Tell me a joke.....

[Philbert]

'e'-clips. Everyone is talking about them. Had a few, so uploading a photo. Enjoy!



Philbert

 

[Wood Doctor]

The big ox was thirsty and looked down the valley at the water hole. A zebra and a gazelle were already drinking there, so he lumbered on down to join them.

When he got there, he couldn't think of anything else to say so he asked, "What's gnu?"

 

[S Sidwell]

'e'-clips. Everyone is talking about them. Had a few, so uploading a photo. Enjoy!

View attachment 84335

Philbert

Put three together and you got an eclip spinner.

Steve, Samsung On5 using Tapatalk

 

[RoyM]

The family was sitting down to dinner, as soon as Johnny's plate was served he began to eat. "Johnny" his mother admonished "You know to wait until grace has been said".
"I don't have to" the little boy replied.
"Yes you do, just like at home."
"Well, that's at home but this is grandma's house and she can cook".

 

[Wood Doctor]

The other day, LOML said, "Edwin, you really amaze me at your ability to fix, tune up, and restore small engines, especially chain saw engines. You must be able to manipulate small mechanical parts with your hands and fingers very well."

I was floored that she said this. Not knowing exactly how to respond, I replied, "Well I guess guys that can do this must have pretty fine motor skills."

 

[Wood Doctor]

The family was sitting down to dinner, as soon as Johnny's plate was served he began to eat. "Johnny" his mother admonished "You know to wait until grace has been said".
"I don't have to" the little boy replied.
"Yes you do, just like at home."
"Well, that's at home but this is grandma's house and she can cook".

The president of a calendar printing company noticed a sharp drop off in sales. So, he hired a marketing research company to conduct a study to find out why.

The research analyst reported back, "After extensive study we have concluded that people are no longer buying printed calendars and hanging them up on the wall. Wrist watch sales have even dropped off. Instead, people are buying cell phones and tablets."

At the next board meeting the president announced, "Well folks, I have no choice but to conclude that our days are numbered."

 

[Wood Doctor]

For those of my generation who simply do not, and cannot, comprehend why Facebook exists: I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I’m doing now, what I will be doing later and with whom, and where I’m going next… and ask them to follow me along and watch me be important.

Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, washing the car, driving around town, eating lunch, getting a haircut, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them and will be friends with them. It all works just like Facebook…. only I do it face to face… not on a little glass screen, and I try to make good eye-to-eye contact when I speak.

I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.

 

[Wood Doctor]

Having taught college statistics for years, I thought you might like this one:

The night before the final exam, two students tied one on, (well, actually, tied two on, one each), and managed to sleep through the final. They realized they were in serious trouble, so they agreed to tell the professor that they had a flat tire on the way to the exam.

“No problem.” said the Professor, “Come by my office at 5 P.M. and I’ll give you the exam then.”

Feeling pretty clever, the students spent the intervening time getting information on the exam from students who had already taken it, and making sure they knew how to do the problems. Coming to the professor’s office that evening, they were told, “Leave your books in my office, and I’ll put you in two separate rooms for the exam.”

They were both ecstatic to see that the Professor had given them the exact same exam taken by the class that morning. However, there was an additional page tacked on the end, upon which was written, “For 50% of the grade, which tire went flat?”

 

[angelo c]

Subject: Walmart Greeter (Humor)



So after landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.


About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.


I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’


The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”


So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, ma’am. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart.”


My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

 

[Deets066]

Subject: Walmart Greeter (Humor)



So after landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.


About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.


I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’


The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”


So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, ma’am. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart.”


My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

I like it, and may use that one. Lol

 

[merc_man]

I like it, and may use that one. Lol

I think that is acually a true thing that happened.

Sent from my SM-J320W8 using Tapatalk

 

[Deets066]

I think that is acually a true thing that happened.

Sent from my SM-J320W8 using Tapatalk

Either way, it's funny

 

[Wood Doctor]

This may have been around a bit, but it's always a good read. Enjoy!

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome and didn’t really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.” I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[angelo c]

Either way, it's funny

It's Wal-Mart....anything can happen at a Wal-Mart...

 

[angelo c]

AN IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON


I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink.


Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.


I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it so I drank it.


Then I got him an Old Style. He didn't like it either, so I drank it.


It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.


By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . .


I could hardly push the stroller back home.

 

[Frank bierce]

 

[Wood Doctor]

A couple of seniors were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go see Dr. Steinberg for a new set of dentures the next morning. His buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.

"Is that so?" asked the first guy. "Did he do a good job?"

The second oldster replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 160 mph when it slammed me right in the testicles."

His buddy was confused and asked, "What the heck does that have to do with your dentures?"

"It was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

 

[Motorhead]

 

[Motorhead]

 

[Motorhead]