Tell me a joke.....

[Stihl036]

So this holocaust survivor dies of old age and goes to heaven.

He meets God and tells God a holocaust joke.

God says: That’s not funny.

The holocaust survivor says: I guess you had to be there.

 

[Philbert]

Philbert

 

[Philbert]

If you are interested in this kind of thing . . .

Happy Thanksgiving!


Philbert

 

[redneckhillbilly]

my grandpa told me this joke when I was 12-13, i got in trouble from my school teacher when I said it in class.

grandpa: do you like to fish?
me: of course I do
grandpa: you ever fished a virgin lake?
me: no I havent?
grandpa: do you know what a virgin lake is?
me: never heard of one
grandpa: its a lake where no woman has ever swam and the fish still taste like chicken.

 

[fossil]

 

[redneckhillbilly]

my family was soo poor when I was a kid, my mom would cut holes in my pants pockets so I had something to play with.

 

[Philbert]

Philbert

 

[fossil]

 

[fossil]

 

[fossil]

This one is so true.

 

[afleetcommand]

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

 

[afleetcommand]

From "Thumpertalk"


"A Chinese doctor can't find a job in an America, so he opens his own clinic...

Six months later, a lawyer walks by the clinic and notices there's a sign outside that says "TREATMENT COST $20, IF WE CAN'T CURE YOU GET $100 BACK." The lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. The doctor comes right up to him as he enters.

Doctor: "What seem to be problem?"

Lawyer: "I've lost my sense of taste."

Doctor: "Nurse, please bring medicine from Box 14 and put three drops on his tongue."

She fetches the medicine and walks over to the lawyer.

Nurse: "Open your mouth nice and wide for me sir."

When the drops of medicine hit his tongue, the lawyer coughs and sputters.

Lawyer: "That's not medicine, it's kerosene!"

Doctor: "Congrats, your taste restored. $20 please."

Annoyed, the lawyer pays the doctor $20 and then leaves. Still determined to get the $100, he comes back a few days later and the doctor immediately recognizes him.

Doctor: "Back again?"

Lawyer: "I'm sorry, have we met before? You see, I've lost my memory."

Doctor: "Nurse, please bring medicine from Box 14 and put three drops on his tongue."

Nurse: "Open wide and say ahh for me."

When the drops of medicine hit his tongue, the lawyer coughs and sputters.

Lawyer: "More kerosene? You gave me this last time for restoring my taste."

Doctor: "Congrats, your memory back. $20 please."

Fuming, the lawyer pays the doctor $20, and then leaves. More determined than ever, the lawyer waits a whole week this time before returning. The doctor recognizes him again.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak. I think I'm going blind."

Doctor: "Sadly, I have no medicine for that, so I give you $100."

The lawyer stares at the note.

Lawyer: "But this is $20, not $100!”

Doctor: "Congrats, your eyesight restored. $20 please."

 

[jakethesnake]

Those were both pretty good lol.

 

[Philbert]

Philbert

 

[Wood Doctor]

Ain't it the truth?

 

[fossil]

 

[NZsaws]

Sue's husband passed away and was taken to the undertaker.
She arrived later and handed over a brown suit to the receptionist and said this is his favorite suit please have him prepared for the ceremony wearing this.
Soon after Betty who's husband had also passed away arrived arrived with a blue suit and requested that she wanted him prepared with his favorite blue suit for his final harrrah.
Once the body's were prepared both wives were notified and arrived at the same time and were shown to seperate room with the coffins open for inspection.
Apon viewing their sposes both Sue and Betty rushed out to the receptionist saying their husband's were dressed in the wrong color suit betty wanted blue and had brown, Sue had Blue wanted black. The receptionist wheeled both coffins out the back to get the problem sorted.
About 10 minutes later the directed wheeled the coffins back to their rooms. Each corpse wearing the correct suit.
Once Sue and Betty had left, the receptionist commented to the Director how he had done such a quick job redressing each corpse.
The director replied, " it was easy I just swapped heads !

 

[Wood Doctor]

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police asked him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

 

[Agent Smith]

If black birds have black babies and blue birds have blue babies, what bird has no babies?... a swallow

 

[Wood Doctor]

If black birds have black babies and blue birds have blue babies, what bird has no babies?... a swallow

No birds or perhaps all birds? Female birds lay eggs as I recall. Of course, I could be wrong.