No! What the hell have I done.

[StihlEchoingHusky]

Hello guys and gals! Well this is just down right embarrassing! Now that I have returned to earth, let me start out by saying this.

Hello my name is Cody. I am sorry for how I have acted on this site over the past week. Believe it or not, I've been 2 sheets to the wind for what my father says has been a month straight. I thought I only had a problem with drugs but I guess as I've recently discovered alcohol is a problem as well.

It started when I had to remove my father's dog off the street that we live on. It constantly has big rigs hauling hay,logs or corn and a whole lot of ass. I felt and still feel as if his death is because of me. Watching my father fall to his knees crying as I walked up the driveway with his dog in my arms, caused my mental state to completely change.

I have never seen that man shed a single tear! even with the medical problems he has that is grocery lists long. It was like a song set on repeat in my mind. It caused me to hit the bottle.

My last post that I made was the last night of this beinge drinking. That night my cat had passed away which made me drink even more. I completely blackout and apparently took the keys to my mother's car and drove it through our plastic fencing. Luckily that's where to car stopped and the ground right next to it is where I stopped.

To anyone that I may have frustrated with my ramblings I apologize. This isn't meant to be an excuse for my actions just an explanation. All I can do is say sorry. To anyone that my drunken ramblings made laugh I say, I'm glad to be of service

I've learned Mental health medication and alcohol don't mix. Or atlease for me they dont. After coming back to relativity. I walked out to my shop with my father following me. as soon as i open the door i notice something big and orange on my bench. I turned to my father and said, who's 372 is that? I thought someone dropped it off for me to repair or port. My father responded that's your saw. This pissed me off a little, I said why the hell did you get me a present! What the hell good have I done to deserve something like that? Apparently I've had it for 2 weeks.

I have been wanting a real one since I got that holzfforma version. I guess I got my wishSome of you helped me figure things out on it. I don't recall it but I thank you.

As I've gone back through all my posts trying to puzzle what had happened throughout this month. I noticed someone said I wanted to stir the pot or something!?!? as in cause drama amongst people on this site. I don't know if that is what I was trying to do. but I can tell you this that is not my intention.

To finish this post off, I hope that there is a way to hit reset within this community. I hadn't even planned on creating a account for a while. I guess shyness or something was holding me back. The things I said about my past like being anti social and the drug use is all true. From what I reread I didn't lie about anything.

Again I'm sorry.

 

[ammoaddict]

Recognizing you have a problem is the first step in correcting it. Everyone has issues and Everyone handles them differently. Years ago I handled mine the same as you. I discovered it was not a good solution. 19 years ago I was at my lowest, that's when I let God into my life. I haven't even craved a drink of alcohol since. I will pray for you. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk.

 

[bogieboy]

Man, first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem... i have struggled with various addictions in my life, not realizing how much of a mess i was making of my life... add me to the list of people if you need to talk...

Also, cant hurt to maybe find a 12 step group (Celebrate recovery, AA, etc)... i have been thru 2 12 step programs for my stuff, and i cant tell you how much they help... being able to talk about your "junk" woth other people who have similar "junk" and arent going to be judgemental at all is so freeing... and at the same time, gives you people to be accountable to, and who can check in on you to make sure youre doing ok... 4.5 years after i walked in the door to celebrate recovery i am still in a recovery group (currently a different group for sex addiction), partly because my brain needs the reminder that i am one step away from doing something stupid at any given point, and partly because there can be freedom, and you can grow and learn from your past, and help others to learn and grow as well.. you dont have to be stuck...

Also, i want to say it for you to read,

APPOLOGY ACCEPTED!

We say stupid things and do stupid things when we are in a trauma and grief stricken headspace... from the sounds of it with multiple family pets dieing recently, and if theres anything else going on in your life, theres plenty of trauma and grief... we also try and self medicate to make the pain of that trauma and grief go away... some use drugs or alchohol, some use food, some act out sexually, some harm themselves physically.... none of those really help to do anything but numb the pain for a few fleeting moments, and usually cause even more disasters later, wether in your life, or your family... i almost destroyed my marriage with my S.A. but by the grace of God i am working thru my past traumas, and healing my relationship with my wife....

 

[Sloughfoot]

Wish I could still binge drink. It was fun. Nowadays it's bedtime after a couple.

Hope this helps.

 

[hacskaroly]

Welcome to the forum, glad to have your voice and experience here! Good luck with the 372, I'm working on one right now too.

 

[StihlEchoingHusky]

I appreciate you all. I am glad that this drunk phase only lasted a month and didn't end with me dead in a crash or worse. If I would have killed someone during this I know for a fact the guilt of taking someones life would cause me to do something to myself.

