Tell me a joke.....

[Wilhelm]

A brunette, redhead, and blonde are stranded on the edge of a cliff.
An angel appears and instructs them to jump off the cliff and say out loud what they would like to land on safely.
The brunette goes first. She jumps and says, "Pillows!" She lands on a pile of pillows at the bottom.
The redhead goes next. She jumps and says "Feathers!" She lands on a mass of feathers below.
The blonde walks up to the edge, but trips on a rock, yelling, "$#it!" as she falls off.

 

[Wilhelm]

Three blondes had boyfriends all named John and they kept getting confused.
They decided to name them after sodas.
The first girl said, "I'll call mine 7 Up, because he's seven inches and he's always up."
The next girl said, "I'll call mine Mountain Dew, because he mounts me and knows exactly what to do."
The last girl goes, "I'll call mine Jack Daniels."
The other girls yelled at her and said, "That's not a soda! That's a hard licker!"

 

[Wilhelm]

A blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."

 

[Wilhelm]

Some guy called me a tool.
So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.
Guess he was right.

 

[Wilhelm]

Two women are walking home from the bar, they both have to pee so they slip into a nearby cemetery.
One uses her panties to wipe herself, and the other uses a reef off a head stone.
Next night, the husbands meet at the bar, one looks at the other and says, "I'm gonna have to watch my wife, she came home with no panties last night."
The other one says, "Oh well, mine came home with a card wedged in her a$$ saying, "You were loved and will be missed by the whole entire fire department.'"

 

[Wilhelm]

It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were sleeping when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? (paused for a few seconds) How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" and slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replies, "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear tonight."

 

[Philbert]

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was

"NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, they all answered

"NO!"

"Well" I continued "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

Philbert

 

[SawAddictedFarmer]

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was

"NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, they all answered

"NO!"

"Well" I continued "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

Philbert

The kid has a good point!