Tell me a joke.....

[Derf]

PUNS:

An Augustinian monk and a Franciscan Friar decided to go into business together. They set up a Fish and Chips Stand outside the Castle Gate. To avoid confusion they decided to divide their labors; but even so, people were always confusing the fish friar with the chip monk.

How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.

How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path.

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long? Polaroid's

What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work? A Stick.

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.

What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko.

What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.

What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire? Frostbite.

What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.

Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.

Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares the crap out of their Dog.

What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.

What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse."But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

[Derf]

New Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs. She decides to take the escalator to the next floor.

On the second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. Curious to see what the next floor offered, she decided to continue on.

On the third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a new wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

No-one knows what the third through sixth floors have because they have never been visited.

 

[Derf]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the
criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would take the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. So, would you
like a bed near the window?"

 

[Derf]

A corporate lawyer from Chicago runs a stop sign in a small town in Kentucky and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than this hick town deputy because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "Y'all didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop, license and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, y'all have to come to complete stop, that's the law, license and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do y'all want me to stop or just slow down?"

 

[Derf]

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the preacher knocked several times. Finally, the preacher took out his card, wrote out "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door.

Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me. - Revelation 3:20

The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the preacher's message was written the following notation:

I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself. - Genesis 3:10

 

[angelo c]

The horse and the chicken were friends.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.


Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!


Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.


Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.


Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.


After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.


The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!


The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.


The moral of the story? (yep, you betchya, there IS a moral!)


"WHEN YOU’RE HUNG LIKE A HORSE, YOU DON’T NEED A HARLEY TO PICK UP CHICKS

 

[rocketnorton]

her: "who ya gonna please with that?"
him: "me"

 

[Motorhead]

 

[Deets066]

View attachment 97356

At least they arent size 50

Maybe he's just showing off

 

[Motorhead]

 

[Motorhead]

 

[Wood Doctor]

John, a well-to-do bachelor, invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the meal, Mom couldn’t help notice how attractive and shapely the house keeper was, and wondered if there was more going on than meets the eye.

John sensing what his mother was thinking said to her “I know what you’re thinking, Mom, but I assure you my relationship with the house keeper is purely professional.”

A week later, the house keeper told John that ever since his mother’s visit a silver gravy ladle has been missing. John sent his mother a note which said, “Mom, I’m not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I’m not saying you didn’t, but the fact remains one has been missing since you were here”.

A few days later he receives a note from his mother. “John: I’m not saying you sleep with your house keeper, nor am I saying you’re not. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom”.

 

[ajschainsaws]

 

[ajschainsaws]

 

[Motorhead]

 

[Motorhead]

 

[Derf]

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbors house.
Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?"

"Yep."

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

 

[Philbert]

Philbert

 

[Philbert]

Philbert

 

[S Sidwell]

Where's the rest of the sales paper, might want to order something from them.

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