The Thing that is weird to me is previously I couldn't stand alcohol. An occasional porter or stout was it. normally I would only consume half a bottle before my gut would turn inside out.

As I've previously stated in prior posts Ive got 10 years off of meth and heroin.the mixture of the 2 was my D.O.C which had lead me into the O.D.O.C (for those who don't know DOC =drug of choice,ODOC= oregon department of corrections) i successfully completed their intensive inpatient drug treatment.

My sobriety id kill for knowing ODOC would be in my future again if I used. I have the N.A logo tattooed on my arm. Yes I amit I thought about my clean date as part of that tattoo design until I realized it would be like getting a girlfriends name tattooed. There's no guarantee that it would stay that way.

I miss Oreo terribly. he was a little pure bread Sheltie who's beginning of life was with a family that is extremely into raising show dogs. Watching him go from the life of a show dog to being out in the country was amusing. He would trought/prance as he walked around. Natural instincts came out pretty quickly though. Any time our *s-word head goats were by the back fence he would run up to them trying to herd them. He would walk back and forth along that fence so much he carved a path in the grass

But the part of watching my dad fall to his knees over powered my weak resolve. I just wanted to forget about that so I turned to alcohol.

 

[greystone mountain man]

I appreciate you all. I am glad that this drunk phase only lasted a month and didn't end with me dead in a crash or worse. If I would have killed someone during this I know for a fact the guilt of taking someones life would cause me to do something to myself.

The Thing that is weird to me is previously I couldn't stand alcohol. An occasional porter or stout was it. normally I would only consume half a bottle before my gut would turn inside out.

As I've previously stated in prior posts Ive got 10 years off of meth and heroin.the mixture of the 2 was my D.O.C which had lead me into the O.D.O.C (for those who don't know DOC =drug of choice,ODOC= oregon department of corrections) i successfully completed their intensive inpatient drug treatment.

My sobriety id kill for knowing ODOC would be in my future again if I used. I have the N.A logo tattooed on my arm. Yes I amit I thought about my clean date as part of that tattoo design until I realized it would be like getting a girlfriends name tattooed. There's no guarantee that it would stay that way.

I miss Oreo terribly. he was a little pure bread Sheltie who's beginning of life was with a family that is extremely into raising show dogs. Watching him go from the life of a show dog to being out in the country was amusing. He would trought/prance as he walked around. Natural instincts came out pretty quickly though. Any time our *s-word head goats were by the back fence he would run up to them trying to herd them. He would walk back and forth along that fence so much he carved a path in the grass

But the part of watching my dad fall to his knees over powered my weak resolve. I just wanted to forget about that so I turned to alcohol.

I added you to my prayer list last night, good luck and don't ever give up.

 

[StihlEchoingHusky]

Man, first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem... i have struggled with various addictions in my life, not realizing how much of a mess i was making of my life... add me to the list of people if you need to talk...

Also, cant hurt to maybe find a 12 step group (Celebrate recovery, AA, etc)... i have been thru 2 12 step programs for my stuff, and i cant tell you how much they help... being able to talk about your "junk" woth other people who have similar "junk" and arent going to be judgemental at all is so freeing... and at the same time, gives you people to be accountable to, and who can check in on you to make sure youre doing ok... 4.5 years after i walked in the door to celebrate recovery i am still in a recovery group (currently a different group for sex addiction), partly because my brain needs the reminder that i am one step away from doing something stupid at any given point, and partly because there can be freedom, and you can grow and learn from your past, and help others to learn and grow as well.. you dont have to be stuck...

Also, i want to say it for you to read,

APPOLOGY ACCEPTED!

We say stupid things and do stupid things when we are in a trauma and grief stricken headspace... from the sounds of it with multiple family pets dieing recently, and if theres anything else going on in your life, theres plenty of trauma and grief... we also try and self medicate to make the pain of that trauma and grief go away... some use drugs or alchohol, some use food, some act out sexually, some harm themselves physically.... none of those really help to do anything but numb the pain for a few fleeting moments, and usually cause even more disasters later, wether in your life, or your family... i almost destroyed my marriage with my S.A. but by the grace of God i am working thru my past traumas, and healing my relationship with my wife....

