Tell me a joke.....

[Wood Doctor]

Her dog was in heat, but she agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbor was on vacation. She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

As she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

“Just worked for me,” he replied.

 

[Czed]

Not a joke but a baseball hat this teenage boy was wearing "i used to breed coonhounds until i found out they do that themselves" i still tear up laughing lol
His dad bought it for him Christmas gift haha

 

[ajschainsaws]

 

[ajschainsaws]

 

[angelo c]

The Pope in Alaska

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was driving along near the campground when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Hillary' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.


As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing 'Go Trump' shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semi-conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.

Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.


As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true!"


As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?


"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."


"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?"

 

[TJ the Chainsaw Mechanic]

The Pope in Alaska

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was driving along near the campground when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Hillary' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.


As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing 'Go Trump' shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semi-conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.

Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.


As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true!"


As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?


"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."


"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?"

Best one

 

[Wood Doctor]

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?
Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sheriff: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

Sheriff: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.

Sheriff: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and underglow wheel well lighting. At this point, the husband started choking up.

Sheriff: Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck.

 

[Wood Doctor]

A man is getting into the shower just as his lovely wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and
leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

 

[Wood Doctor]

A priest offered an attractive nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest almost drove off the road and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand
slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember
Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized and replied, "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, for further up, you will find glory."

 

[angelo c]

The Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private OFF LIMITS area on all aircraft carriers.

Addressing all boat personnel at Pearl Harbor, CINCPAC advised, "The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time."

He continued, " Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a Senior Chief Petty Officer , stood up in the crowd and inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

 

[Wood Doctor]

Well, guys, the joke is on me. Psalm 129 does not have the expression that I mentioned above anywhere. So, I have no choice but to read all the Psalms again and find which one has the passage I quoted above. If I find nothing, then the joke is on me twice.

It reminds me of what happens now and then when trying to fix a chainsaw that refuses to start. That little imp can do the same thing to you.

 

[jakethesnake]

Was still a good joke. Won't hurt ya none to thumb through psalms

 

[Wood Doctor]

Was still a good joke. Won't hurt ya none to thumb through psalms

I accomplished that. Same words not found but I learned a lot. That was fabulous review. As a boy, I recall singing the 23rd Psalm in church. Here's a dandy short one I overheard at the local pub last week:

A guy was trying to run a firewood delivery business but was having problems. Some said that his price was so low that his sales barely paid for his gasoline or any repairs. In particular, he was also having trouble stacking the logs up for his customers when he delivered. The logs were all about the same length but the stacks were falling over after they reached a height of only 3 feet or so.

The conclusion was that he just couldn't make ends meet.

 

[Fifelaker]

Divorced Man Settles Accounts-

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.


On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.


On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods. He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.


On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.


Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.


Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. Then the ex- called the woman and asked how things were going.. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house. Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.


He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork. A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ...... and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

 

[Jwalker1911]

BIKER CLUB

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocks on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims, "I want to join your biker club." The guy is amused and tells her that she needs to meet certain biker requirements before she can be allowed to join. So the biker asks her, "You have a bike?" The little old lady says, "Yea, that's my Chopper over there," and points to a Harley parked in the driveway. The biker asks her, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool." The biker is impressed and asks, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?" The little old lady pauses for a second, then says, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

 

[Wood Doctor]

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved, so the preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous beauty with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend I fear there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

 

[redtractor]

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:

"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"

 

[redtractor]

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided
to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that
this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine,
thought this would be a great opportunity to get $$.
So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste
in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from
box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth.”
Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!
You've got your taste back. That will be $500.

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple
of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from
box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.”
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got
your memory back . That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily
and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I
can hardly see anything!!!!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so,
" Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!”
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back!
That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean
that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"
Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like
being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

 

[Jwalker1911]

"HUSBAND WANTED
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED ! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you ? Just look at you...you have no legs."
The old man smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you !"
She snorted. "You don't have any arms either !" Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you !"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed ???"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "Rang the doorbell, didn't I ?"

 

[Deets066]

"HUSBAND WANTED
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED ! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you ? Just look at you...you have no legs."
The old man smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you !"
She snorted. "You don't have any arms either !" Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you !"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed ???"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "Rang the doorbell, didn't I ?"

Good one!