Tell me a joke.....

[Wood Doctor]

A man owned a small farm in Iowa. The Iowa Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well, there are my hired hands. One has been with me for four years; the other for three. I pay them each $600 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He takes home $10 a week and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every week," replied the farmer.

"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," said the agent.

The farmer replied, "You're talking to him."

 

[treesmith]

Job interviewer: "think of the people you've worked with, now, what would they say is your biggest flaw?"

Applicant: "that I'm too honest"

Interviewer: "Well, that's very odd, I don't think being honest can be considered a flaw at all"

Applicant: "I couldn't give a *f-word what you think"

 

[Wood Doctor]

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray...God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays.

"My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself...

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this... First, buy a ticket... "

 

[treesmith]

Oh that made my day

 

[treesmith]

How do you dismantle a husky?


Run it


Ok, I'm going now...

 

[Wood Doctor]

How do you dismantle a husky?

Run it.

Ok, I'm going now...

But, what if it fails it start and run? I have a Husky 350 in that condition with a new top end. Last time I talked to this power head, it said, "Sell me for parts. I need another victim."

 

[treesmith]

How do you dismantle a husky?


Run it in hardwood


Ok, I'm going now...

Fixed for accuracy

 

[Motorhead]

 

[treesmith]

How do you make a cat go woof?

Petrol and a match

 

[treesmith]

I'd like to die peacefully in my sleep like my Uncle...


Not screaming like the passengers on his bus

 

[Motorhead]

 

[treesmith]

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde were driving through desert in a jeep when it breaks down, they decide to leave the jeep and continue on foot. The redhead takes an umbrella, the brunette takes a few bottles of Mum in an ice cooler, and the blonde takes the door off the jeep.

They walk for a while and come across a band of local cameleers, they agree to take them to town.

"First though, what are these things you carry?" Asked a local

"Well, I carry the umbrella to give me shade from the sun" said Red

"Oh, wise indeed" came the reply

"And I brought the champagne as it's so nice to have a cool refreshing drink"

"Oh, wise indeed. And you" he said, looking at the blonde

"Well", she said, "we lost the air con when the jeep broke down and it's really hot but at least I can still open the window..."

 

[treesmith]

Blonde girl with dyed hair took a walk on a country holiday and came across a shepherd with a flock of lambs

"Ooh, I'd love a little lambikins" she cried, "could I possibly, could I?"

The shepherd stood watching her jiggle around excitedly for a second, scratched his chin and said "I tell you what, if you can guess how many there are in this here flock, well, then you can have one"

"Um, er, one forty eight?" She stuttered

"Wow, missy, that's exactly right, here pick any lamb you wish" He said in stunned amazement

"Oh, thank you very much, I really like this one" she said, picking one up

"Just one question before you go, miss" the shepherd called as she hugged her prize

"If I can guess the true colour of your hair, can I get my dog back?"

 

[treesmith]

Mother superior is driving down the road late one night with young sister Mary when an evil looking vampire lands on the bonnet, hissing at them nastily

"Quick, Sister Mary" cries Mother Superior, "you must show him your cross"

A bit taken aback, Mary looks unsure so mother superior continues " quick, no time to waste, your cross, show him your cross"

"Ok, if you think it will work" said Mary, winding down her window and leaning out

"Oi, dickhead!! Get the *f-word off our car!!!"

 

[treesmith]

Mary had a little lamb
which you will see no more
For what it thought was H2O
Was H2SO4

 

[treesmith]

Mary had little lamb
She tied it to a pylon
10,000 bolts went up its bum
And turned its wool to nylon

 

[Derf]

 

[Wood Doctor]

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy for our files."

 

[ajschainsaws]

 

[ajschainsaws]