In response to your 12 step program thing. I remember disliking N.A at first because I swear I thought people were talking about me. It took me a little bit to realize that I was being paranoid at first and the reality is, the life of an addict is all extremely similar. We all start out thinking we've got this. We tell ourselves I'll only use on weekends or its okay to get high or drunk once and a awhile. then it leads to using more frequently then stealing money or doing anything to get rid of the withdrawal. Once the withdrawals happen that's where we start to hit rock bottom and for a lot of us relationships are destroyed or jail becomes part of our life or a mixture of the two.

July 1st 2014 was my final day of getting high. I had previously "ran away" from my probation officer. I didn't show up to the appointment. (Hahaha I can't spell the word for that absconded I think??) Anyway I was so high and dehydrated I kept having seizures it wasn't until one of my family members discovered me having one right in front of them before 911 was called. When I was getting high I kept to myself so no clue how many seizures I actually had.

I do know this God definitely had other plans for me because the EMTs told me in the drive from my house to the hospital (30mins give or take depending on traffic) I had 15 back to back seizures. I was so dehydrated it took 6 bags of water on iv in the hospital before the nurses could take a blood sample.i was on drip iv when i arrived in the ambulance. They had said to me my blood would have compared to Smooth peanut butter. I surprisingly made a full recovery. Well!!! That's debatable. I'm able to move every part of my body. I'm pretty sure that It slightly fried my brain

I am still trying to figure out what those other plans are though. This wasn't the first time God saved me. Literally 3 weeks prior when I absconded I realized my life was doomed and I tried to free myself of this world. I took 2 handfuls of Xanax and fell into a coma where I had a out of body experience. This experience in bured into my retinas.

I felt myself leave my body on the bed. I turned around laying with my back against the ceiling looking down at myself. Then I flipped around and felt myself blasting off away from earth. It was like one of those cartoons where the character is in a rocket not strapped into their seats, then the rocket takes off and they go slamming back into the back half of the cockpit.

Well I was flying through space for what seemed like a few days and then all the sudden the eintre rocket shattered into thousands of pieces. It was that moment when I see the darkness of space light up and out of that light comes a massive brightly light hand with deep and sturn audible voice that said to me. It is not your time my son! The hand flicks me in the chest and I go flying back towards earth at unimaginable speed. I broke thought my roof and hit my still laying body and that is where I woke up standing up almost instantly then taking a shoulder and throwing it into floor. My addiction was still so strong because after waking up I thought to myself, I'm so tired I need some meth to wake up.

It's crazy that in addiction we can go through something like I did and completely disregard life just because we would rather get high. Needless to say these 2 incidents were my rock bottom.

Still to this day after 10 years I'm trying to figure out what all this means and what it's leading to. I'll be honest I am still confused about it.
I apologize for going into all that detail. I know this is a outdoor equipment related site and not a recovery site but maybe sharing my story is part of the plans.

 

[full chizel]

@Mastermind Randy can talk to you a lot about this. He speaks frequently about it.

 

[StihlEchoingHusky]

@Mastermind Randy can talk to you a lot about this. He speaks frequently about it.

Ahh masterminds name is Randy. I see from prior posts I made of complete ass of myself towards him as well

 

[Mastermind]

Ahh masterminds name is Randy. I see from prior posts I made of complete ass of myself towards him as well

Don't sweat the small stuff.

I'm a recovering addict myself. I get it. Now.....get your chit together !!!!

 

[ammoaddict]

In response to your 12 step program thing. I remember disliking N.A at first because I swear I thought people were talking about me. It took me a little bit to realize that I was being paranoid at first and the reality is, the life of an addict is all extremely similar. We all start out thinking we've got this. We tell ourselves I'll only use on weekends or its okay to get high or drunk once and a awhile. then it leads to using more frequently then stealing money or doing anything to get rid of the withdrawal. Once the withdrawals happen that's where we start to hit rock bottom and for a lot of us relationships are destroyed or jail becomes part of our life or a mixture of the two.

July 1st 2014 was my final day of getting high. I had previously "ran away" from my probation officer. I didn't show up to the appointment. (Hahaha I can't spell the word for that absconded I think??) Anyway I was so high and dehydrated I kept having seizures it wasn't until one of my family members discovered me having one right in front of them before 911 was called. When I was getting high I kept to myself so no clue how many seizures I actually had.

I do know this God definitely had other plans for me because the EMTs told me in the drive from my house to the hospital (30mins give or take depending on traffic) I had 15 back to back seizures. I was so dehydrated it took 6 bags of water on iv in the hospital before the nurses could take a blood sample.i was on drip iv when i arrived in the ambulance. They had said to me my blood would have compared to Smooth peanut butter. I surprisingly made a full recovery. Well!!! That's debatable. I'm able to move every part of my body. I'm pretty sure that It slightly fried my brain

I am still trying to figure out what those other plans are though. This wasn't the first time God saved me. Literally 3 weeks prior when I absconded I realized my life was doomed and I tried to free myself of this world. I took 2 handfuls of Xanax and fell into a coma where I had a out of body experience. This experience in bured into my retinas.

