High Quality Chainsaw Bars Husqvarna Toys

Tell me a joke.....

Gullet

Here For The Long Haul!
Local time
7:25 PM
User ID
16836
Joined
Jun 17, 2021
Messages
2,154
Reaction score
11,016
Location
Arkansas
Country flag
I haven't been a horse in 30 years...

I had a chance this weekend, so I mounted up!

Once in the saddle, the horse took off trotting pretty good, no problem, then it decided it wanted to stretch it's legs!

In FULL GALLOP I could feel the saddle sliding to the side of the animal...
Slowly it got worse until I was on the side of the horse & I finally fell off to the side @ full gallop!

My foot was caught in the stirrup when I hit the ground.
I took a BEATING on the ground, my head just bouncing off everything on the ground with each stride!

I was praying for help @ that point, when I see someone's arm come into view to help me!

Turns out, it was the manager of the grocery store, & if he hadn't unplugged that damn thing I prolly wouldn't be here to describe my near death experience!
 

Wood Doctor

Edwin
Local time
7:25 PM
User ID
846
Joined
Feb 9, 2016
Messages
2,399
Reaction score
8,360
Location
Omaha, Nebraska
Country flag
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well', said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
 

fossil

Pinnacle OPE Member
Local time
8:25 PM
User ID
374
Joined
Jan 1, 2016
Messages
1,736
Reaction score
7,589
Location
Ontario, Canada
Country flag
HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you *s-wordting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

These are from a book called “Disorder in the Courts
 

Wood Doctor

Edwin
Local time
7:25 PM
User ID
846
Joined
Feb 9, 2016
Messages
2,399
Reaction score
8,360
Location
Omaha, Nebraska
Country flag
1457110259069-c15.jpg
 
Top