.M.P.]

 

[P.M.P.]

 

[P.M.P.]

 

[angelo c]

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

 

[angelo c]

Dear Sirs.

Please refrain from posting political stuff on OPE.

Please.

I'm not gonna delete anyone's post........but let's keep that sort of stuff out of here if that's ok with y'all.

Thank you kindly.

with that in mind.... a "redacted " joke:




President (REDACTED) walked into the bank to cash a check. As he approached the cashier he said, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"


Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Would you please show me your ID?"


(REDACTED): "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am (REDACTED), the President of the United States of AMERICA!!!!"


Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the Dodd-Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing your ID.


(REDACTED): "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."


Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."


(REDACTED): "I order you to cash this check!"


Cashier: "Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.


And just last week, Stephen Curry came in without ID. He drained a 3 pointer into that waste basket over there by the door, and with that shot we cashed his check.


So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"


(REDACTED) stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing—I have no clue what to do.


Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?

 

[Mastermind]

with that in mind.... a "redacted " joke:




President (REDACTED) walked into the bank to cash a check. As he approached the cashier he said, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"


Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Would you please show me your ID?"


(REDACTED): "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am (REDACTED), the President of the United States of AMERICA!!!!"


Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the Dodd-Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing your ID.


(REDACTED): "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."


Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."


(REDACTED): "I order you to cash this check!"


Cashier: "Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.


And just last week, Stephen Curry came in without ID. He drained a 3 pointer into that waste basket over there by the door, and with that shot we cashed his check.


So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"


(REDACTED) stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing—I have no clue what to do.


Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?

That's too funny for me to scold ya over. LMAO


Fits a bunch of DC types.

 

[angelo c]

A SHORT... BUT BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY


A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own f@cking blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.


The End.

 

[Wolverine]

 

[Wolverine]

Would you?

 

[jakethesnake]

I would