I felt myself leave my body on the bed. I turned around laying with my back against the ceiling looking down at myself. Then I flipped around and felt myself blasting off away from earth. It was like one of those cartoons where the character is in a rocket not strapped into their seats, then the rocket takes off and they go slamming back into the back half of the cockpit.

Well I was flying through space for what seemed like a few days and then all the sudden the eintre rocket shattered into thousands of pieces. It was that moment when I see the darkness of space light up and out of that light comes a massive brightly light hand with deep and sturn audible voice that said to me. It is not your time my son! The hand flicks me in the chest and I go flying back towards earth at unimaginable speed. I broke thought my roof and hit my still laying body and that is where I woke up standing up almost instantly then taking a shoulder and throwing it into floor. My addiction was still so strong because after waking up I thought to myself, I'm so tired I need some meth to wake up.

It's crazy that in addiction we can go through something like I did and completely disregard life just because we would rather get high. Needless to say these 2 incidents were my rock bottom.

Still to this day after 10 years I'm trying to figure out what all this means and what it's leading to. I'll be honest I am still confused about it.
I apologize for going into all that detail. I know this is a outdoor equipment related site and not a recovery site but maybe sharing my story is part of

If it helps you, share all you want

 

[bogieboy]

*snip

Still to this day after 10 years I'm trying to figure out what all this means and what it's leading to. I'll be honest I am still confused about it.
I apologize for going into all that detail. I know this is a outdoor equipment related site and not a recovery site but maybe sharing my story is part of the plans.

The fact that you are still here is a great testimony, and that could be why you are here still...

Dont ever appologise for sharing your testimony... you never know who is being put in your path that NEEDS to hear it... your story may be the tipping point for someone to seek out recovery instead of continuing down the dark path of addiction...

I am a multiple bilateral pulmonary embolism survivor, i have a blood disorder that causes clotting... i firmly believe God used these events to slap me upside the head.... first round was when i was 25 in 2013, second round was feb of 2020... both times i was pretty deep in my addiction, and both times the docs said theres no reason medically speaking why i should still be alive... 1/4 of my left lung and 1/3 of my right lung were solid clots... if qny of that broke loose for any reason, it would trigger a massive heart attack or a massive stroke... yet here i am... i firmly believe that my testimony is part of why i am still on this earth... live life so that each day you can add to your testimony in a good way (relapses suck, but do occasionally happen) and you will be living your life the way it was intended by God...

 

[pbillyi69]

I am a recovering addict and alcoholic myself. Life is as hard as we make it. Learning to accept ones self with all of their defects and strengths is no easy task for anyone especially those of us that have addictive personalities. Give yourself a break and take the next step toward helping yourself. I am willing to talk as well.

 

[Steve]

Hello guys and gals! Well this is just down right embarrassing! Now that I have returned to earth, let me start out by saying this.

Hello my name is Cody. I am sorry for how I have acted on this site over the past week. Believe it or not, I've been 2 sheets to the wind for what my father says has been a month straight. I thought I only had a problem with drugs but I guess as I've recently discovered alcohol is a problem as well.

It started when I had to remove my father's dog off the street that we live on. It constantly has big rigs hauling hay,logs or corn and a whole lot of ass. I felt and still feel as if his death is because of me. Watching my father fall to his knees crying as I walked up the driveway with his dog in my arms, caused my mental state to completely change.

I have never seen that man shed a single tear! even with the medical problems he has that is grocery lists long. It was like a song set on repeat in my mind. It caused me to hit the bottle.

My last post that I made was the last night of this beinge drinking. That night my cat had passed away which made me drink even more. I completely blackout and apparently took the keys to my mother's car and drove it through our plastic fencing. Luckily that's where to car stopped and the ground right next to it is where I stopped.

To anyone that I may have frustrated with my ramblings I apologize. This isn't meant to be an excuse for my actions just an explanation. All I can do is say sorry. To anyone that my drunken ramblings made laugh I say, I'm glad to be of service

I've learned Mental health medication and alcohol don't mix. Or atlease for me they dont. After coming back to relativity. I walked out to my shop with my father following me. as soon as i open the door i notice something big and orange on my bench. I turned to my father and said, who's 372 is that? I thought someone dropped it off for me to repair or port. My father responded that's your saw. This pissed me off a little, I said why the hell did you get me a present! What the hell good have I done to deserve something like that? Apparently I've had it for 2 weeks.

