Tell me a joke.....

Wood Doctor · Sep 3, 2018

A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde "biker girl."
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional weight-lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously Mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Nah... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

angelo c · Sep 3, 2018

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!

Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.

Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!”

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn't go?"

Edna: "No, no, no ... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

Wood Doctor · Sep 4, 2018

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down..."

Wood Doctor · Sep 5, 2018

The wedding ceremony came to the point where the Minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk or forever hold their peace.

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She stood up and started walking slowly towards the pastor. The congregation was aghast as the penny dropped. The Groom’s jaw dropped as he stared disbelievingly at the approaching young woman and child.

Chaos ensued. The bride threw the bouquet in the air and burst out crying. Then the groom's mother fainted. The Best men started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

The Minister then asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward ? What do you have to say?”

There was absolute silence in the church. The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."

ajschainsaws · Sep 8, 2018

ajschainsaws · Sep 8, 2018

ajschainsaws · Sep 8, 2018

ajschainsaws · Sep 11, 2018

Motorhead · Sep 11, 2018

Wood Doctor · Sep 11, 2018

ajschainsaws said:
View attachment 140891

How could any man not look at this Pic? Believe it or not, the top one-third of this Pic is all I needed to see. But, the bottom half of the Pic was spellbinding. Where on earth do they find ladies like this?

Deets066 · Sep 11, 2018

Wood Doctor said:
How could any man not look at this Pic? Believe it or not, the top one-third of this Pic is all I needed to see. But, the bottom half of the Pic was spellbinding. Where on earth do they find ladies like this?

Not found.... they are created

Wood Doctor · Sep 11, 2018

Deets066 said:
Not found.... they are created.

Agreed. Nowadays this one appears almost every Wednesday night at 9 pm central, NBC, on a show called Reverie:

Her boss usually says, "Are you in good hands?"

Motorhead · Sep 13, 2018

Philbert · Sep 13, 2018

Philbert

Motorhead · Sep 17, 2018

Motorhead · Sep 17, 2018

Motorhead · Sep 17, 2018

Wood Doctor · Sep 17, 2018

I liked this one but I'm not sure why. Maybe our forum does also:

Maybe a good follow up or corollary to AJSchainsaw's entry in #1328 but I like his birds even better.

Wood Doctor · Sep 20, 2018

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or
dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his voluptuous patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."

Tell me a joke.....

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