Tell me a joke.....

[angelo c]

Frightening Statistic . . .


25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated...

 

[dall]

Frightening Statistic . . .


25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated...

very much the truth there

 

[Wood Doctor]

Speaking of which:
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” Her executioners throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

 

[Jwalker1911]

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter

 

[angelo c]

A son asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair."


Love the Dad's reply!

"Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"

 

[Wood Doctor]

A recent article in "The Dominion Post" reported that Nancy Pelosi has sued Wellington Hospital, claiming that after her husband had surgery there, "He lost all interest in sex."

A hospital spokesman replied, "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his vision so that he could see what he was getting into."

 

[Wolverine]

MasterMind Work Engines?
https://scontent.slackerc1-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/16996333_1559424210764541_3696544868203093967_n.jpg?oh=4cf5438d616f93446ff24f00dac56bcd&oe=592E31F5
@Mastermind LOL!

 

[dall]

MasterMind Work Engines?
https://scontent.slackerc1-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/16996333_1559424210764541_3696544868203093967_n.jpg?oh=4cf5438d616f93446ff24f00dac56bcd&oe=592E31F5
@Mastermind LOL!

lol looks like a ford

 

[old guy]

There is evidence it's a English car.

 

[S Sidwell]

Reversed photo, has hydraulic clutch what ever it is, Not a GM motor that for sure cause we don't use yellow intake runners.

Sent from my SM-G550T using Tapatalk

 

[Wood Doctor]

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship. Little Sally led off.
“I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”

“Very good”, said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next.
“I sold magazines” she said, “I made $45 , and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”

“Very good, Debbie”, said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk.

“$2,467,” he said.

“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”

“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.

“Toothbrushes,” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”

“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing, ‘Hey, this tastes like dog poop!’ I would say, ‘It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?’ So, I used the Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it’s free, and then making you pay through the nose to get the bad taste out of your mouth.”

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.

 

[USMC615]

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship. Little Sally led off.
“I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”

“Very good”, said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next.
“I sold magazines” she said, “I made $45 , and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”

“Very good, Debbie”, said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk.

“$2,467,” he said.

“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”

“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.

“Toothbrushes,” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”

“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing, ‘Hey, this tastes like dog poop!’ I would say, ‘It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?’ So, I used the Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it’s free, and then making you pay through the nose to get the bad taste out of your mouth.”

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.

Good one!!

 

[old guy]

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship. Little Sally led off.
“I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”

“Very good”, said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next.
“I sold magazines” she said, “I made $45 , and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”

“Very good, Debbie”, said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk.

“$2,467,” he said.

“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”

“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.

“Toothbrushes,” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”

“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing, ‘Hey, this tastes like dog poop!’ I would say, ‘It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?’ So, I used the Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it’s free, and then making you pay through the nose to get the bad taste out of your mouth.”

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.

I spit my pablum all over the first I heard that one.

 

[quietfly]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
”I think you're bad luck."

 

[Isaac]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
”I think you're bad luck."

Man, that's cold.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[dall]

Man, that's cold.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

sometimes its the truth lol

 

[angelo c]

A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after enjoying a day of golf.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open-mouthed, listening to the tirade.
"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a fire-trucking mess and the dishes are still in the sink. I’m completely exhausted! I didn’t get enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my fire-trucking pajamas? I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the *f-word did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid *a-hole!?"

“Because ...he’s thinking of getting married..."

 

[angelo c]

cute story....not the shortest but cute..

Three golfing partners [Gary, Jon and Craig] died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule:
Don't hit the ducks in your first three months here.
The men all have blank expressions, and finally Gary asks, "The ducks?"
"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he quacks then the one next to him quacks and soon they're all quacking to beat the band and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you'll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."
Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere.
Within fifteen minutes, Jon hits a duck. The duck quacked, the one next to it quacked and soon here was a deafening roar of duck quacks.
St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, "Who hit the duck?"
The guy who had done it, Jon, admitted, "I did."
St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed Jon's right hand to the homely woman's left hand.
"I told you not to hit the ducks,", he said. Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."
The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, Gary accidentally did.

The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman.
St. Peter cuffed Gary's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said; "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."
Craig was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of even nudging a duck.
After three months of this he still hadn't hit a duck.
St. Peter walked up to Craig at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman Craig had ever seen. St. Peter smiled at Craig and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
Craig, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and wondered aloud, "I wonder what I did to deserve this?
The woman responds, "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."

 

[quietfly]

 

[quietfly]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, I'm still lost....