Tell me a joke.....

[Wood Doctor]

Three men are killed in a car accident on Christmas Eve. At the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them their day hadn't come and it was a mistake. Normally, too bad but because it's Christmas and they will turn back the clock if they can produce something symbolic of the season.

The first man reaches into his pocket to produce a lighter, which he strikes into a flame. "It's a votive candle." St. Peter nods, and the man is returned to the living.

The second man struggles through his pockets, finally producing his key chain. He shakes it. "Jingle Bells," he says. St. Peter nods, and the man is returned to the living.

All the while the third man has been trying to come up with something. He's been through his pockets three times. Then an idea strikes him. He pulls out a pair of panties and waves them in front of St. Peter. "What is that supposed to be?" asks St. Peter.

"These are Carol's." St. Peter nods.

 

[Philbert]

Philbert

 

[Wood Doctor]

A blonde was caught stowing away on a boat. The first mate asked what she thought she was doing there.

She replied, "I already met your boss, the Captain, and he promised if I did something special for him every day, he would take me to France. It has been 22 days, so by now we should be close and there is nothing you can do."

First made then said, "Lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry."

 

[Wood Doctor]

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"

The woman replies, "I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I’ve never heard of that before. What are you doing for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Sniffing Black Pepper."

 

[redneckhillbilly]

its so cold outside politicians have there hands in their own pockets

 

[Wood Doctor]

On Thursday, Harvey forgot his wife's birthday.

She told him that tomorrow morning there had better be a present in the driveway for her that can do 0 to 200 in 6 sec or less.

The next morning she got up and found a nicely wrapped box in the driveway. She ran out and opened it. Inside was a nice, new, digital bathroom scale.

Harvey has not been seen since Friday. Please pray for him.

 

[Philbert]

Philbert

 

[fossil]

 

[fossil]

 

[Wood Doctor]

A country girl is visiting her city girl friend. They are invited to a dance party, but the country girl is worried that she won't know what to say around the city folks. The city girl tells her to just repeat everything she hears her say as closely as possible.

They go to the party and everything is going fine when a city boy walks up to the city girl and asked her to dance, to which the city girl responds, "No thank you, I'm contemplating matrimony and prefer to sit." The young man turns to the country girl also asking her to dance, to which the country girl says, "No thank you, I'm constipated on macaroni and prefer to sh_t!"

 

[fossil]

 

[Wood Doctor]

 

[ammoaddict]

There are 3 signs of getting old.
#1 is losing your memory.
I can't remember the other 2.

 

[Wood Doctor]

There are 3 signs of getting old.
#1 is losing your memory.
I can't remember the other 2.

(1) the knees get weak.
(2) the third leg gets weak.

 

[stretch5881]

(1) the knees get weak.
(2) the third leg gets weak.

Cabbage Disease. When the stem is too weak to hold up the head.

 

[Philbert]

Philbert

 

[Wood Doctor]

So many pickle ball players are playing with their cell phone in one hand and their paddle in the other that I suggest they change the name of the game to "Pickle Cell."

LOML told me today that nowadays cell phones are to adults as security blankets are to infants and toddlers.

 

[Philbert]

Philbert

 

[Partner]

what to weld ;-) quick disassembly of the piston

 

[fossil]

For us old guys