Tell me a joke.....

[Deets066]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the husband. “We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled."

My wife quietly said, ‘That’s once."

We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That’s twice."

We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife, a redhead, promptly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule.

I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, "That’s once.”

Nice

 

[angelo c]

This may also pertain to Florida since many people from NJ moved there.

How To Drive In Jersey ....

Seriously, there are only two things needed to drive effectively
in NJ: a horn and a middle finger. Everything else is superfluous,
including knowing where you are going.
For those of you who live in Jersey or have lived there, these
things may come as no surprise. For those who haven't traveled
there before, beware, be prepared and be afraid...be very afraid.

1. You must first learn to pronounce the big-city names, for
instance: it is Nork - rhymes with fork, not New-ark. Also,
Trenton is not pronounced Tren-ton, it is Tren-in.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5 a.m. to noon. The evening
rush hour is from noon to 7 p.m.. Friday's rush hour starts on
Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph.
On the parkway it's 105 or 110. Anything less is considered
"Sissy.." (just ask the former governor of NJ)

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has
its own version of traffic rules. For example, trucks with the
biggest tires go first at a four-way stop; cars/trucks with the
loudest mufflers go second; however, in Monmouth and
Burlington counties, SUV-driving, cellphone-talking moms
ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended,
cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never, ever, honk at anyone, unless you know you can
easily outrun them. Seriously. It's another offense that
get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of
Jersey. Detour barrels and arrows are moved around for
your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night
to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, dogs,
barrels, cones, Pennsy drivers, rubber-neckers, shredded tires,
cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and in summer, the
homeless feeding on any of these items. Also, look out for
D.O.T. road crews who are busy(?) turning pot holes into
speed bumps.

9. MapQuest does NOT work here - none of the roads are
where they say they are or go where they say they do and
all the Turnpike EZ Pass lanes are moved each night
(once again to make your ride more exciting).

10. If someone actually has their turn signal ON, wave them
to the shoulder immediately to let them know they have
accidentally activated it.

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 75 in a 55
mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be
"flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll
be shot.

12. Do not try to estimate travel time - just leave Monday
afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday
for Friday appointments, and right after church on Sunday
for anything on Monday morning.

13. “Yield” signs coming off a freeway actually mean:
"Speed up, Squeeze in, and Good luck”.

SAFE DRIVING ! ! !

 

[Deets066]

This may also pertain to Florida since many people from NJ moved there.

How To Drive In Jersey ....

Seriously, there are only two things needed to drive effectively
in NJ: a horn and a middle finger. Everything else is superfluous,
including knowing where you are going.
For those of you who live in Jersey or have lived there, these
things may come as no surprise. For those who haven't traveled
there before, beware, be prepared and be afraid...be very afraid.

1. You must first learn to pronounce the big-city names, for
instance: it is Nork - rhymes with fork, not New-ark. Also,
Trenton is not pronounced Tren-ton, it is Tren-in.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5 a.m. to noon. The evening
rush hour is from noon to 7 p.m.. Friday's rush hour starts on
Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph.
On the parkway it's 105 or 110. Anything less is considered
"Sissy.." (just ask the former governor of NJ)

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has
its own version of traffic rules. For example, trucks with the
biggest tires go first at a four-way stop; cars/trucks with the
loudest mufflers go second; however, in Monmouth and
Burlington counties, SUV-driving, cellphone-talking moms
ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended,
cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never, ever, honk at anyone, unless you know you can
easily outrun them. Seriously. It's another offense that
get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of
Jersey. Detour barrels and arrows are moved around for
your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night
to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, dogs,
barrels, cones, Pennsy drivers, rubber-neckers, shredded tires,
cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and in summer, the
homeless feeding on any of these items. Also, look out for
D.O.T. road crews who are busy(?) turning pot holes into
speed bumps.

9. MapQuest does NOT work here - none of the roads are
where they say they are or go where they say they do and
all the Turnpike EZ Pass lanes are moved each night
(once again to make your ride more exciting).

10. If someone actually has their turn signal ON, wave them
to the shoulder immediately to let them know they have
accidentally activated it.

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 75 in a 55
mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be
"flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll
be shot.

12. Do not try to estimate travel time - just leave Monday
afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday
for Friday appointments, and right after church on Sunday
for anything on Monday morning.

13. “Yield” signs coming off a freeway actually mean:
"Speed up, Squeeze in, and Good luck”.

SAFE DRIVING ! ! !

Sounds like Chicago too

 

[Wood Doctor]

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

John - Ahh... At last. I can hardly wait!
Jane - Do you want me to leave?
John - No! Don't even think about it.
Jane - Do you love me?
John - Of Course! Always have and always will.
Jane - Have you ever cheated on me?
John - No! Why are you even asking?
Jane - Will you kiss me?
John - Every chance I get!
Jane - Will you hit me?
John - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Jane - Can I trust you?
John - Yes.
Jane - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE:
Read all the lines from the bottom up. Gasp!

