Tell me a joke.....

[Philbert]

Philbert

 

[Motorhead]

 

[Derf]

Women usually call me ugly, until I tell them how much I make.








Then they call me ugly and poor.

 

[Wood Doctor]

Three women, a blonde, a brunette and a red head were tried and convicted of murder and sentenced to execution by the firing squad. On the day of the execution, the brunette was taken first. The executioner said, "I will count to three, pause a second, and then give the command to the riflemen." Then he covers her head.

The executioner starts in and barks out , "One, two, three..."
The brunette then yells out at the top of lungs, "Earthquake!"
At that point, all the rifleman scatter and she somehow escapes over the fence.

The red head then takes her turn and the executioner starts in and barks out, "One, two. three..."
The red head then yells out at the top of lungs, "Tornado!"
At that point, all the rifleman again scatter and she escapes over the fence.

Seeing all this, the blonde then takes her turn and the executioner starts in and barks out, "One, two. three..."
The blonde then yells out at the top of lungs, "Fire!"

 

[Motorhead]

 

[Motorhead]

 

[Motorhead]

 

[Motorhead]

 

[Wood Doctor]

Two elves accidentally found Santa in bed one night with a strange lady about three days before Christmas. They politely closed the bedroom door and walked back into the hallway.

Then one elf whispered to the other, "I guess now we really know what all that 'Ho Ho Ho-ing!' is all about."

 

[Wood Doctor]

A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told the girl's father to find out about the young man. The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.

"So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.

"I am a biblical scholar," he replied

"A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"

"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.

The conversation proceeded like this...and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.

Later, the mother asked, "How did your talk go, honey?"

The father answered, "He's a leftist. He has no job, he has no plans, no money saved, and he thinks I'm God."

 

[Derf]

A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told the girl's father to find out about the young man. The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.

"So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.

"I am a biblical scholar," he replied

"A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"

"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.

The conversation proceeded like this...and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.

Later, the mother asked, "How did your talk go, honey?"

The father answered, "He's a leftist. He has no job, he has no plans, no money saved, and he thinks I'm God."

That's funny, but I always hear about the conservative Christian right, and Christians always seem to align with the GOP/Republicans. Even VP Mike Pence says he's "a Christian, a conservative, and a republican." I'm confused why you associate a Christian with a leftist? Because left usually implies liberal. I think the joke works better without the leftist bit. Kind of deflates the punchline.

 

[Wood Doctor]

That's funny, but I always hear about the conservative Christian right, and Christians always seem to align with the GOP/Republicans. Even VP Mike Pence says he's "a Christian, a conservative, and a republican." I'm confused why you associate a Christian with a leftist? Because left usually implies liberal. I think the joke works better without the leftist bit. Kind of deflates the punchline.

Derf, in my own defense, I must admit that this joke was sent to me by an old friend. In the punch line, he used the word, Democrat, rather than leftist. I decided to tone it down a little and use leftist instead so that it would not be criticized as a political post. I suppose I could have said "illegal immigrant", but I judged that might have been an invitation to disaster.

 

[merc_man]

Sent from my SM-G950W using Tapatalk

 

[paragonbuilder]

Sent from my SM-G950W using Tapatalk

ROFL
My wife just flipped off my phone
And we had a good laugh

 

[MarkEagleUSA]

ROFL
My wife just flipped off my phone
And we had a good laugh

Was she driving?

 

[paragonbuilder]

Was she driving?

Lol
No

 

[Wood Doctor]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

Gandhi also ate very little, which made him rather frail. And, because of his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

I believe that collectively, this all made him... a super-calloused fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis.

 

[Wood Doctor]

Yesterday my friend's daughter e-mailed her dad and asked why he didn't do something useful with his time, as if sitting around the pool, and drinking beer isn’t a good thing. Talking about his "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested that he go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas. So, he did, and when he got home, he decided to play a prank on her. He sent her an e-mail saying that he had joined the Senior Parachute Club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 80 years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" My friend told her that he even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

Immediately, she telephoned him and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, am I in trouble," he said. "I signed up for five jumps a week!"

The line went dead.

 

[Motorhead]

 

[Wood Doctor]

How could we ever forget this one: