Tell me a joke.....

[Mastermind]

No but I would help him get down

 

[Wood Doctor]

A horse walked into my favorite bar today. The chief barmaid had knocked down a few beers earlier, but that never phased her. She walked up to the horse, looked the stallion straight in the eye and said, "Gee, fella, why the long face?"

 

[olympyk_999]

 

[ft. churchill]

So one night after Hillary got elected to the Presidency, she was sleeping in the White house bedroom when she was awoken by the ghost of George Washington. She asked George's ghost what she could do to be the best President ever. George's ghost says "Do not tell a lie." Hillary says "I dont know if I can do that." She fell back asleep and then she was awoken by Franklin D. Roosevelt's ghost. So again she asks FDR's ghost what she could do to be the best President. FDR's ghost told her to listen to what the people want. To which Hillary replied "I dont know if I can do that." Then Abe Lincoln's ghost appears. Once again Hillary inquires what she can do to be a good President. Abe's ghost told her to go see a play.

 

[Wood Doctor]

I'm a modest man, and when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick dirt bag."

 

[olympyk_999]

 

[RIDE-RED 350r]

Why don't chicken breasts have nipples???






















Because they would poke holes in the package if they got cold!

 

[fossil]

Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas,
asked the audience for complete silence.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once very few
seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands
together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the
quiet and said:

"Well, dumb ass, stop clapping”…..!

 

[fossil]

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.

They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?” She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one.”

St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Peggy sticks her ass in it."

 

[fossil]

Lubricant......

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!

'Ain't dat grand,' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet!'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had yourself another boy!'

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'

Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,

'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'

She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a f”” kin' good ting we didn't use WD-40.

 

[fossil]

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking..

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!

Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.

Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.

Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.

 

[fossil]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either!"

 

[bigbadbob]

Stihl dealer wanted $31 for each ring for a MS660!!! LOL
I thought it was a joke!!
I left!!!
BBB

 

[Greenthorn]

An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

 

[redtractor]

How do you know when a moth farts?

It flies straight.

 

[Wood Doctor]

A buddy of mine just told me that a hot number walked into his favorite bar and asked him for a party with her twin last night and that he agreed to have a ball with both of them. I said, "Sounds spectacular! But, may I ask, how on earth could you tell them apart?"

He said, "Real easy. Her brother's got a beard and mustache."

 

[sawmikaze]

My moms neighbor whos 11 : hey ryan why dont chinese people use phone books ?

Me : idk why

Him : theres too many wings and wongs and they might wing the wong number.

Not bad for a popsicle stick.

 

[Wood Doctor]

My moms neighbor whos 11 : hey ryan why dont chinese people use phone books ?
Me : idk why
Him : there's too many wings and wongs and they might wing the wong number.
Not bad for a popsicle stick.

This reminds me of what the Chinese prostitute decided to name her first baby: Wot Went Wong.

 

[junkman]

My Favourite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favourite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favourite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.


Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.


I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.


She sent me back to the principal's office.


He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.


I told her, "Colonel Sanders."


Guess where the f*** I am now...

 

[Gypo Logger]

When I was coming out of the bush last week I saw a wolf on the trail ahead licking his balls.
The woodtick who was packing my wedges and gas saw it too and said,"Boy, I wish I could do that!"
SoI said, "Don't you think you should pet him first??"