 

[Wood Doctor]

Three couples went in to see the minister about becoming new members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged, and the third couple was newly married. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.

The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

“Can of PAINT!?” exclaimed the minister.

“Yeah,” said the newlywed man. “She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.”

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

“That’s okay,” said the man. “We’re not welcome in Home Depot either.”

 

[angelo c]

Mathematics:
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. Experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly ..... Mathematical viewpoint.. And it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work andKnowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there.
Its the *B-S.... and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are.

 

[Locust Cutter]

That's GOLD!

 

[Philbert]

Check your calendar before ordering . . .



Philbert

 

[Wood Doctor]

A judge was interviewing a Georgia woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"

She replied, "I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."

The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music -- all that hip hop and rap trap -- but we can't seem to do anything about it."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."

The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?"

"Oh, shucks no, he's as white as you and me!"

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why on earth do you want a divorce?

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The crazy fool says he can't communicate with me."

 

[rogue60]

Not a joke but funny watching politically incorrect at it's best! lol

 

[Wood Doctor]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir, Five years ago after I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name and I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

 

[Wood Doctor]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a tablet computer and a new cell phone to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?''

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?''

The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name their big male Rottweiler Jesus."

 

[Wood Doctor]

The local sheriff of the county was looking for a new deputy when a shapely blonde walks in to try for the job. He asks her “Okay, what is 1 and 1?”

“Eleven,” she replies.

The sheriff thinks to himself, “That’s not what I wanted, but I guess she’s right. Hmm...”

“What two days of the week begin with the letter T?” he asks.

“Today and Tomorrow,” the blonde answers.

The sheriff is again surprised that the blonde has supplied a correct answer that had not even occurred to him. He thinks again.

“Now listen carefully, who killed Abe Lincoln?” he asks her.

The blonde looks a little surprised. She thinks really hard for a minute and finally shakes her head and admits, “I don’t know.”

“Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while? Can you do that for me?”

So, the blonde wanders over to the beauty parlor, where her pals have been waiting patiently to hear the results of the interview.

The blonde was exultant. “The interview went great!” she says. “First day on the job and I’m already working on a murder case!”

 

[angelo c]

Guts vs Balls:

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls.
Do they however, know the difference between them?

Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere? "

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby".

I trust this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.

 

[angelo c]

NEW UNITED AIRLINES MOTTOES:

“Not enough seating, prepare for a beating”

“Drag and Drop”

“We put the hospital in hospitality”

“Board as a doctor, leave as a patient”

“Our prices can’t be beaten, but our passengers can”

“We have First Class, Business Class and No Class”

“We treat you like we treat your luggage”

"We beat the customer. Not the competition”

“And you thought leg room was an issue”

“Where voluntary is mandatory”

“Fight or flight. We decide”

“Now offering one free carry off”

“Beating random customers since 2017”

“If our staff needs a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet”

“A bloody good airline”

 

[drf256]

Guy walks into a bar, tender asks why the long face?

Guy reaches into his bag, pulls out a miniature piano. Places it on the bar and then pulls out a tiny man and places him at the piano. The mini man starts playing Mozart.

The tender exclaims, that's great! Why are you upset?

The patron shakes his head, pulls an old rusty decrepid lamp and tells the bar tender to rub the lamp.

He does so and out slithers an old Genie who coughs out dust. He says, your wish is my command master.

The bartender states, I want a million bucks.

The genie slithers back in the lamp and suddenly a duck appears on the bar and starts quacking. Before he knows it, the entire bar is filled with ducks.

The tender screams at the lamp "I asked for a million buck, not a million DUCKS!"

The patron looks at him and asks, "DO YOU REALLY THINK I ASKED FOR A TEN INCH PIANIST?"

 

[Wood Doctor]

A classy barmaid told me this one yesterday:

The other night, I was invited out for a night with “the girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. “I promise,” were my last words.

The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around 3 a.m. we piled into a cab and headed to our respective homes, quite inebriated.

Just as I walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times! Realizing that my husband would probably wake up to this, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was quit pleased with myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution to cover up my tardiness. Even with my impaired judgment, I could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos!

The next morning my husband, a logger who runs his own company, asked me what time I got in, and confidently, I replied, “Midnight…like I promised.” He didn’t even raise an eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper! Phew! Got away with that one!

After a moment, he casually replied, “I think we might need a new cuckoo clock.”

A bit nervously, I asked him why, to which he responded:

“Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, ‘Oh, crap,’ cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”

 

[Motorhead]

Farted on the bus and 4 people turned around,I felt like I was on the voice

 

[dall]

Did you know that 6 to 8 beers a day can reduce your risk of giving a $&it

i don't need a beer for that *s-word

 

[Motorhead]

Why are hillbilly murder cases the hardest to solve? Because all the DNA matches and there are no dental records.