Tell me a joke.....

[Wood Doctor]

I decided to write a book about using wood glue to assemble shop-made furniture.
But, I got stuck on the first sentence!

 

[Philbert]

I decided to write a book about using wood glue to assemble shop-made furniture.
But, I got stuck on the first sentence!

Don’t give up: stick to it!

Philbert

 

[Philbert]

Philbert

 

[hacskaroly]

I decided to write a book about using wood glue to assemble shop-made furniture.
But, I got stuck on the first sentence!

Keep going no matter how tacky it may end up...someone will get some value from it!!

 

[Wood Doctor]

Last week I was having my annual physical exam. The cute nurse in the Doc's office was carrying a red pen. She said, "Well guy, every now and then I have to draw blood."

 

[Philbert]

I also saw my doctor last week!

He said, ‘I’m gonna write you a prescription’, then pulled a thermometer out of his pocket, and started to write.

I said, ‘Doctor: that’s a thermometer!’

He looked, shook his head, and mumbled, ‘Some a**hole has my pen!’

Philbert

 

[Wood Doctor]

I also saw my doctor last week!

He said, ‘I’m gonna write you a prescription’, then pulled a thermometer out of his pocket, and started to write.

I said, ‘Doctor: that’s a thermometer!’

He looked, shook his head, and mumbled, ‘Some a**hole has my pen!’

Philbert

Hmmm... Is there a chance he was actually your dog's Veterinarian? Just curious.

 

[Philbert]

Philbert

 

[Jay Hansen]

Don’t give up: stick to it!

Philbert

Good advice! You'll no doubt establish a strong bond with your readers.

 

[Wood Doctor]

When Neil Armstrong returned from the moon, one of the first things the reporters asked him was, "How was the food up there on the moon?" He replied, "Well, the food up there tasted surprisingly good, but the place lacked atmosphere."

 

[Philbert]

Philbert

 

[Junk Meister]

A Fella has another doctor appointment.
Doc asks: "Same as always"
Patient: With a Doggedly painfull moan "Yes Doc."
Doc: : "You remember our Last conversation?"
Patient: :"Yes, and like I told you I don't use 'em but don't want to LOSE 'EM but this Throbbing head ache is TURRABLY unBEARABLE."
Doc: "Are you ready to accept my Diagnosis?"
Patient: "Yes But This Head is Killing Me. Schedule the surgery (with a timid) Please."
Three days later
Doc: How are You feeling Ray?"
Ray: "I Feel Great DOC, I could have Avoided years of that infernal headache if I'd have listened to you sooner."
Doc: "Now what are you going to do to celebrate?"
AFTER Pondering a bit.
RAY: I Am going to go get a get a Complete New change of clothes. From my Socks all the to my HAT."
After a lot of checking out the Market he decides on an old well renowned clothier with a reputation of sizing the customer to a perfect fit as he walks around without a seamstress tape.
Clothier's name turns out to be Fred.
Fred: "What can I do for you sir?"
Ray: "A complete change of clothes please I am celebrating.
Fred: How does This shirt and pants combination strike you?"
Ray: "I REALLY LIKE the colors!"
Fred: "Waist 32 inch, Inseam 26inch, length 36" I assume you wish a relaxed fit, Shirt XL 17-1/2" neck, 35" sleave, Extra long Tail, You prefer pearl snaps?
Ray: " WOW!! THAT is AMAZING!"
Fred: "Thank You Sir" Your Hat will be 7-1/8" do you like how this complements your attire sir?"
Ray: "Definitely."
Fred: "Socks Sir? 11" Shoes 11 D? I prefer you choose your tie Sir."
Ray: Fred I am so Impressed with your uncanny ability to outfit me so perfectly."
Fred: "Do You prefer silk boxers?"
Ray:"Yes."
Fred: "Large."
Ray: "Nope, you are wrong there. I wear Medium, Have for Years."
Fred: "GOD FORBID SIR! A Man of your Stature wearing medium would surely acquire an acute THROBBING HEADACHE!"

 

[Philbert]

Philbert

 

[Philbert]

(Just sayin’. . . )

‘Merry Christmas’ to those who celebrate!

Philbert

 

[59billy]

So, here it is, almost Christmas. We've all been shopping and subjected to the same old Christmas songs. I think it’s time for some updates:

Noisy Night
Baby, There’s Cops Outside
I Saw Mommy Suing Santa Claus
I'll be Broke for Christmas
All I Want for Christmas is Booze

Feel free to add your own.

 

[Wilhelm]

 

[Junk Meister]

So, here it is, almost Christmas. We've all been shopping and subjected to the same old Christmas songs. I think it’s time for some updates:

Noisy Night
Baby, There’s Cops Outside
I Saw Mommy Suing Santa Claus
I'll be Broke for Christmas
All I Want for Christmas is Booze

Feel free to add your own.

The Sounds of SILENCE (In Stereo)

 

[Junk Meister]

So, here it is, almost Christmas. We've all been shopping and subjected to the same old Christmas songs. I think it’s time for some updates:

Noisy Night
Baby, There’s Cops Outside
I Saw Mommy Suing Santa Claus
I'll be Broke for Christmas
All I Want for Christmas is Booze

Feel free to add your own.

You missed the Grandma got ranned over by a Reindeer.

 

[stretch5881]

 

[jakethesnake]

T'was the night before Christmas
And all through the house,
Everybody felt *s-wordty
Even the mouse.

Mom at the hoehouse
And Dad smoking Grass,
I'd just settled down
For a nice piece of ass.

When out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter,
I sprung from my peice
To see what was the matter.

Then out on the lawn
I saw a big dick,
I know in a moment
It must be Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney
Like a bat out of hell,
I knew in a moment
The *f-worder had fell.

He filled all our stockings
With pretzels and beer,
And a big rubber dick
For my brother, The Queer.

He rose up the chimney
With a thunderous fart,
The son of a *b-word
Blew the chimney apart.

He swore and he cursed
As he rode out of sight,
Piss on you all
And have a hell of a night