Tell me a joke.....

[Philbert]

Philbert

 

[ammoaddict]

Never laugh at your wife's choices. You are one of them.

 

[redneckhillbilly]

I know there is alot of ac/dc fans here

 

[Wood Doctor]

A young, buxom, blonde woman goes to the supermarket. She starts walking up and down the aisles. Each aisle she goes to she touches her head, her ears, her breasts, and her crotch. Naturally she caught the attention of the store manager. He watched her go up and down the aisles. Each aisle the blonde kept doing this routine.

After a number of times the store manager approached her and asked if she is having a problem. She told him no. He then asked, “Why do you make those hand gestures and touch yourself like that?”

The young blonde replied, “Oh that. I’m just trying to remember my grocery list.”

The manager was perplexed and gave her a very confused look. The blonde continued, while going through the motions, “One head of lettuce, two ears of corn, two breasts of chicken, and some Fantastic!”

 

[LAWN BOY]

A farmer drove over to a neighbor’s farmhouse, and a boy, about age 9, opened the door.

‘Is your mom or dad home?” Asked the farmer. “No, they went to town.” Said the boy. “How about your older brother Howard, is he home?” Asked the farmer. “Nope, he went with them.” Said the boy.

The farmer stood there for several moments shifting his feet and thinking. The boy then said “I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”

“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “No, I really want to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant.”

The boy thought for a moment, then said, “You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”

 

[Wood Doctor]

The other day I was in the Auto Zone parts store. A lady comes in and asks for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other and said, “What’s a seven ten cap?”

She said, “You know, it’s right on the engine. Mine got lost some how and I need a new one.”

“What does it do?” the counter clerk asked.

She said, “I don’t know, but it’s always been there.”

The counter clerk then gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture. She made a circle about 3 inches in diameter and in the center she wrote “710”.

Question: Was she a blonde?

Ans: Yes. Here is what she drew:

​

 

[LAWN BOY]

Real funny story from 2 years ago. My mom and I went to her friend’s house for some reason. Anyways they were talking and got into a conversation about the truck my mom’s friend’s husband was going to sell to my dad and about how it usually needs starting fluid to start. Well, my mom asked her friend where starting fluid gets sprayed, her friend said, “I’d assume on the starter.” I didn’t say anything to either of them and it took a lot of effort to not bust out laughing in front of them.

 

[Wood Doctor]

British doctor says, “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in six weeks.”

A German doctor says, “That’s nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in four weeks.”

A Russian doctor says: “In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another man, and have both of them looking for work in two weeks.”

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says: “You guys are way behind, we took a man with no brain out of Delaware, put him in the White House, and almost immediately, prices skyrocketed and millions began looking for work.”

 

[Philbert]

Philbert

 

[nbbt]

 

[Wood Doctor]

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, “I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can I talk to you for just a couple of minutes?”

The woman looked puzzled. “Why talk to me?” she asked.

“Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere.”

 

[drumbum]

A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas. After all, they’ve only been dating for three weeks so it seems like the ideal gift – romantic, yet not too personal.
He asks the girlfriend’s younger sister to accompany him to buy them then she can point out a pair she’d like. They go to the mall and the sister points out a pair of white gloves which the guy then buys.
The sister then picks up a pair of panties for herself and buys them.
But during the wrapping, the clerk mixes up the parcels without anyone realizing. As a result, the sister gets the gloves and the guy takes home a gift box containing the panties.
Without checking, the guy rushes the gift to his sweetheart, but only after drafting this loving and helpful note to accompany it:

“I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she’d been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. There’s no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for the coming Christmas Eve.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.”

 

[Wood Doctor]

Well, Drumbum, that lowered the level. Holy Cow!

 

[jakethesnake]

A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas. After all, they’ve only been dating for three weeks so it seems like the ideal gift – romantic, yet not too personal.
He asks the girlfriend’s younger sister to accompany him to buy them then she can point out a pair she’d like. They go to the mall and the sister points out a pair of white gloves which the guy then buys.
The sister then picks up a pair of panties for herself and buys them.
But during the wrapping, the clerk mixes up the parcels without anyone realizing. As a result, the sister gets the gloves and the guy takes home a gift box containing the panties.
Without checking, the guy rushes the gift to his sweetheart, but only after drafting this loving and helpful note to accompany it:
“I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she’d been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. There’s no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for the coming Christmas Eve.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.”

That’s a good one bro

 

[Philbert]

Philbert

 

[Philbert]

(Not political!)



Philbert

 

[ammoaddict]

(Not political!)

View attachment 412102

Philbert

I don't get it.

 

[Philbert]

I don't get it.

‘ . . . the Ides of March (today!) is the date on which Julius Caesar was assassinated in 44 BC, at a meeting of the Senate. As many as 60 conspirators, led by Brutus and Cassius, were involved.‘

‘Et tu, Brutus?’

Philbert

 

[Philbert]

Philbert

 

[Philbert]

Philbert