Tell me a joke.....

[P.M.P.]

This is one of those ice boner days isn't it?

 

[P.M.P.]

Recently ayy routahn police patrol were parked outside ayy bar in the outback. Aftuurr last call, the officuurr done noticed ayy man a-leavin' the bar so apparently intoxicated that there he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot faw ayy few minutes, with the officuurr quietly observing. Aftuurr what done seemed an eternity, in which he done tried his keys on five different vehicles, thay ...uhh man done managed ta faand his car ayn' fall into it. He done sat there faw ayy few minutes as ayy numbuurr av othuurr patrons done left the bar ayn' done drove off. Finally he done started the car, switched the wipers on ayn' off; it were ayy awful fine, dry summuurr night, flicked the blinkers on ayn' off ayy couple av times, honked the hawn ayn' then switched on the lights. He done moved thay ...uhh vehicle fawward ayy few inches, reversed ayy little, ayn' then done remained still faw ayy few mawe minutes as some mawe av thay ...uhh othuurr patrons' vehicles done left. At last, when his were the only car done left in the parking lot, he done pulled out ayn' done drove slowly down the road. The police officer, a-havin' done waited patiently all this here time, now done started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, ayn' promptly done pulled the man ovuurr ayn' administered ayy breathalysuurr test. Ta his amazement, the breathalyzuurr done indicated naw evidence that there the man done had consumed any alcohol at all! dumbfounded, the officuurr done said, "i'll have ta ask y'all ta accompany me ta the police stashun. This here breathalysuurr equipment must be broken. " "ey doubt it," done said thay ...uhh truly proud redneck. "tonaheet ay'm thay ...uhh designated decoy. "

 

[P.M.P.]

Bill ayn' marla done decided that there thay ...err only way ta pull off ayy sunday afternoon quickie with thay'r 10-year-old son in thay ...err apartment were ta send him out on thay ...err balcony ayn' awduurr him ta repawt on all thay ...err neighbawhood activities. The boy done began his commentary as his parents put thay'r plan into operashun. "there's ayy car a-bein' towed frawum thay ...uhh parking lot,"he done said. "an ambulance just done drove by. " ayy few mowments done passed. "looks like the anderson's have company," he done called out. "matt`s riding ayy awful new bike ayn' thay ...err coopers are a-havin' sex. " mowm ayn' dad shot up in bed. "how do y'all know that there?" thay ...uhh startled fathuurr done asked. "their kid is a-standin' out on the balcony too," his son done replied

 

[P.M.P.]

When teachuurr entered thay ...err class little jonny slowly done said: "sir excuse me; y'all's zippuurr is open. " so thay ...err teachuurr done thanked him ayn' done fastened his zippuurr. He done went near little jonny ayn' done told him: "my dear it would bettuurr ta say: the office doaw is open. " next day when the teachuurr entered the class, unfawtunately, his zippuurr were agayn open! little jonny loudly done shouted: "not only the office doaw is open but also the teachuurr is at the doaw ayn' two awful small students are beside him. "

 

[P.M.P.]

On ayy farm out in thay ...err country done lived ayy man ayn' ayy woman ayn' thay'r three sons. Awful early one mawning, the woman awoke, ayn' whahl a-lookin' out av the winder onto ta the pasture, she done saw that there the family’s only cow were a-lyin' dead in the field. The situashun done looked hopeless ta her-how could she possibly continue ta feed huurr family now? in ayy depressed state av mind, she hung her. When the man awoke ta faand his wife dead, as whel as the cow, he too done began ta see the hopelessness av the situation, ayn' he shot him in the head. Now thay ...err oldest son woke up ta discovuurr his parents dead (and thay ...err cow!), ayn' he done decided ta go down ta thay ...err rivuurr ayn' drown him. When he done got ta the river, he done discovered ayy mermaid sitting on the bank. She done said,”i’ve saw all ayn' know the reason faw y'all's despair. But if y'all will have sex with me five times in ayy row, then ay will restawe y'all's parents ayn' thay ...uhh cow ta y'all. ” the son done agreed ta try, but aftuurr four times, he were simply unable ta get it up agayn. So thay ...uhh mermaid drowned him in thay ...uhh rivuurr. Next the second oldest son woke up. Aftuurr a-discoverin' what done had done happened, he too done decided ta throw him into the rivuurr. The mermaid done said ta him, “if y'all will have sex with me ten times in ayy row, then ay will make ever'thing raheet. ” ayn' whahl the son done tried his best (seven times!), it were nahwt enough ta satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the rivuurr. The youngest son woke up ayn' done saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, ayn' his brothers gone. He done decided that there life were ayy hopeless prospect, ayn' he done went down ta thay ...err rivuurr ta throw him in. Ayn' there he also met thay ...uhh mermaid. “ey have saw all that there has done happened, ayn' ay can make ever'thing raheet if y'all will only have sex with me fifteen times in ayy row. ” the awful young son done replied, “is that there all? why nahwt twenty times in ayy row?” the mermaid were somewhat taken aback by this here request. Then he done said, “hell, why nahwt twenty-five times in ayy row?” ayn' even as she were reluctantly agreeing ta his request, he done said, “why nahwt thirty times in ayy row?” finally, she done said, “enough!! okay, if y'all will have sex with me thirty times in ayy row, then ay will bring ever'body back ta perfec health. ” then thay ...err awful young son done asked, “wait! how do ay know that there thirty times in ayy row won’t kill y'all like it done thay ...err cow?”

 

[P.M.P.]

If y'all have ayy grief nobody feels, if y'all have ayy payn nobody feels. If y'all's heart is broken nobody feels, but if y'all fart all will understand

 

[P.M.P.]

It can buy ayy house but nahwt ayy home it can buy ayy bed but nahwt sleep it can buy ayy clock but nahwt tahm it can buy y'all ayy book but nahwt knowledge it can buy y'all ayy posishun but nahwt respec it can buy y'all medicahn but nahwt health it can buy y'all blood but nahwt life so y'all see, mowney isn't ever'thing. Ayn' it often causes payn ayn' a-sufferin'. Ay tell y'all this here because ay am y'all's friend, ayn' as y'all's friend ay want totake away y'all's payn ayn' a-sufferin'. So send me all y'all's mowney ayn' ay will suffuurr faw y'all. Ayy mawe true friend y'all will nevuurr faand

 

[Dub11]

@P.M.P.

Are you using talk to type tonight? You read like a drunk pirate lol

 

[Motorhead]

 

[Wood Doctor]

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims."Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

 

[Motorhead]

 

[beaglebriar]

View attachment 105903

Guilty! Lol

 

[Motorhead]

 

[Motorhead]

 

[Dub11]

View attachment 105940

Lol, glad I don't fly

 

[Wood Doctor]

I couldn't help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.

One of the guys says to his buddy and said, "Man, you look tired.”

His buddy says, “Yep, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She's after me 3 to 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do."

An older fellow about 70+ also overheard the conversation and was sitting a couple of stools down. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years and said, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that crap."

 

[Motorhead]

 

[Motorhead]

 

[Motorhead]

 

[Motorhead]