Tell me a joke.....

[Wood Doctor]

 

[fossil]

 

[Wood Doctor]

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint?

Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time I severely twist my knee like I did last spring, take me to a vet!

 

[CrystalRiver1]

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies.”
So I did.
—Steven Wright

 

[Wood Doctor]

Group Therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Beth, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. I'm running late and we need to pick up Peter and Willie from school.”

 

[fossil]

 

[Mastermind]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
---------------------------------
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son John
---------------------------------
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.

 

[CrystalRiver1]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
---------------------------------
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son John
---------------------------------
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.

Hmm...that will make one a heck of a sermon illustration about Father & sons! Thanks!!

 

[merc_man]

Sent from my SM-G950W using Tapatalk

 

[Championlurcher]

Paddy and merphy worked in a saw Mill one day paddy was working and cut of a finger he picked it up wrapped it in a plastic bag and went to hospital well 3 week latter paddy is back finger all ok etc and said to Murphy look finger is good and I got 7k comp money blood hell said Murphy wonder what I get if I cut my arm of so no1 about zzziiiinnngggg of with his arm pits in in a plastic bag ties a knot in the bag of down hospital 4 week latter Murphy is back to work are good as new look paddy I got 15k comp money blood hell said paddy wonder what I get if I cut my leg of so no body about zzziiiinnngggg of comes his leg throw s it in a plastic bag ties a knot in it and hops of to hospital 7 week latter he back at work look Murphy leg good as gold I got 35k comp money bloody hell said Murphy wonder what I get if I cut my head of so no body about zzziiiinnngggg of with his head throws it in plastic bag ties a knot in it if to hospital he go well 8 week latter still no Murphy 9 week 10 week still no Murphy so paddy go in site office ask where's Murphy foreman said I'm very sorry paddy Murphy has died how did he die asked paddy foreman said was tragic he suffocated on way to hospital.

 

[CrystalRiver1]

Someone asked, Did you sleep well? I said no, I made a couple of mistakes.

 

[fossil]

Merry Christmas fellow Joksters!

Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine.

They say we can have gatherings with up to eight people without issues. I don't even know eight people without issues.

Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a roller coaster going 70 mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.

Someone posted that they had just made synonym buns. I replied, "you mean just like the ones that grammar used to make?" I am now blocked.

Dear paranoid people, who check behind their shower curtains for murderers ... if you do find one, what's your plan?

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the ark.

Facial recognition software can pick a person out of a crowd but the vending machine at work can't recognize a dollar bill with a bent corner.
When all this pandemic stuff is over, I still plan to wear a mask. It hides the perpetual look of annoyance I have for most people.

I never make the same mistake twice. I do it like, five or six times, you know, to make sure.

Someone just honked to get me out of my parking space faster, so now I just have to sit here until both of us are dead.

My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors.

If you see someone buying candy, popcorn, and a soda at the movies, they must be a drug dealer. There's no other explanation for that type of income.

After a year of this pandemic, I'm either going out for ice cream or to commit a felony. I'll decide in the car.

I know it's time to clean out my purse when my car assumes it's an extra passenger who isn't wearing a seat belt.

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body will get rid of cellulite. Apparently, you can't do this in Starbucks. And now the cops are here.

Do not vaccinate health care workers first. If it fails, we're all in trouble. Vaccinate the politicians first. If we lose a few of them, it won't matter.

In the 1980s I fell off my bike and hurt my knee. I'm telling you this now because we didn't have social media then.

Some people seem to have aged like fine wine. I aged like milk ... I got sour and chunky.

Dear Sneeze: If you're going to happen, happen. Don't just put a stupid look on my face and then leave.

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, worthless, baconless years ....

I still have a full deck, I just shuffle slower.

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius. But his brother Frank was a monster.

 

[Philbert]

Merry Christmas !

Philbert

 

[Wilhelm]

 

[Wilhelm]

 

[Wilhelm]

 

[Philbert]

Philbert

 

[fossil]

 

[fossil]

 

[Wood Doctor]

Snow in Canada and upper New York brings out the best in all of us: