Tell me a joke.....

[Motorhead]

 

[Wood Doctor]

Lawyer in court, questioning the CME (chief medical examiner):

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But, could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

 

[Motorhead]

 

[merc_man]

I want thus sign lol.

Sent from my SM-G950W using Tapatalk

 

[Dub11]

 

[Motorhead]

 

[Dub11]

 

[Wood Doctor]

Doctor Bob had slept naked with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he’d hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: “Bob, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first doctor to sleep naked with one of their patients... and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Just let it go.”

But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality: “Bob, you’re a vet...”

 

[Wood Doctor]

A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches. “I feel tired all the time, my head hurts, my muscles and joints ache, and I’m not sleeping well at all. What do you think is it, Doc?”

The doctor examines him thoroughly and says, “Well, right now I can’t find anything wrong. It must be the drinking.”

“Fair enough,” replied the lush. “I’ll come back when you eventually sober up.”

 

[Wood Doctor]

A retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more for old times sake. He engages a seasoned prostitute and takes her up to a room, paying her fee in advance. He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a man of his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, “How am I doing, darling? Am I up to speed?”

The prostitute replies, “Well old sailor, I'd say you’re doing about three knots.”

“Three knots!” he asks, “I've sailed the seven seas, but forgive me, what’s that supposed to mean?”

She says, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting you’re money back!”

 

[Motorhead]

 

[Wood Doctor]

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some Nair hair remover and rub in its ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some Nair hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms don’t use deodorant for a few days.”

The lady says, “I’m not using it under my arms.”

The druggist says, “If you’re using it on your legs don’t shave for a couple of days.”

The lady says, “I’m not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I’m using it on my Schnauzer.”

The druggist winks and says, “Well then, I suggest that you stay off your bicycle for about a week.”

 

[Motorhead]

 

[Wood Doctor]

Buyer: I meant what price should I expect to pay? -- 10:16 AM
Seller: Whatever you can afford. -- 10:46 AM

Buyer: Be serious. What are you asking for the Bike? -- 10:59 AM
Seller: That depends on whatever you can afford. -- 11:13 AM

Buyer: That's my business, not yours. -- 11:28 AM
Seller: The bike is still mine. That's my business. -- 11:44 AM

Buyer: You're a staunch Democrat, aren't you? -- 11:56 AM
Seller: Yes. How could you tell? -- 12:05 PM

Buyer: I figured that out at 11:13 AM. So long. -- 12:13 PM

 

[Motorhead]

 

[Wood Doctor]

Or an aircraft pilot. Not sure if any of this is humorous.

 

[Motorhead]

Or an aircraft pilot. Not sure if any of this is humorous.

 

[Motorhead]

 

[Motorhead]

 

[Motorhead]