Tell me a joke.....

[jakethesnake]

German & Croatian

Though I occasionally also speak: bulls#it, ©®ap, nonsense ... - alas, people don't seem to be impressed when I do.

Your English is damn good

 

[Wilhelm]

Your English is damn good

It's the only way to fend off those talking bulls#it, ©®ap & nonsense!

 

[Wood Doctor]

It was more subtle than some of the stuff posted in this thread.

Philbert

I saw my first eclipse of the sun in 1953 I believe, but it could have been 1954. We lived in Indianapolis. It was a total eclipse that took place in the morning. I helped mom and dad make smoked glass viewers the day before. It's an event that I will always remember.

E-clips tend to be easy to lose and hard to find and replace. So does an Eclipse of the sun. Philbert, you are indeed the master of puns.

 

[Wood Doctor]

That also assumes they've spent about $800 on a new set of clubs.

 

[Philbert]

A bridge fell;

There was a earthquake;
.
.
.
Come on guys, it’s not like something is going to blot out the sun . . .

Philbert

 

[Junk Meister]

I got it. I had to put the emphasis on clips instead of E. Feeling pretty dumb right now. Lol

Had a girl in chemistry Class. We were telling jokes and she was told to look down in her shirt and spell out "A T T I C "
She never CAUGHT ON 'til the next day same time and the light came on. She kept pulling the neck of her shirt out a saying A T T I see.. Then she realized she was being a spectacle, and got real embarrassed

 

[Philbert]

Philbert

 

[Wood Doctor]

 

[Philbert]

Philbert

 

[Philbert]

Philbert

 

[Wilhelm]

 

[Wilhelm]

 

[Wilhelm]

 

[Philbert]

‘Kerning’ (the spacing of letters in text) matters.

Philbert

 

[bucketofguts]

View attachment 414082
Repost from August, 2017 (!).

(Don’t stare at them directly!)

Philbert

A young, buxom, blonde woman goes to the supermarket. She starts walking up and down the aisles. Each aisle she goes to she touches her head, her ears, her breasts, and her crotch. Naturally she caught the attention of the store manager. He watched her go up and down the aisles. Each aisle the blonde kept doing this routine.

After a number of times the store manager approached her and asked if she is having a problem. She told him no. He then asked, “Why do you make those hand gestures and touch yourself like that?”

The young blonde replied, “Oh that. I’m just trying to remember my grocery list.”

The manager was perplexed and gave her a very confused look. The blonde continued, while going through the motions, “One head of lettuce, two ears of corn, two breasts of chicken, and some Fantast

 

[Motorka]

Let say it a joke...

 

[Mack 880]

Sam was a young man who didn't drink very much. However, Sam was having a bad day, and decided to go to the local pub and get something to drink. Sam walked up to the bar and said, "bartender, gimme a whiskey".

Sam finished his drink, and looked round the bar. He noticed an old gentleman sitting at the end, slumped over on the bar. Sam asked the bartender, "is that guy OK?"

Bartender said, "that's old Joe. he comes in here and gets really drunk and then has to make arrangements to get home."

Sam, being the nice guy that he is, asked the bartender "hey, does he live close by? if he does I'll just take him home." The bartender said that Joe lives just a few blocks away and that he would probably really appreciate the help.

Sam goes down to the end of the bar and shakes old Joe's shoulder. Old Joe Wakes up and looks confused. Sam says I'm going to take you home, bartender says it's not very far. Old Joe nods his head and closes his eyes.

Sam goes to help old Joe up, but old Joe just falls to the floor. Sam's thinking to himself, "dang old Joe sure had a lot to drink". Anyway, Sam gets old Joe into his car. Sam drives the three or four blocks and gets old Joe home. Sam gets his car door open and Joe can't stand up, falling to the ground again.

Sam thinks to himself "boy it's a good thing I brought him home". Sam gets old Joe up to the door and rings the doorbell. Old Joe's wife answers the door and Sam tells her about the bar and how he brought old Joe home.

Old Joe's wife gives him a big smile and says thank you very much. Then she looks around a little puzzled and says, "where is his wheelchair?"