Tell me a joke.....

00wyk · Nov 18, 2018

I was at the counter the other day with my wife(true story).
I see the lottery is at 90 mil or sumfin and feeling lucky.
I ask the clerk for a ticket, it's €2.50.
Before he can answer, my wife says, 'Those are just a waste of money..."
She then nudges me aside and asks the clerk for two packs of cigarettes instead.
They cost €24.50.
I tell her, "That's a completely different lottery".
She tells me to shut up.

Wood Doctor · Nov 18, 2018

00wyk said:
I was at the counter the other day with my wife(true story).
I see the lottery is at 90 mil or sumfin and feeling lucky.
I ask the clerk for a ticket, it's €2.50.
Before he can answer, my wife says, 'Those are just a waste of money..."
She then nudges me aside and asks the clerk for two packs of cigarettes instead.
They cost €24.50.
I tell her, "That's a completely different lottery".
She tells me to shut up.

I've lost five good friends during the past year who dropped about $3000 a year playing that "completely different" lottery for years and years. They finally stopped playing it, but it was too late.

Motorhead · Nov 18, 2018

Motorhead · Nov 18, 2018

Wood Doctor · Nov 18, 2018

Motorhead said:
View attachment 150996

Motorhead, I may have to try that out. Rather than throw away old socks with holes in the toes, this seems like a far better idea. I think Heloise would love to see this and publish it in her daily newspaper column, "Ask Heloise". In addition, LOML's eyes lit up when I showed her this Pic. Last I saw, she was raiding my sock drawer in search of my "holey socks."

00wyk · Nov 19, 2018

Wood Doctor said:
I've lost five good friends during the past year who dropped about $3000 a year playing that "completely different" lottery for years and years. They finally stopped playing it, but it was too late.

I used to work in oncology. I was a field engineer for Philips Medical. The average time an Oncologists works in the field is 7-10 years before they move on to other work. Watching every patient die slowly is soul crushing. I lost my mother to cancer. So, I entered the field to make a difference. To help people. After about seven years in the industry, I had enough. The money was good, but that was also part of the problem. Start to finish, from the government, to cigarette companies, to the medical industry(there's a reason it's called an industry), it just all felt and seemed so wrong. Is there another product the government allows and taxes that is guaranteed to kill half of it's users? WTF.

Now I'm back in forestry. Forestry is funny if you look at the folks in it. Sure, ya got your people who went to college for it. And I did flirt with it when I was a wild lands firefighter as a kid. But it's amazing how many people in forestry are basically burn outs. Ex engineers. Ex military. Ex corporate. Sorry if I got a bit morose. That sort of a day here.

ajschainsaws · Nov 20, 2018

ajschainsaws · Nov 20, 2018

Wood Doctor · Nov 24, 2018

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder and still, nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What on earth are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Well, don't you think that you need to roll up the windows first?"

Wood Doctor · Nov 25, 2018

A Blonde Encore Story (by special requests)
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos... It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."

"Wow!" said the blonde, "That's amazing... I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that?"' he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blonde replied, "Two popsicles and some hot coffee."'

ajschainsaws · Nov 29, 2018

angelo c · Dec 3, 2018

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

Wood Doctor · Dec 3, 2018

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. Neither can fall asleep. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this." She goes downstairs.

She finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard...let's see how THEY like it!

Wood Doctor · Dec 10, 2018

Then there was a skunk, a deer, and a duck that got together and decide to patronize a fancy restaurant. They really had a great time, but then the waiter showed up with a huge tab for them to pay and placed it gently on the table.

The skunk looked at it and said, "Gosh, guys, all I have on me is a cent."

The deer looked at the ticket and said, "I'm in trouble also, fellas. All I have is a buck."

Then the deer thought a second and said, "I may be wrong but it looks like it's a duck's bill."

The duck shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "You two are both just a couple of quacks."

Marshy · Dec 10, 2018

First year vetrinarian students were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead pig.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the pig covered in a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "As a vetrinarian, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you should not be disgusted by anything involving animal anatomy."

The Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the pig, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students initially freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anus of the pig and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at the class and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger but sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!"

Wood Doctor · Dec 10, 2018

Marshy said:
First year vetrinarian students were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead pig.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the pig covered in a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "As a vetrinarian, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you should not be disgusted by anything involving animal anatomy."

The Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the pig, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students initially freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anus of the pig and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at the class and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger but sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!"

The professor may have also said, "Didn't you numbskulls also notice that I was wearing surgical gloves?"

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