Tell me a joke.....

[Wood Doctor]

View attachment 130490

Next time finish the 15 beers at midnight rather than wait until 3:00 am.

 

[Wood Doctor]

Two cowboys were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one, said the other cowboy. "What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.' "

"Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

 

[ajschainsaws]

 

[ajschainsaws]

 

[Wood Doctor]

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

 

[Motorhead]

 

[Motorhead]

 

[Wood Doctor]

I was sipping a cold beer at a local pub when a friend walked up and said, "Edwin, I'm really worried about Randy. That guy has no brains at all and no education. He knocks down 15 beers a day like they were water, chain smokes cigarettes, and then finishes his day off with a bunch of doobies. He's so stupid that he can't even say a sentence, drunk or sober."

I said, "He can't even say a sentence? Let me see about that."

I walked down to the end of the bar where Randy was polishing off what I think was his last beer for the day. I said, "Randy, the guys are really worried about you. They say you're so dumb that you can't even say a sentence. Please say a sentence for me and show me that they are wrong."

Randy thought for a moment, shook his head, and replied, "What ya mean?"

 

[Motorhead]

 

[Motorhead]

 

[Motorhead]

 

[merc_man]

Sent from my SM-J320W8 using Tapatalk

 

[jakethesnake]

The flat brim doesn’t bother me as bad as leaving the damn sticker on it.

 

[nickw]

The flat brim doesn’t bother me as bad as leaving the damn sticker on it.

The only reason for a sticker on your cap is to bother the general public. Drives em nuts. Gotta love it

 

[p61 western]

The only reason for a sticker on your cap is to bother the general public. Drives em nuts. Gotta love it

Pics of you with your flat brim and sticker plus gfy.

 

[Wood Doctor]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful blonde woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, “Business trip or vacation?”

She turned, smiled, and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago.”

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really,” he smiled. “What myths are those?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that the French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have found that the best potential lovers in all categories is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I really shouldn’t be discussing this with you; I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto”, the man said. “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”

 

[Motorhead]

 

[Wood Doctor]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched -- with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but I go fishing on Fridays."

 

[treesmith]

man overheard talking to his mate in the pub...

..."so, yeah, complete waste of time, I had a vasectomy thinking the wife would stop getting pregnant but all it did was change the babies skin colour....."

 

[ajschainsaws]