Tell me a joke.....

[fossil]

SPANISH OYSTERS

An Australian stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Madrid .

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Si Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight. this morning. A delicacy!'

The Australian said, 'I will have the same please.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The following day he returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."

 

[fossil]

If you ever get out of the shop or the woods and into a social situation.....

 

[fossil]

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2015 EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent
events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from
"Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet
again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been
"A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies
nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to
"A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a
"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the
Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed
Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels.
This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the
British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has
raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two
higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise
was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag
factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly
and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels
remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from
"Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."
They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as
usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of
Brussels ...

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines
ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms
so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at
the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level
from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation
levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this
weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled."
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last
final escalation level.

Regards,

John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the
Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray.
Welcome back to 430 BC.

Life is too short.

 

[KenJax Tree]

If a Chinese couple has a black baby what would they name it?



Sum ting wong

 

[Wood Doctor]

THE CONFESSION
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much... I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.
THE ACTIONS
Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message from his neighbor:
THE SECOND MESSAGE
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my Autocorrect changed ‘Wi-Fi’ To ‘Wife’. Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that.
Regards, Alan

 

[Wood Doctor]

This one is clean but worth a read:

A seasoned police officer (also known as a vintage cop), agreed to babysit on his day off for his daughter's infant son while the couple went out to dinner. After they left, the little boy started crying and throwing a temper tantrum. Regardless of what he did, the baby would not go back to sleep, crying and throwing toys all over the place. So, he picked him up, wrapped him in a blanket, and carried him down to headquarters.

When the couple returned from dinner, they asked him how things went. To which he replied, "Well, I had to take him to the police station about an hour after you left."

In shock, his daughter asked, "Dad, what on earth made you do that?"

The officer replied, "Well, I really had no choice. I had to book him for resisting a rest."

 

[Locust Cutter]

That's actually pretty good... I like it!

 

[darkimpulse]

I haven't talked to my wife in 18 months, she gets really mad if I interrupt her.

 

[Locust Cutter]

You know what was more appealing to Michael Jackson than (8x) twenty-year olds?
(20x) Eight-year olds...

 

[fossil]

The barter system.

Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Beer Store in Lindsay.

I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.

She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her bra-less breasts almost falling out her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice.

“I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer ya got?"

 

[Wood Doctor]

The barter system.

Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Beer Store in Lindsay.

I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.

She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her bra-less breasts almost falling out her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice.

“I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer ya got?"

That's a 10!

 

[TJ the Chainsaw Mechanic]

 

[fossil]

Worth the time to watch it. A good laugh.

 

[Locust Cutter]

That's classic and referenced in my office often having both a Blake and an Aaron...

 

[concretegrazer]

 

[TJ the Chainsaw Mechanic]

 

[TJ the Chainsaw Mechanic]

when they said you could put blocks in it to lift it....that's not what they meant.

 

[Wood Doctor]

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest male organ she had thus far ever laid her hands on. I knew she was trying to give me a boost but regardless I said, "Give me a break, gal. You're pulling my leg."

 

[TJ the Chainsaw Mechanic]

 

[fossil]

A NEWFOUNDLAND LOVE POEM
(And who said Newfoundlanders weren't romantic?)

Of course I loves ya darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I says yer gorgeous
I means every single word

So yer arse is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab

So yer belly isn't flat no more
I tells ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round dere

I'm tellin ya da truth now
I never tells ya lies
I think its very sexy
Dat you've got dimples on yer thighs

I swear on me grannies grave
From the moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get.

No matter what you look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the hockey's on
And get me a nudder beer.