Tell me a joke.....

[birdmeter]

A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"


As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like dat cute widdle bwown wabbit over der?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thyit."

 

[birdmeter]

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

“Look, it’s not the same hat.”

“Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.”

“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.

After a week the parrot said: “OK, I give up. Where’s the boat?”

 

[Dub11]

 

[Philbert]

The Real Purpose of Airplane Propellers



Philbert

 

[birdmeter]

There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ' ...

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'It hurts when I piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter...

 

[birdmeter]

Subject: Navy tact

Years ago, a young Navy pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a catapult shot from the carrier.
Due to the heroics of rescue helicopter crew and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.

Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear."

The Admiral threw him out as well.

The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Navy Master Chiefs put together.
The Admiral wanted this guy but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes Sir. You wear contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked.

The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one effin' ear. "

 

[birdmeter]

HEARTLESS ENGLISH...
An English tourist was driving through Scotland when he noticed
a man on the side of the road having sex with a sheep.
A few kilometers further on he came upon a small town,
so he parked his car and went into the pub for a drink.
He grabbed a beer, sat at a table, and then took a look around the bar.
He immediately noticed a one-legged guy sitting over at a corner table,
masturbating without a care in the world.

The English tourist turned to the bartender and said,
"what sort of country is this? A few kilometers back down the road there
was this guy having sex with a sheep, and now that guy in the corner
is furiously masturbating in full view of everyone."
The bartender said, "You heartless English bastard. He's only got one leg.
How do you expect him to catch a sheep?"

 

[birdmeter]

"Sometimes, when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I did not drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, it is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true, than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
birdmeter

 

[birdmeter]

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”birdmeter

 

[birdmeter]

"24 hours in a day and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!”birdmeter

 

[birdmeter]

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
Benjamin Franklin. birdmeter

 

[birdmeter]

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, But the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”birdmeter

 

[birdmeter]

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But, naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers! birdmeter

 

[birdmeter]

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard so he decided to take them to the sale and sell them. Before he unloaded them there was a man there getting ready to sell five boar pigs. After visiting with each other they decided instead of selling them, they agreed to mate them together and split the profit 50-50.
They lived 60 miles apart so they decided to meet each other 30 miles and find a field to let the pigs mate. The farmer with the five female pigs got up at 5 a.m. and loaded his five female pigs in his station wagon, the only vehicle he owned. While they were mating one farmer said, "how do you know if they are pregnant?". The other farmer said, "If they are laying in the grass they are pregnant but if they are laying in the mud they are not."
The next morning they were rolling in the mud so he hosed them off-loaded them in the station wagon and proceeded to try again. This continued all week long and the farmers were worn out.
So the next morning one of the farmers was so tired he couldn't get our of bed so he asked his wife to look outside and see if the pigs were in the mud or in the grass. "Neither," yelled his wife. They are in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.

 

[Wood Doctor]

A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Nebraska. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going into retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied. “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S., and I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Nebraska. We settle small disagreements like this with the Cornhusker Three Kick Rule.”

The lawyer asked, “What is the Cornhusker Three Kick Rule?” The farmer replied. “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot now it’s my turn.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

 

[Dub11]

A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Nebraska. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going into retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied. “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S., and I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Nebraska. We settle small disagreements like this with the Cornhusker Three Kick Rule.”

The lawyer asked, “What is the Cornhusker Three Kick Rule?” The farmer replied. “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot now it’s my turn.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

 

[Wood Doctor]

I love lawyer jokes. Glad you liked it also. I'll see if I can dig up a few more from my archives.

 

[Wood Doctor]

A Florida farmer dug a pond out in the back 40. He stocked it with fish and enjoyed seeing wildlife use it. In the evening he would grab a bucket and walk down to feed the fish.

He was on his way out one evening when he heard a commotion coming from the pond. He walked over and a bunch of young coed's were skinny dipping in the pond. They noticed him and said they were not coming out while he was there.

He held up the bucket with a smirk on his face and said, "That's OK. Today I'm here to feed the alligator."

 

[Wood Doctor]

A man walks into a bar. He sees a stunning, good-looking, smartly dressed woman sitting on the bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, “Hi there, how’s it going?”

Having already had a few drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eyes, and says, “Listen, big guy! I’ll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter.”

He says, “No kidding, I’m a lawyer too! What firm are you with?

 

[Motorhead]