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Tell me a joke.....

maulhead

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John Wargo

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angelo c

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Jennifer, a manager at Walmart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.


The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"


The first man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning." "That's very good!" replied Jennifer.


"And, now you sir," she asked the second man.


"Hmmm... let me see... A BLINK! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."


“Excellent!" said Jennifer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.


"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."


Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man "It's hard to beat the speed of light," she said.


Turning to Ernest, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.Old Ernest replied, "After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."


"WHAT?" said Jennifer, stunned by the response.


"Oh sure," said Ernest. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already *s-word my pants."


Ernest is the new greeter at the Walmart near you!
 

Wood Doctor

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Suddenly, a cow runs out onto the road, and a limo driving late at night, hits it head on, and the car comes to a stop. The woman in the back seat, in her usual abrasive manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check on that poor cow.”

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead, but it appeared to be very old.

"Well," says the woman, "You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer in that lighted farmhouse over there."

Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally inebriated, a full belly, his hair ruffled, and a big grin on his face.

"My God, what happened to you?" asks the nasty woman.

The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt scotch, the wife gave me a meal fit for a king, and the daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asks the woman.

Well, I just knocked on the door, and when it opened, I said to them, "I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."
 

Wood Doctor

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An Italian, Stu Tattini, just finished reading a new book entitled, You Can Be THE MAN of Your House.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am THE MAN of this house and my word is Law. You'll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you'll serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, we're going upstairs and we'll have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You'll wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you'll massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His Sicilian wife Sophia replied,"The funeral director would be my first guess."
 
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