I have been wanting a real one since I got that holzfforma version. I guess I got my wishSome of you helped me figure things out on it. I don't recall it but I thank you.

As I've gone back through all my posts trying to puzzle what had happened throughout this month. I noticed someone said I wanted to stir the pot or something!?!? as in cause drama amongst people on this site. I don't know if that is what I was trying to do. but I can tell you this that is not my intention.

To finish this post off, I hope that there is a way to hit reset within this community. I hadn't even planned on creating a account for a while. I guess shyness or something was holding me back. The things I said about my past like being anti social and the drug use is all true. From what I reread I didn't lie about anything.

Again I'm sorry.

I was the one that called you out on your drama stuff. Stuff needs to be said and I said it. It's easy to make a conclusion about a keyboard behind a screen name when all you have is an 1/8th of the story.

I'm glad you have come forward and let everyone know what's going on. It will help you tremendously here but more importantly at home. Yourself more specifically. This is technically an outdoor power equipment forum but it really isn't. It's a family. You will get support here more than anywhere else on the Internet.


Stick around, just get through the day today. Tackle tomorrow, tomorrow.

 

[Mastermind]

I was the one that called you out on your drama stuff. Stuff needs to be said and I said it. It's easy to make a conclusion about a keyboard behind a screen name when all you have is an 1/8th of the story.

I'm glad you have come forward and let everyone know what's going on. It will help you tremendously here but more importantly at home. Yourself more specifically. This is technically an outdoor power equipment forum but it really isn't. It's a family. You will get support here more than anywhere else on the Internet.


Stick around, just get through the day today. Tackle tomorrow, tomorrow.

Well said.

 

[ammoaddict]

I was the one that called you out on your drama stuff. Stuff needs to be said and I said it. It's easy to make a conclusion about a keyboard behind a screen name when all you have is an 1/8th of the story.

I'm glad you have come forward and let everyone know what's going on. It will help you tremendously here but more importantly at home. Yourself more specifically. This is technically an outdoor power equipment forum but it really isn't. It's a family. You will get support here more than anywhere else on the Internet.


Stick around, just get through the day today. Tackle tomorrow, tomorrow.

Great advice brother.

 

[mainer_in_ak]

Don't sweat the small stuff.

I'm a recovering addict myself. I get it. Now.....get your chit together !!!!

Randy, step the fk back! I wanna be his internet therapist!


StihlEchoingHusqy,
Here goes:
#1: Stop doing fetynal + tranq. Stop smoking meth. Stop drinking. Please do continue to take any and all prescription drugs any shrink has prescribed you.
#2: Since you are so emotionally fking frail to share your entire life-failure story on a chainsaw forum, maybe take a break from working on saws.
#3 start small, like Lego sets and beatings.

if u do not follow these 3 simple steps, these will be the only ladies that will find you interesting (and I don't care):

 

[bretts]

If it helps you, share all you want

I'm interested in hearing his story, maybe he should write a book.

 

[StihlEchoingHusky]

I was the one that called you out on your drama stuff. Stuff needs to be said and I said it. It's easy to make a conclusion about a keyboard behind a screen name when all you have is an 1/8th of the story.

I'm glad you have come forward and let everyone know what's going on. It will help you tremendously here but more importantly at home. Yourself more specifically. This is technically an outdoor power equipment forum but it really isn't. It's a family. You will get support here more than anywhere else on the Internet.


Stick around, just get through the day today. Tackle tomorrow, tomorrow.

It was you!!! You caused me all the problems!!! I'm just joking. But on a real note keyboard warriors typically completely shatter and disappeared from a site when someone with the gonads stand up to their Idiocracy or they create a new account and username. It is only then that the keyboard warriors followers open their eyes and see that the person they have been admiring is actually some poor s.o.b that is mad at the world because their binky was taken from them. Or something along those lines the sad thing is those followers tend to admire the next dickhead that comes along.

I vaguely recall the things that I said. but people like yourself is what 98% of the Internet is missing. People take what they read off the Internet as gospel and without someone standing up a saying something has led to quite literal lives being destroyed. One of my close friends from when I was younger took her life because of ridicule from people on the Internet. I commend you for calling me on my *s-word.

As for the family thing, that is the main part of why I decided to join this site instead of others. Modifying/repairing outdoor equipment is new to me. And to find a group that's similar to my non blood related family but instead with everyone having the same interest in mechanical workings is reassuring.