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Wood Doctor

Edwin
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Pfizer Corp. (PFE) is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as-is or as a mixer, under the name “Mount and Do.”

Pepsi’s proposed ad campaign suggests: “It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.”

My Recommendation: BUY
 

Wood Doctor

Edwin
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Two Hereford bulls were grazing at the top of a hill, father and son. They both saw a dozen young heifers approach a water hole down in the valley below.

The young bull with wide eyes and ears up said, "Dad, I was just thinking that we should run down there and each of us service one of those young heifers. What do you think?"

Dad, thought for a moment and then replied. "I have a better idea, son. Let's walk down there instead and service them all."
 

Wood Doctor

Edwin
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Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. “Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”

“He’s an idiot,” Bob said. “Piss on him!”

“You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”

“Well, screw him!” said Bob.

“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”
 

merc_man

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Sent from my SM-G950W using Tapatalk
 

Wood Doctor

Edwin
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Mrs. Ward goes to the doctor’s office to collect her husband’s test results. The lab tech says to her, “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your husband to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband’s. And frankly, your husband’s results are either bad or terrible.”

“What do you mean?” Mrs. Ward asked.

“Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other has tested positive for AIDS. We can’t tell which one is your husband.”

“That’s terrible! Can’t we do the test over?” questioned Mrs. Ward.

“Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”

Mrs. Ward then asked, “Well, what am I supposed to do now?”

“The HMO recommends that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.”
 

Wood Doctor

Edwin
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The dentist was striving to extract a tooth, but every time he got ready to proceed, the patient clamped his jaws. At last, he took his dental assistant aside and told her at the very moment he poised the forceps, to give the patient’s balls a vicious pinch. The pinch was administered, the nervous patient’s mouth flew open, and the tooth was easily removed.

“Didn’t hurt, did it?” asked the dentist.

“Not too much,” replied the patient, “but who would have thought the root went that deep?!”
 

DrewUth

Too weird to live, too rare to die.
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At a married woman's house, getting busy in the bedroom. Things are going great, when suddenly we hear the front door open. "Oh no! My Husband is home early! Quick- go for the back door!"

In hindsight, I probably should have just ran, but who can pass up an invitation like that?
 

Wood Doctor

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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”

The third surgeon says, “No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth surgeon chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.”

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: “You’re all wrong. Left coast politicians are the easiest to operate on. They have no guts, no heart, and no spine, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.”
 

dahmer

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A Pennsylvania State Trooper pulled a car over on I-80 about 2 miles east of the I-79N exit. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Bayfront Convention Center in Erie. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy traveling from Somerset County got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way in hell I can pass that test.”
 

dahmer

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I was buying ammo at the local store and when I walked up to the counter the girl said “ Strip down, facing me.” Goofy new laws. As the cops were leading me to their squad car I realized the girl was talking about my credit card.
 

Wood Doctor

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The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.

“Chief Two Eagles,” one official began, “you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems.”

The chief nodded. The official continued, “Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?”

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied: “When white man found this land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Plenty fuel. Children play together. Women cooked own food. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time.”

The chief smiled, and added quietly, “White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that?”
 
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Wood Doctor

Edwin
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Guys, be careful when you change that clock setting:

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules: “I’ll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want, and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”

His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there’ll be sex here at seven o’clock every night, whether you’re here or not."
 

Wood Doctor

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Roger and Jenny are to be married. They are truly in love. He is a rich old coot of 85 and she a beautiful young thing of 28. But Jenny truly loves Roger and is concerned about him over exerting himself. So she discusses this, explains that she is rather nearsighted, and they agree they should have separate bedrooms let the temptation be too great.

On their wedding night, Jenny removes her glasses, prepares herself for Roger to visit and them to consummate their love. Then, sure enough, gentleman Roger knocks at the door and is admitted. They make love and he dismissed himself. Jenny prepares for sleep.

Later there is another knock at the door and Roger is back ready for a second go round and they again make love. Roger following the plan, dismisses himself yet again, and again Jenny prepares for sleep.

Then, a third knock on the door, amazingly it is Roger again. Ready for a 3rd session. Jenny cannot believe this, but they finish a third time. Jenny doesn't let him leave but says to him. "Roger you are an amazing lover! I have had men 1/3 your age who have never made love to me 3 times in an evening."

Roger replies, "I was here before?"
 
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