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Great!!
Tell me a joke.....
- Thread starter Mastermind
- Start date
dall
Mastermind Approved!
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lol truth huh jason
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Got that right...some of 'em be's that way!!
Wood Doctor
Edwin
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Time for a short one:
A physics teacher was having an affair with a biology teacher. One day the two of them had a a big fight and decided to call it quits. That ended the affair.
Apparently, the students who dissected the affair said there was bad chemistry involved in their relationship and it accelerated all at once.
A physics teacher was having an affair with a biology teacher. One day the two of them had a a big fight and decided to call it quits. That ended the affair.
Apparently, the students who dissected the affair said there was bad chemistry involved in their relationship and it accelerated all at once.
Jwalker1911
Super OPE Member
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An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said, to which he whirled around and screamed, ' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said, to which he whirled around and screamed, ' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!
Jwalker1911
Super OPE Member
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angelo c
Coal Member
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A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
Wood Doctor
Edwin
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Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as members of Congress.
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as members of Congress.
Philbert
Chainsaw Enthusiast
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"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day."
Philbert
Philbert
Wood Doctor
Edwin
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I also bought some shoes from a store that were laced together with Velcro rather than nylon strings. I later discovered they were a complete rip off.
Philbert
Chainsaw Enthusiast
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"My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo; I had to put my foot down . . . "
Philbert
Philbert
Last edited:
Philbert
Chainsaw Enthusiast
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"What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot."
Philbert
A carrot."
Philbert
Wood Doctor
Edwin
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Then there was the chef at the local restaurant who decided to make a batch of egg salad. Unfortunately, he selected old eggs and then sampled his creation. His stomach started churning and growling, and doing flip flops. He wasn't exactly positive that he had come down with food poisoning, but he told the doctor that he had a gut feeling that was his problem.
Wood Doctor
Edwin
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Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed, "for me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed, "for me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
angelo c
Coal Member
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A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further..Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Hamad replied, "*s-word, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further..Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Hamad replied, "*s-word, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
Wood Doctor
Edwin
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Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replied, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're astounded, but continue to ask: "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age," Bob replied.
To which one buddy replied, "What? Did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiled and said, "No, I told her I was pushing 90."
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replied, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're astounded, but continue to ask: "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age," Bob replied.
To which one buddy replied, "What? Did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiled and said, "No, I told her I was pushing 90."
Wood Doctor
Edwin
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Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
"These," she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
"These," she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
Wood Doctor
Edwin
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A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the husband. “We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled."
My wife quietly said, ‘That’s once."
We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That’s twice."
We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife, a redhead, promptly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule.
I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, "That’s once.”
“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the husband. “We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled."
My wife quietly said, ‘That’s once."
We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That’s twice."
We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife, a redhead, promptly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule.
I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, "That’s once.”
