Tell me a joke.....

[Philbert]

2 guys run into a bar, high-fiveing each other. The bartender asks, "What are you boys celebrating?"

One guy says, "We just finished a jig-saw puzzle!"

"How long did it take you?", asked the bartender.

"Six months!", exclaimed the other guy.

The bartender, confused, asks, "Six months? That sounds like an oftly long time!"

"Well", the first guy answers defensively, "the box said '3 to 6 years'!"

Philbert

 

[fossil]

The Dot

Thank heaven, SOMEONE HAS FINALLY CLEARED THIS UP:
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a taxi cab, a convenience store, a gas station, a do-nut shop or a motel in Canada . If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Telus internet technical advice.

 

[rocketnorton]

turban = pull start
dot = push button start
rest are kickstart

 

[rocketnorton]

why they stink?
so blind can hate em too.

 

[rocketnorton]

diff between them & bucket o chit?
the bucket.

 

[rocketnorton]

not racist, so here's a white one...

what's diff between a surrey girl & freezer?
freezer don't fart when ya take the meat out of it.

 

[merc_man]

Glen and his wife were working in their garden one day when Glen looks over at his wife and says.Your butt is getting really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue. With that he proceded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. Yes, I was right,your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue! The wife chose to ignore the husband. Later that night in bed Glen was feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. What's wrong?he asks. She answers. Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie.

I think you posted that one a while back lol.

 

[mdavlee]

A man walks into a crowded local bar brandishing a revolver yellingWhos been screwing my wife?A voice from the back of the bar shouts,You don't have enough ammo,mate!

That's just hilarious

 

[Duce]

Hillary and Donald jump out of a plane at the same time without parachutes. Who hits the ground first? Who cares as long as they both hit the ground.

 

[TJ the Chainsaw Mechanic]

Hillary and Donald jump out of a plane at the same time without parachutes. Who hits the ground first? Who cares as long as they both hit the ground.

And Bernie had a heart attack so they threw him out?

 

[Wood Doctor]

Last night the local pro baseball team offered a 2 for 1 beer night for ladies (half price). One of my good friends and I decided to bring the wives along, but they had to agree to let us buy them only one beer apiece per inning. They jumped on board and we all went to ball park.

As expected, by the bottom of the seventh, the bags were loaded.

 

[huskihl]

Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?



















Because she was a woman

 

[rocketnorton]

why's a toilet better n a woman?

don't follow ya round n bother y'all day after ya use it.

 

[nixon]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey . He orders a beer and sits down at the bar . All of a sudden , the monkey starts eating anything it can grab and fit in it's mouth . Before it can be caught it eats a cue ball . Not real happy ,the bar owner throws the guy and the monkey out .
About a year later , the guy comes back in with the monkey . He sits at the bar and orders a beer . The owner asks if it's the same monkey and if it's under control . Before he gets an answer the momkey starts grabbing stuff . He grabs some pretzels ,shoves them up his backside ,takes them out and eats them . He does this with a bunch of things . The bar owner asks "what the heck is up with that ? " . The monkeys owner replies " he just want to make sure anything he eats will come out . That cue ball damn near killed him . " .

 

[merc_man]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well for example,the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said. Come on man,how about giving a senior citizen a break? He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires. So my wife called him a dick head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him,the more tickets he wrote. Personally we didn't care. We came into town by bus.

That one sounds like a true story lol.

 

[huskihl]

How bout a 68?













You do me and I'll owe ya one

 

[Wood Doctor]

I'm sure that Motorhead can tell us what the speed limit is on US highway 69. Or can he?

 

[Wood Doctor]

68,at 69 you have to turn around

That's wrong. Correct answer is lickety split. Hope I don't get censored for this.

 

[Wood Doctor]

There was a Mensa convention in San Francisco. Mensa, as you probably know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher. Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local café. When they sat down, one of them discovered that their glass salt shaker, with the stainless top contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt.

How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly, this was a job for Mensa minds.

The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker has pepper."

But before they could finish, the waitress interrupted: "Oh, sorry about that."

She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them. There was dead silence at the Mensa table. Kind of reminds you of Washington D.C. , doesn't it?

 

[dall]

My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula,so I use it as both. When not in use,it is prominently displayed in a decorative ceramic utensil caddy in my kitchen. The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at a rummage sale.Its a pooper scooper.

so you can use it in the beginning and end