Tell me a joke.....

[Motorhead]

 

[merc_man]

Sent from my SM-G950W using Tapatalk

 

[Philbert]

(Might have to think about it a little . . .)

Philbert

 

[Motorhead]

 

[birdmeter]

An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"

The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"

The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."

The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

 

[birdmeter]

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem
to get enough lovin'. In the morning before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love, and again at bedtime, they made love. The problem was their nooner, it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.

Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.

"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while. Homer came back to the doctor's office. "What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"

"Oh, it worked real good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come a runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."

"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.

"I ain't seen her since hunting' season started."

 

[birdmeter]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that he would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront his bookkeeper about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is." The lawyer, using sign language, asks, "Where's the money?

The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says, He doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to his bookkeeper's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs,"He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

He trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the Shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"


The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

 

[birdmeter]

When is the F word Acceptable?

There are only ten times in history where the"F" word has been considered acceptable for use.
They are as follows:

10. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?"

-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

9. "What the @#$% was that?"

-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

8. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"

-- Custer, 1877

7. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."

-- Einstein, 1938

6. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"

-- Picasso, 1926

5. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"

-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

4. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"

-- Michelangelo, 1566

3. "Where the @#$% are we?"

-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

2. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"

-- Noah, 4314 BC

1. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"

-- Bill Clinton, 1998

 

[Dub11]

When is the F word Acceptable?

There are only ten times in history where the"F" word has been considered acceptable for use.
They are as follows:

10. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?"

-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

9. "What the @#$% was that?"

-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

8. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"

-- Custer, 1877

7. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."

-- Einstein, 1938

6. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"

-- Picasso, 1926

5. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"

-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

4. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"

-- Michelangelo, 1566

3. "Where the @#$% are we?"

-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

2. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"

-- Noah, 4314 BC

1. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"

-- Bill Clinton, 1998

Bill might of been thinking back in the early 70s before knocking a certain someone up.

 

[birdmeter]

Two Trees and a Woodpecker

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it,
but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A smaller tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,
'Is that tree a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that tree is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'_

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies,

'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch._ It is,_however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into

 

[Philbert]

Philbert

 

[birdmeter]

A man on a plane had just sat down and he looked up and saw the most beautiful woman he had ever seen walking down the aisle toward him. She sat beside him. Trying to strike up a conversation he asked her what she was doing. She said, "Actually I am headed to a meeting where I am the speaker." He asked what kind of meeting it was.
She said it is a meeting of nymphomaniacs. He about swallowed his tongue as he thought, "I am sitting by the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and she is talking about that." She said, "Actually I speak about my own personal experiences. You may be surprised but most think black guys are the best but really it is the American Indian. And most think that French men are the best lovers but I have found it is the Spanish. And the ones who have the most stamina are the redneck guys."
She said, "I feel so silly telling you all this and I don't even know your name."
He said, "My name is Tonto Gonzalos but most people call me Bubba.

 

[birdmeter]

Ted Nugent; rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a liberal journalist who also happens to be an animal rights activist._ The discussion came around to deer hunting._ The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him?_ Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'"

Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking._ All they care about is what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away._ They are very much like the Democrats in Congress."
The interview ended.r

 

[birdmeter]

The triumph of age and experience:

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, and put the paint on top of the bucket. I'll hold the chickens".

 

[birdmeter]

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess,
"Will you marry me?"

The Princess immediately said, "No!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women, and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard *b-wording

and never paid child support or alimony,

and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns, and ate spam and
potato chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at work,

and all his friends and family thought he was friggin' cool as hell,

and he had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up.
The End.

 

[countryhog]

Bill might of been thinking back in the early 70s before knocking a certain someone up.

I know people who think it was web hubbel who knocked the certain someone up. Look at the offspring and then at bill and then at hub

 

[birdmeter]

Bran Muffins
The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.


They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 'What are the greens fees?' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man, 'this is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea,' he asked.

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied, 'you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'


The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f---in' bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!

 

[Mastermind]

Leave the political stuff on Facebook or ArboristSite please.

 

[birdmeter]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just got married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

 

[birdmeter]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK;
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK;
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK;
1. No thanks, I’m married
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type
4. No thanks, I’m not hungry
5. I’m not interested in fighting you
6. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance. I have no co-ordination and I’d hate to look like a fool!
7. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.