Tell me a joke.....

[Motorhead]

 

[TreeLife]

Looking in the mirror is the perpetual joke...

 

[angelo c]

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law,
Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened!

I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found?

Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!

This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law.

"There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing!
There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"Paddy, there I told you there must be a simple explanation.

She never got your email!

 

[Dub11]

Looking in the mirror is the perpetual joke...

Once I got married I stopped using the mirror

 

[Derf]

How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other women

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes






HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

 

[Derf]

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
One student wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.


Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

 

[Derf]

Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at WalMart for my dogs Melvin and Saba.

I was standing in line to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, that I had an elephant?

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that No, I didn't have a dog - that I was starting the Purina Diet again. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

Horrified, She asked : "Did you end up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned you?"

I said: "No not at all. I had stopped in the middle of the road to lick my balls and a car hit me."

The guy behind her was laughing so hard, I thought he was going to have a heart attack!

 

[paragonbuilder]

Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at WalMart for my dogs Melvin and Saba.

I was standing in line to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, that I had an elephant?

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that No, I didn't have a dog - that I was starting the Purina Diet again. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

Horrified, She asked : "Did you end up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned you?"

I said: "No not at all. I had stopped in the middle of the road to lick my balls and a car hit me."

The guy behind her was laughing so hard, I thought he was going to have a heart attack!

Fred if you really did this... I love you!!!!

 

[Ryan Browne]

Did you guys great about the chameleon that couldn't change colors?

 

[Ryan Browne]

Did you guys great about the chameleon that couldn't change colors?

He had a reptile dysfunction.

 

[Derf]

A young boy was playing hide and go seek and hid in his parents' closet. While hinding there, he heard his mother say "Oh *s-word, my husband's home early! Quick, hide in the closet!"
Suddenly he found himself with company.
Boy:Hi
Man:Hi
Boy: sure is dark in here
Man: yes it is
Boy: You wanna buy a baseball glove?
Man: How much?
Boy: Fifty bucks.
Man: ...
Boy: Or I could go talk to my dad...
Man: DEAL!

The next week the same occurance.
Boy: Sure is Dark in here...don't you need a ball now?
Man: how much?
Boy: A hundred bucks.

The next day the Father of the boy comes come early and yells to his son "hey boy, get your glove and we'll throw ball". To which his son replies "Can't, sold them."
When he told his father how much he got for the glove and ball, his father marched him right to the church and threw him into confessional.

Priest: Confess your sins that you might be forgiven
Boy: Sure is dark in here
Priest: Don't start that *s-word again!!!

 

[Derf]

Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's
10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife
that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's
10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two
claimed that he was still there.

 

[Derf]

An Australian ventriloquist entertaining on a cruise ship visiting New Zealand, walks from the tour bus into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi "G'day, mate mind if I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me and feeds me good food and takes me to the lake to play."
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I don't think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking."
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Kiwi: (in a panic) "THE SHEEP'S A LIAR!!!"

 

[Derf]

A beautiful young woman was feeling so depressed that she decided
to end her life by throwing herself into the East river off of the Brooklyn Bridge.
She went up to the middle of the bridge and was about to leap
into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her teetering
on the edge of the pier crying. He took pity on her and
said, "Listen, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the
morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take
good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added with
a wink, "I'll make you happy, and you can make me happy."

The woman nodded yes through her tears. After all, what did she have
to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a
lifeboat, along with blankets and food. From then on, every night he
brought her sandwiches, water, wine and fruit and they would make
mad, passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by
the Captain. "What the hell are you doing here?" the Captain demanded
angrily.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I
get free food and a trip to Europe. Meanwhile," she says coyly, "
he's taking advantage of me so to speak (wink, wink)."

"He sure as hell is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten
Island ferry."

 

[Derf]

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. I was hoping some of my friends at work would say something to cheer me up. But as I went to the break room to get a coffee nobody even looked up from their morning paper.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane, said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way, Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, since it's your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch, but we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a fancy bistro with a private table. We had two margaritas each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way out of the restaurant Jane said, "It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner. I've got a surprise for you."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. Make yourself comfortable, I'll be right back."

"Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday."

And I just sat there...

.....On the couch...

.....Naked.

 

[Derf]

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said, "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep, the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5.00 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did, " chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

 

[Derf]

A bus full of Catholic school girls dies and goes to heaven. While waiting for the pearly gates to open, St Peter appears and asks them to form a line. He asks the first girl if she has ever had any contact with a man’s penis? The girl says she once touched a penis with her finger. St Peter tells her to dip her finger in a basin of holy water and she can pass through the gate.
He then asks the same question of the second girl, and she says she once fondled a penis. St Peter tells her to dip her hand in the basin of holy water, and she may pass into heaven.
Just then there is a commotion at the back of the line as some of the girls in the back begin jostling to the front of the line. St Peter asks what the matter is about and one of the girls says “if I’m going to have to gargle with that holy water to get into heaven I’m definitely going before Beth has to wash her ass out with it.”

 

[Derf]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies" he responded.

"Oh. Killed any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

 

[Derf]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled
by her dog and her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look."That sure is a nice fire truck,"
the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks" the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the
wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how
to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar too, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren."

 

[Derf]

Paddy and Murphy are on holiday in Egypt. They decide to hire a camel for a ride into the desert. Unfortunately it is mating season so many owners refused to hire out their camels. Eventually they found one owner of a large bull camel that would let them have it for a day.

He warned them the camel was very horny and needed to be jerked off a couple of times a day.

Off they went and after a mile the camel stopped and wouldn't move a leg. So Paddy got down off the camel, stepped underneath and took its penis and had a go at it. Within a minute the camel ejaculated a large amount of semen onto the desert sand and off they went again.

A few miles further the camel stopped again and Murphy did the honors. After about five minutes the camel ejaculated a very small amount of semen onto the desert floor. Off they went again.

Half an hour later the camel stopped again and Paddy stepped underneath the beast. After about a quarter of hour the camel still hadn't ejaculated. Patty's arm was getting tired. Losing his patience Murphy jumped off the camel, grabbed the reins, raised his fist and started to shout at the camel. The camel just shook its head and made sucking movements with its lips.