Tell me a joke.....

[T.Roller]

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico.Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots. Saudi Arabia is sending oil to replace what was lost. Other Latin American countries are sending supplies to replace what was lost. The European community is sending food to replace what was lost. The United States,not to be outdone,is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

We could only hope! Lol

 

[Wood Doctor]

Pinocchio and his girlfriend were having problems. Every time they would do their thing, she would complain about splinters on his organ, so Pinocchio went to Geppetto about the problem.

Geppetto told Pinocchio to go to the hardware store and buy some sandpaper to sand off the splinters before he had any sex with his girlfriend.

A week later, Geppetto asked Pinocchio, “So how’s it going with your girlfriend?”

Pinocchio said, “Who needs a girlfriend?”

 

[Wood Doctor]

A virile, young Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

 

[fossil]

Shirley & Marcy

A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.

So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the two kids walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy 's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?'

Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'

The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'

'That's just Shirley Goodnest, 'Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'

'Shirley Goodnest? Who is she and why is she following us?

'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, ' Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'

 

[Wolverine]

 

[Wolverine]

 

[Wood Doctor]

Mr. Smith's wife has been in a coma for four months. The nurses have come to realize that she moves every time they wash her crotch area. The doctors think hard about this. They bring in Mr. Smith and say, "We have a good idea. Perhaps if you practice oral sex with her, she will wake out of her coma. Can you give that a try?"

Mr. Smith would do anything for her, so he asks for some privacy. He soon rushes out saying, "I have good news. She seems to have regained conscience, but I think she's choking!"

 

[Wood Doctor]

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, although none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

 

[Wood Doctor]

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked," How long before I can get a hair cut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours". The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a hair cut, but never comes back."

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

 

[Wolverine]

 

[Wolverine]

 

[Wolverine]

 

[merc_man]

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked," How long before I can get a hair cut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours". The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a hair cut, but never comes back."

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

Already on here lol.

 

[rocketnorton]

diff between anal & oral thermometers?


















...the taste.

 

[ft. churchill]

How do ya know if your wife is dead? Well sex is pretty much the same and the dishes start pilin' up after a week.

 

[Wood Doctor]

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

And, I imagine that guys that drink lots of bottled beer and read jokes here can also be decapitated.

 

[Philbert]

(Although, the Lumberjack needs more PPE in 2016!)

Philbert

 

[angelo c]

"Fly Southwest Airlines"

The little boy had been looking out of the window.

He turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother couldn't think of an answer. She told her son to ask the flight attendant.

The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The boy replied, "Yes, she did."

"Well", said the flight attendant, "you tell your mother that there are no baby planes, because Southwest always pulls out on time.
Have your mother explain that to you."

 

[Wolverine]

 

[Wolverine]