Tell me a joke.....

[olympyk_999]

 

[TJ the Chainsaw Mechanic]

Yep! 13 + a few years today! lol!

 

[Wood Doctor]

A young Arkansas lad goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend, he callshome.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him over here with $1,000" the young Arkie says "and I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his dad. She very quickly came up with a plan for him.

So she has him shoot the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".

"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school in Fayetteville . He became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States. She was appointed Secretary of State and is now running for President.

 

[wildroamer]

Show me a guy who doesn't eat and I'll steal his girlfriend!

 

[olympyk_999]

...................

 

[wildroamer]

Little Johnny is in third grade, out on the playground during recess. He and his friend overhear some older kids talking about penises, and neither of them have ever heard the word before.
Johnny says, "Don't worry. I'll go home and ask my pa. He'll know."
So that afternoon he finds his father and asks, "Hey pa, can you tell me what a penis is?"
His dad says, "Sure thing son. Come with me into the bathroom for a minute."
Once behind closed doors, Johnny's father pulls his pants down and says proudly, "Son, that is a penis. As a matter of fact, that is a perfect penis!"
Back on the playground the next day, Johnny shares his newfound knowledge with his pal. Hiding behind a tree, Johnny pulls his pants down and explains, "That is a penis. As a matter of fact, if it was two inches shorter it would be a perfect penis!"

 

[cantgitright]

Little Johnny is in third grade, out on the playground during recess. He and his friend overhear some older kids talking about penises, and neither of them have ever heard the word before.
Johnny says, "Don't worry. I'll go home and ask my pa. He'll know."
So that afternoon he finds his father and asks, "Hey pa, can you tell me what a penis is?"
His dad says, "Sure thing son. Come with me into the bathroom for a minute."
Once behind closed doors, Johnny's father pulls his pants down and says proudly, "Son, that is a penis. As a matter of fact, that is a perfect penis!"
Back on the playground the next day, Johnny shares his newfound knowledge with his pal. Hiding behind a tree, Johnny pulls his pants down and explains, "That is a penis. As a matter of fact, if it was two inches shorter it would be a perfect penis!"

you're a sicko!

 

[Wood Doctor]

I split and wrapped seven bundles of firewood today for sale. After doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said "nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked "about what?"

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions. Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

 

[angelo c]

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride-to-be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

"Please don't take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning."

"WELL!," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?"

"That one was a DEMOCRAT", said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

 

[Mastermind]

LMAO.

Priceless

 

[wildroamer]

Who's the most popular guy at the nude beach?
The one who can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.
Who's the most popular gal?
The one who can eat the last donut.

 

[cantgitright]

i don't get it...

 

[wildroamer]

i don't get it...

Shocker....

 

[olympyk_999]

Shocker....

 

[Wolverine]

 

[quietfly]

A man walks in the front door holding a duck.
His wife and children are sitting at the dinner table.
The man walks over to the table, still holding the duck, and sits down and joins them.
Turning towards his wife the man says
"Honey, this is the pig i've been having sex with".
His wife looks up , smirks and says
"That's a Duck, you buffoon! "
The man smiles back and says
" Its the duck i was talking too"

 

[quietfly]

Here is one of my Favorites:

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.”

 

[jakethesnake]

That was special

 

[quietfly]

That was special

I still smile everytime i tell it....

 

[rpowell]

A California business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Californian knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep. The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Californian joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"

Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"