Tell me a joke.....

[Motorhead]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,Susan went straight to her grandparents house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her
When she asked how her grand father had died,her grandmother replied, he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning
Horrified,Susan told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble
Oh no my dear,replied granny. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was Just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing to strenuous, simply in on the ding, and out on the dong
She paused,wiped away a tear and continued, and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along,he'd still be alive today.

 

[Deets066]

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a *b-word is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a *b-word is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." ...
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a *b-word is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

 

[Wood Doctor]

We get really good fuel economy in the USA, much better than I thought:

A 2014 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon. Not bad in my book.

 

[rogue60]

 

[hseII]

I'd never pay!!

 

[Stihlsmoking]

Anyone remember years back when Ohio wouldn't allow anyone from Kentucky in ? The economy had tanked, no jobs they put patrols at every crossing only letting people in that had a skill Ohio needed. So this ole boy from kentucky pulls up to the patrol they stop him and asked what he did for work " he said I'm a pilot" they looked at their paper work and said ok we can use pilots you can come in and let him go.
About ten minutes later another guy pulls up they stop him and asks what he does for work "he says I cut down trees for a work"
They check their paperwork and say nope we got enough, you gotta turn around and go back.
He says but you let my buddy in he was in front of me ? They ask you mean the pilot ? He says yeah if I can't cut em down he can't pile it.

 

[Wolverine]

 

[Philbert]

"Doctor, Doctor! My brother thinks he's a chicken!"

"How long has he felt like this?"

"About 4 months."

"Four months! Why didn't you come to me sooner?"

"Well, frankly, we needed the eggs . . . ."

Philbert

 

[Wood Doctor]

A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “H” on her chest.

“How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor.

“Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue “Y” on her chest.

“How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor.

“Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “M” on her chest.

“Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor.

“No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”

 

[Jwalker1911]

The Doctor:

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."
The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."
Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
"Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."
Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.
As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes."
Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure."
The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E."
Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.
As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not."
The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."
Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."
The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache

 

[rogue60]

Not a joke as such but it made me laugh crazy lets jump chit! lol

 

[Wolverine]

 

[Philbert]

Not a joke, but these guys 'get it'!

Philbert

 

[USMC615]

Not a joke, but these guys 'get it'!

Philbert

View attachment 72306

Lawn Dart lives again...only in TN though! Lol

 

[S Sidwell]

Those were fun to play with, even better when you through them at each other. [emoji28]

Steve, Samsung On5 using Tapatalk

 

[Wood Doctor]

Why did the lady parrot decide to play around with the drake rather than the gander?

Ans:
Because Polly wanted a quacker rather than a big honker.

 

[Philbert]

(has this one been posted before?)

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"

"Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that *s-word."

 

[countryhog]

Why cant you hear a pterodactyl pee?

Cause the p is silent

Just sayin

 

[Czed]

 

[angelo c]

Men's Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down





now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 'ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moonor the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problemonlyif you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant theother one .

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus didNOTneed directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, notA color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have noidea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, itwillbe scratched..We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as hunting, fishing, golfing, or something with wheels.




1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.RoundIS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.