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Tell me a joke.....

wildroamer

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When I first started hunting with my Dad, I picked up a handful of deer pellets and asked him what they were.

He said, "Smart pills."

So I chewed up 2 or 3, spit them out, and said, "These taste like *s-word!"

Dad said, "See how smart your getting?"
 

wildroamer

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Gay dude walks up to the meat counter and says, "Hey there! Can I get a stick of pepperoni please?"

Guy behind the counter asks, "You want that sliced?"

The dude whips around, pointing at his own ass and says,

"Does this look like a "PIGGY BANK?!?!"
 

ft. churchill

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So a very ugly female lawyer would walk to work by the same route everyday in the big city. One day a new pet shop had opened up along that route and the owner would put a large cage with a talking parrot out on the sidewalk to attract attention to the new business. As the attorney passed by the parrot went "Hey lady!" She stopped to listen to the parrot and the bird went "YOUR UGLY." The lawyer walked off in a huff, PO'd at the bird. The next day the same thing happened again, with the parrot telling her "YOUR UGLY" Well this female attorney marched into the store and demanded to to the owner. "Your parrot is making rude comments and disparaging remarks about my personal appearance." "I will not stand by and allow this to continue." "I have a documented case of ongoing harassment and if it is repeated one more time in the future, I will sue." "I am a partner with the most prestigious law firm in this city, and I will own your pet shop!" The pet shop owner said he was very sorry and that it would not happen again. He ensured her he would have a talk with that bird.
The very next day on her way to work, the parrot was out on the sidewalk in his cage, and says to the female lawyer "HEY LADY!" That was the finally straw for the lawyer, she whips out her Iphone 6 and puts it it on video record and says... "You were saying," to which the parrot replies, "you know!"
 

olympyk_999

there is no better mod than CANTGITRIGHT!
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So a very ugly female lawyer would walk to work by the same route everyday in the big city. One day a new pet shop had opened up along that route and the owner would put a large cage with a talking parrot out on the sidewalk to attract attention to the new business. As the attorney passed by the parrot went "Hey lady!" She stopped to listen to the parrot and the bird went "YOUR UGLY." The lawyer walked off in a huff, PO'd at the bird. The next day the same thing happened again, with the parrot telling her "YOUR UGLY" Well this female attorney marched into the store and demanded to to the owner. "Your parrot is making rude comments and disparaging remarks about my personal appearance." "I will not stand by and allow this to continue." "I have a documented case of ongoing harassment and if it is repeated one more time in the future, I will sue." "I am a partner with the most prestigious law firm in this city, and I will own your pet shop!" The pet shop owner said he was very sorry and that it would not happen again. He ensured her he would have a talk with that bird.
The very next day on her way to work, the parrot was out on the sidewalk in his cage, and says to the female lawyer "HEY LADY!" That was the finally straw for the lawyer, she whips out her Iphone 6 and puts it it on video record and says... "You were saying," to which the parrot replies, "you know!"
thanks...I think I you will be seeing parts of this around here shortly...o_O
 

Frank bierce

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Two blondes were driving down the road.

The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes. No.''
 

Butcher

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One day, a guy wakes up and discovers he has a great big boil on his butt so he makes an appointment to go to the doctor to get it taken care of. He walks in to the doctors office, the doctor takes one look at it and refers him to the emergency room.

The guy heads over to the emergency room and the surgeon looks at it and says "I can't help you, but I think I know someone who can" and he reaches in his desk and hands him a card that says "Puss Sucking Pete" with an address.

The guy, desperate to get this huge boil taken care of heads to the address on the card. He walks in the door and pete tells him to drop his pants. He does and Pete says, "I think I can help you". Pete drops to his knees and proceeds to start sucking the puss out of the huge boil.

The guy is so relieved that he lets out a giant fart. Pete stops sucking and looks up at him and says "It's guys like you that make this job disgusting!"
 

wildroamer

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A woman is worried because her little dog has started running into things in her apartment. She takes it to the vet, worried it might have had a stroke or something. After a thorough exam, the doctor says he has good news.

"Your dog is fine, it is simply that his hair has grown down in front of his eyes, blocking his vision. It's a common situation with this breed, and it is easily remedied with a depilatory solution that you can pick up from your own pharmacist.

She is thrilled with the news, and the next day she brings the prescription to be filled at her pharmacy. The pharmacist fills the prescription and then begins to explain how to mix the solution.

"If this is for your legs, mix 2 parts water to 1 part solution, and if this is for your arms, mix 3 parts water to 1 part solution."

"No," she says, "It's not that."

"Oh," he says. "Well, then if it's for your face you are going to want to use 5 parts water to 1 part solution."

"No, no, no," says the girl. "You don't understand. It's for my Schnauzer."

So the pharmacist says, "Ah, I see. Well in that case use it full strength, and don't ride a bike for a week."
 

olympyk_999

there is no better mod than CANTGITRIGHT!
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One day, a guy wakes up and discovers he has a great big boil on his butt so he makes an appointment to go to the doctor to get it taken care of. He walks in to the doctors office, the doctor takes one look at it and refers him to the emergency room.

The guy heads over to the emergency room and the surgeon looks at it and says "I can't help you, but I think I know someone who can" and he reaches in his desk and hands him a card that says "Puss Sucking Pete" with an address.

The guy, desperate to get this huge boil taken care of heads to the address on the card. He walks in the door and pete tells him to drop his pants. He does and Pete says, "I think I can help you". Pete drops to his knees and proceeds to start sucking the puss out of the huge boil.

The guy is so relieved that he lets out a giant fart. Pete stops sucking and looks up at him and says "It's guys like you that make this job disgusting!"
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